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Passions in Poetry

Drunken Lullabye's Not So Sweet

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Falling rain
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since 01-31-2008
Posts 2165
Small town, Illinois


0 posted 02-25-2009 11:01 AM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

Okay this poem isn't about syllabic or anything fancy. I just felt like free writing and so I did. Sorry Grinch. And I don't know if this poem is appropriate for this forum and I don't really like this myself... Brought up non-fond memories but I had to vent it out. Enjoy?    

Upon the walls, forgotten images
Of love life well darn torn
Memories drag down the halls
Beaten, Weary and worn  

Where laughter rang down every hall
Your smile lit up the room
Now broken furniture and drunken words
Leave this place an empty tomb

Tears crawl down your face
Blue eyes; bloodshot red
Screams fill in my ears  
My soul slowly going dead

Empty bottles lay round the floor
Your voice is going strain
Drunken cries of sorrow spit
Lies left to be explained

What happen to the smiles love?
Laughter killed by screams
Oh why did I let this happen!?
Relationship being torn at the seams

Poison runs down your throat
As you take another sip
Photo's engulfed by flames
A smile form on your lips

Memories drag down the halls
While rage is eating at me
Escape from this madness
Open my bloodshot eyes to see

That this love wasn't more than lust
So this is how it has to be
Don't worry about it my love
Just pack up my suitcase and take my leave

© Copyright 2009 Zach Booker-Scott - All Rights Reserved
Octave
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since 07-29-2008
Posts 188
Highlands, Scotland.


1 posted 02-25-2009 11:49 AM       View Profile for Octave   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Octave

'Where laughter rang down every hall
Your smile lit up the room
Now broken furniture and drunken words
Leave this place an empty tomb'

I loved this stanza, it gave me a great picture in my mind.
I thought this poem was rather good actually. It seemed to drag on a little, and it started off stronger than it ended. maybe cut out a stanza or something? Rymthm was minorly off in a few places, but you said you were'nt too worried about that.
Nice poem, great imagery.
Belinda
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since 01-30-2006
Posts 126
UK


2 posted 02-25-2009 12:11 PM       View Profile for Belinda   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Belinda

'Poison runs down your throat
As you take another sip
Photo's engulfed by flames
A smile form on your lips '

I love that stanza. It's quite, blunt, I think but I think that's what makes it so powerful.

Despite what you think, I liked it.

Belinda~*

Expect nothing, Prepare for anything.

SEA
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with you


3 posted 02-25-2009 12:55 PM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

I think it's just fine to stay in here, you are not glorifying drinking or being like hey this is great, so that makes it different.

this is very sad.

check your spelling and the use of 'then' vs. 'than'

just a irritation for me lol
GothicCherry
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since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
TN


4 posted 02-25-2009 01:40 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

I will not cry. I will not cry.
Grinch
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since 12-31-2005
Posts 2710
Whoville


5 posted 02-25-2009 02:37 PM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch


No need to apologise to me Zach, youíre free to do whatever takes your fancy. If you want any advice in future though - well thatís ok too - feel free to ask, Iíll help if I can.

That isnít just restricted to syllabic formats either, I know a little about a lot.

Falling rain
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6 posted 02-25-2009 02:59 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

Haha. Okay SEA I'll make sure to double check and use "than" instead of "then". And thanks for the hug. Gothic Cherry.. I know. I was sorta thinking about both our situations while writing this. Sorry to bring up old pains.
Okay Grinch. Glad your there to help.
Thanks to everyone for reading.

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know itís not for me, thatís when Iíll miss you.

GothicCherry
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since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
TN


7 posted 02-25-2009 03:15 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

On what SEA said you also mixed up 'seems' and seams' Lol..

&& Don't be sorry.
Falling rain
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Small town, Illinois


8 posted 02-25-2009 05:43 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

Yeah while writing that I forgot how to spell "seam" so I used the next best. haha

When I see your smile, and I know itís not for me, thatís when Iíll miss you.

 
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