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Blank Verse

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GothicCherry
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0 posted 02-24-2009 10:46 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for GothicCherry

I'm not sure the iambic pentameter is exactly right. I gave it my best shot. It doesn't make a lot of sense and it's written in a guy's point of view. I needed to try something a bit "different." Let me know how I did. Please and Thank You!

As thoughts and riddles mesh within, ideas
suggest allure beyond my own beliefs.
Inside the tattered wounds that suffocate
the strands of  beauty, grace, allure, divine,
I hid the pain and stress, that  lead to this.

You said you realized things I have been through,
The scars of life residing here, my soul.
Mistakes of senseless fools, so you now say,
But which mistake Iíve made do you pertain
to? Bedding her through lust, or you through love?
The stones they fell across your face, removed
the vines you said had blinded sight like night.
  
Oh, nightly deeds! The thrilling, luscious sins,
the moments spent in pleads so loud and wrong.
My lips deceived myself, my hands were their
accomplice during nights of lust, deceit.
Yet, sweet enticing lust, was heavenís suite.
The face of sin was plastered on her head.
How was resisting optional to faith?  

So here, now, I lay blame upon the fool.
By fool, of course, I mean you, ďmy love,Ē yes.
You said yourself youíre foolish not to see
the pain I made for thee. You, I now blame.

Your breath is stuttered, spacey. Hearing pain
and hurt in such a beautyís voice, I weep.
I wish it never happened. I was wrong.
It seems a fox I have become. To pass
my fault to you was wrong as well, oh, Dear!
I see you cry so softly. You surprise
me greatly, tears so feeble crash around.
Do you now cry for love or cry for hate?
I ponder, which you must be feeling. Shoot!
It must be hate! No love is felt for snakes.
The reptileís heart is foul, just like my own.
I curse it: wicked lust! It made me break
our vows, and love. If not for lust, evil
and wicked lust, we might be lying side
by side. Yet, tears are crawling slyly down
your pale angelic face. My fault. All mine.

You halt the tears, and swear you forgive me.  
I look at eyes of beauty I adore.
Then, swallow words of love. My pause above
the threshold brings a threat from lips so fair.
I gaze upon those lips. That gaze is pain.
I knew those lips. I know I wonít again.
You torture me with words of guilt you feel.
Now, guilt I share with empty words in vain.
My death, desired above diverse desires.
Without your love, I am a wreck in love,
a foolish wreck in hopeless love, always.

© Copyright 2009 Michaela J. McHone - All Rights Reserved
turtle
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1 posted 02-24-2009 11:08 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi Cherry,

This is very good  

In a couple posts to chop's thread (over in CA) I showed him a some ideas on how to repair errors in clarity and errors in meter.

Check it out, if you like:

http://piptalk.com/pip/Forum28/HTML/002431.html


  
freeand2sexy
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2 posted 02-24-2009 11:35 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Yay, michaela you finished it, good for you.
I'll leave it up to moonbeam to tell you how you did on the meter.

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

moonbeam
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3 posted 02-25-2009 05:14 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam


Wow Michaela whatever happened to the Michaela that wrote that Bella and Edward poem back in 2008!  This is 100% better than your early writing here at PiP.  

I don't know whether you've been reading Shakespeare's sonnets, but in places this has flavours of his writing, with some quite complex thought sequences.  Also you've woven in many multi-syllable words, and still managed to maintain the meter well.

As an exercise in IP you succeeded extremely well too.  

As you and Christine are probably realising by now poets don't go around counting syllables and checking every word for its stress.  What happens is that they develop an ear for what sounds right, and they use the patterning and sound qualities of the words to enhance and compliment the message of the poem - to create tone.  As Jim has pointed out in CA, this leads to what people call "acceptable variations" to meter - i.e. places where the meter is broken, but for good reason.  The other thing you probably picked up is that after 50 lines the regular da DUM pattern can get very monotonous and artificial sounding, so it's not surprising that many of the best poems in IP very rarely keep to the pattern religiously.  

The important thing is that you are now getting a feel for IP so that you can begin to do it instinctively.

For what it's worth I think you perhaps pushed the boundary of strict IP a little in this line:

"By fool, of course, I mean you, "my love," yes"

where "my" should be stressed and is probably unstressed, and where "love" should be unstressed and is stressed.  

Just a minor nit.  You used "thee" after using "you" through the rest of the poem.  I'm personally not a great fan of archaic words, but if you are going to use them then you shouldn't really mix them with the modern usage.

If I was being very picky I'd say "forgive" in the following line is stressed "for GIVE", which breaks the IP a little.

"You halt the tears, and swear you forgive me."

Finally, you probably had a few too many end-rhymes in these lines:

"I gaze upon those lips. That gaze is pain.
I knew those lips. I know I won't again.
You torture me with words of guilt you feel.
Now, guilt I share with empty words in vain."

But these are all small points, because in general you did a brilliant job.   Now what's next?

M
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4 posted 02-25-2009 10:22 AM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

OMFG!!!! This is spectacular!! I simply love this! I love your words in it and yes Moonbeam, She does sound a lot like Shakespeare. Wow this just is amazing... This favorite from you so far. Congrats!

