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Monster

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nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


0 posted 03-01-2009 08:31 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for nina1522

My aunt lost to depression and comitted suicide. i couldnt understand why she would ever but now im so familar to the feelings she continuosly fought with. I tried to see through her perspective. i thought about what her last moments must have been like. i would like to write more about it but this is all i have so far. ( i just said "i" about 47 times)


As the blade cuts  
soothing sensations
start flowing through my body
killing this hate
killing this pain
killing this numbenss

replaying the memories
opening the wounds
bleeding the cured

A little deeper
the pain pulses
the sensation grows
suficing the monster inside
quieting her cries



have any advice about revision id liked to hear them.
*need help with structure*

[This message has been edited by nina1522 (03-02-2009 08:45 PM).]

© Copyright 2009 nina1522 - All Rights Reserved
Falling rain
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Member Elite
since 01-31-2008
Posts 2165
Small town, Illinois


1 posted 03-01-2009 10:24 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

I really like this. I know the feeling you and your aunt have gone through. Although I don't cut I know the yearning for it. Great write.

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know itís not for me, thatís when Iíll miss you.

turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


2 posted 03-02-2009 02:38 AM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi nina,

I'm impressed sweety, you are doing well and learning fast.

This is a very good write and I am truely amazed at the

improvement.....You go girl

Hmmm....couple spots here to think about:

"pleasant sensations"

Are they "pleasant"? Perhaps needed, desired, yearned for,
Because the reader doesn't see the experience as "pleasant"
it is better understood (In my mind) as a yearning by the narrator
in the poem.

..''..just reading this again this is really great.

Ah!:

"bleeding the healed"

Not sure about this one.....might need to be clearer.

You certainly don't need my help anymore though and I am proud of you.

nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


3 posted 03-02-2009 04:17 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

turtle,

          i was thinking the same thing about that line. But i truly do need your help. im absolutely stuck on the princess poem. and maybe ill change "pleasant" to hm... maybe.. uh...hey ill go to the rhyming website you told me about. one minute
nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


4 posted 03-02-2009 04:22 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

maybe...
   comforting sensations
         or
   satisfying sensations
         or
  consoling senastions

hm whichone do you think?


and change ; "bleeding the healed"
                     to
             "cutting the healed" ? or cured
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


5 posted 03-02-2009 05:13 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

These are good nina,

For me, I like "edged" sensations

this has a double meaning that brings the
blades edge into focus in the readers mind
and captures the hesitation between need to
cut and knowing it's wrong.

The other. Hmmmm....

Maybe, "slashing the healed"??

nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


6 posted 03-02-2009 05:20 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

hm.yeah i like edged. but i want to pretray the sensation as comforting and dersirable. i want to make the reader get the sense that the character that this is an act in which gives her tranquilty and selfpeace. it is what allows her to feel for a change. and she is in control of the pain. i just dont know how to put all that into a single word that describes the sensation she feels. and i dont think it is in character for her to say slashing. when i hear the words slashing i think of a violent fight or act. this is peaceful and soothing to her... OOOO "soothing sensations"!!
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


7 posted 03-02-2009 06:06 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

"soothing"? hmmm...

Excellent nina, perfect!

nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


8 posted 03-02-2009 08:44 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

thank you.. im going to try to continue to write this. but i prob wont have any time soon becuase lax tryouts are tomorrow... fun fun fun.
KandyGrl511
Member
since 11-30-2008
Posts 52
Michigan


9 posted 03-03-2009 06:44 PM       View Profile for KandyGrl511   Email KandyGrl511   Edit/Delete Message     View IP for KandyGrl511

i like this...

<3 i love u<3

nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


10 posted 03-03-2009 08:04 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

thank you very much
Reborn_Phoenix
Junior Member
since 03-04-2009
Posts 11


11 posted 03-04-2009 01:09 AM       View Profile for Reborn_Phoenix   Email Reborn_Phoenix   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Reborn_Phoenix

nina, even though I may be new to this site, from the previous comments I've read, and by looking at some of your other poems, I can tell that you are improving rapidly.

Continue to grow as a writer, and write what you love.
nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


12 posted 03-04-2009 06:36 AM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

thank you reborn_Pheonix. And even though im relatively new also, welcome to PIP
 
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