-Zach  

When I see your smile, and I know itís not for me, thatís when Iíll miss you.

abhursty
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since 02-25-2009
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5 posted 02-25-2009 10:32 AM       View Profile for abhursty   Email abhursty   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for abhursty

It sounded great. I thought it has a mix of old style poetry and new style.
GothicCherry
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6 posted 02-25-2009 01:25 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

Moonbeam-

First, Iím a completely different person now so sheís gone. (Honestly, I wasnít even fully sober most of 2008.) I did mean what I said about writing better poetry though.

ďI don't know whether you've been reading Shakespeare's sonnets, but in places this has flavours of his writing, with some quite complex thought sequences.Ē

Is that good or bad?

I knew Iíd messed up with keeping the IP consistent. In certain places I had trouble thinking of anything to put and just ended up praying certain lines would work, which they obviously don't.

I guess Iíve never thought about ítheeí being archaic before. Iíve heard it used in casual speaking some so it didnít cross my mind not to mix it with modern speech. I looked back and I have done likewise in other poems. Thanks for pointing it out so I can fix it.

Oops! I didnít think to check for rhyme before posting it. I probably should have.

So I passed ? Yes! What do you think I should start on next based on this?
moonbeam
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7 posted 02-25-2009 05:34 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

I'm kinda relieved she's gone Michaela, at my age you forget how long 9 months is when you're a teen and how much things can change in a relatively short time.   Anyway you sure did well with that exercise.  

I meant the thought sequences comment as a compliment .  The poem, as well as being near perfect IP was quite interesting in parts in terms of its syntax (check out what syntax is if you don't know already!).

Honestly don't worry about the few lines I highlighted - they were minor issues and like I said perfectly acceptable in a regular poem.

I'm not sure what age you are living in, lol, but if you've heard people using "thee" in real life - actually scrub that, I've just remembered, some dialects do indeed still use it even here in the UK.  Yorkshire I think, and Lancashire too perhaps - if Grinch is reading this he'll tell us.  But generally in poetry which isn't specifically emulating a dialect I think it's archaic.

What next you ask?

How about more metrical practice, but this time using a specific and rigid form (a form is a prescribed pattern for a poem i.e. you have to write it to a particular meter and rhyme).  I have in mind a form that might be both fun and instructive, but before I tell you what it is we need to ensure that you can write in a dactylic stress pattern i.e.   DUM   da   da

Sooo, first of all study this poem closely for its meter:

Myfanwy by John Betjeman

Kind o'er the kinderbank leans my Myfanwy,
White o'er the playpen the sheen of her dress,
Fresh from the bathroom and soft in the nursery
Soap scented fingers I long to caress.

Were you a prefect and head of your dormit'ry?
Were you a hockey girl, tennis or gym?
Who was your favourite? Who had a crush on you?
Which were the baths where they taught you to swim?

Smooth down the Avenue glitters the bicycle,
Black-stockinged legs under navy blue serge,
Home and Colonial, Star, International,
Balancing bicycle leant on the verge.

Trace me your wheel-tracks, you fortunate bicycle,
Out of the shopping and into the dark,
Back down the avenue, back to the pottingshed,
Back to the house on the fringe of the park.

Golden the light on the locks of Myfanwy,
Golden the light on the book on her knee,
Finger marked pages of Rackham's Hans Anderson,
Time for the children to come down to tea.

Oh! Fullers angel-cake, Robertson's marmalade,
Liberty lampshade, come shine on us all,
My! what a spread for the friends of Myfanwy,
Some in the alcove and some in the hall.

Then what sardines in half-lighted passages!
Locking of fingers in long hide-and-seek.
You will protect me, my silken Myfanwy,
Ring leader, tom-boy, and chum to the weak.


........

Can you hear the DUM da da's ?

Now see if you can write 4 or five lines following this pattern:

DUM da da    DUM da da   DUM da da   DUM da da  

for each line.

Later

M
Grinch
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Posts 2710
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8 posted 02-25-2009 06:40 PM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch

Whatís thee on a bout lad, we use "thee" al'time up north, lancky twang wunt beít same bout it.

Ya wazack.

  
http://piptalk.com/pip/Forum100/HTML/001213.html

[This message has been edited by Grinch (02-25-2009 07:38 PM).]

GothicCherry
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since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
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9 posted 02-25-2009 06:55 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

Do the lines need to rhyme?
GothicCherry
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10 posted 02-25-2009 08:13 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

I'm not sure if you wanted this done with rhyme or in a certain way or not. I tried out the DUM da das. I think this is how they are supposed to be done.

Looking in mirrors of promised desires with sweet,
longing expressions of gentle delight. The love
she was so close to, has passed. Now alone, she is
broken with memories. Life was amazing to
her. It is time. The one she loved awaits her now.

I can always redo this if you wanted it done in some other fashion.
moonbeam
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11 posted 02-26-2009 03:55 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

That's fine Michaela (sorry not to answer your query about rhyme; I went to bed).

What you wrote was all I needed to see.  Maybe a bit lumpy in parts, mainly because you were quite ambitious with your enjambment (the run-on lines).  However you have clearly understood meter and can "hear" what you need to be able to hear to try what is quite a difficult project: writing a Double Dactyl.

A Double Dactyl is a specific form of poem, and we are going to write it in the traditional way, by which I mean we are going to try to adhere to the exact rules laid down by its inventors.  Start off by reading the Wikipedia link below very carefully:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_dactyl

Make sure you understand all the elements that must be present in the poem.  Two that people often ignore or forget are the fact that it is usually humorous, and more importantly, that the second line of the first stanza is always the subject of the poem and should be a proper noun i.e. a specific name of a person or place or thing, like President Obama or Texas.  You are allowed to cheat a bit and make up words if they fit in as you will see in the examples in Wiki.  

The only other thing I would say at this stage is that although the first line of stanza 1 should be semi nonsensical, it is cleverer I think if it relates in some vague way to the rest of the poem if this can be achieved.

If you have any questions get right back at me, though I am out most of today and may not be able to reply till this evening (my time 5 hrs ahead of Eastern).  

Otherwise, get thinking!  And good luck!

M

Grinch ty cocker.
GothicCherry
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12 posted 02-26-2009 05:24 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

Golly this is going to be difficult.

I've noticed that many of this form simply begin with "higgledy piggledy." Would you rather me use something else more original or stick with that?
moonbeam
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13 posted 02-26-2009 05:49 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

I think you should use something you make up. And like I say, if possible make it have something to do with the rest of the poem like in mine below.  

Just before I go to bed, here's one I wrote earlier about Ron Carnell our well known patron of  PiP!


Lyrical miracle
Ronald Carnellian,
Passionate poster of
verse true and wise.

Soon to be, doomed to be
Octogenarian,
Will the blue pages out
live his demise!?
..........

Now it's your turn Michaela - go for it!  

(I put in the exclamation point just because I know he hates them.  Heh.)
GothicCherry
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14 posted 02-26-2009 08:30 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

Wow, this is NOT GOOD!

I'm not great with the whole humor thing. I also think I messed up the DUM da da while trying to keep the form. Sorry...


Tragical magical
Juliet Capulet,
shot with love fated to
fail, now assumed.

Family leads to her
semi-subliminal,
death with her Romeo;  
teen love is doomed.
moonbeam
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15 posted 02-27-2009 02:55 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

You are far too modest Michaela.

That's one of the best first attempts at this form I've ever seen.   Nice theme, nice closure, meter pretty much spot on.  What more is there to say than very well done.

You want to try something else?
freeand2sexy
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since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
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16 posted 02-27-2009 04:08 AM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Sonnet! *cough* *cough* sry something in my throat, what I was trying to say was Good job Michaela on the double dac... uh that one thing

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

GothicCherry
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17 posted 02-27-2009 08:44 AM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

Thanks! I was worried half out of my cotton-pickin' mind.

I'd love to start on something else.
moonbeam
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18 posted 02-27-2009 05:47 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Well we can either try another metrical exercise, or maybe something different - connections and metaphor maybe? (Doesn't stop you from writing in meter of course if you want, rather than FV).

Let me know.
GothicCherry
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19 posted 03-01-2009 08:07 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

It doesn't matter to me. As long as you think it will help me improve I'm up for absolutely anything.
moonbeam
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20 posted 03-02-2009 03:37 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam



quote:
I'm up for absolutely anything.

You sooo shouldn't have said that!   Heh.  Back later with a suggestion.
turtle
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Posts 491
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21 posted 03-02-2009 04:08 AM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

moonbeam you are a precious dear. This is great.

moonbeam
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22 posted 03-02-2009 04:43 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

For what it's worth Turtle, I think you are a breath of fresh air in CA (and elsewhere).  I may not agree with everything you say, or how you say it, but your work with nina was nice to read and it was great that people left you alone to get on with it without confusing the thread with conflicting opinions; which is always annoying when you are trying to show somebody something.

I think I'd say that you've lifted CA from a doldrums of unconstructive jollity where its languished for a while now, to very constructive jollity - and that's good .
GothicCherry
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23 posted 03-02-2009 08:59 AM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

Oh geez...Lol
moonbeam
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24 posted 03-02-2009 09:27 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Ok Michaela, how about we look at two of the most important aspects of poetry.  The elements that imo lift many beginners away from "beginner" poetry into something more advanced.  These are:

Metaphor and imagery.

Before we start it would help to know that you know what I mean.  Hopefully you know what a metaphor is, but do you know what I mean by "extended" or "maintained" metaphor?

And imagery - are you clear about what that means in poetic terms?

Why are these two tools so important, you ask.  Well, maybe you don't ask, but I'm going to tell you anyway.  The answer lies in looking at a lot of the poetry posted here at PiP.  What do you see?

You see what are sometimes called in a rather rude way - "diary entry poems".  These are poems where the poet simply lists his or her personal concerns.  It's like: a person has an experience (usually a bad one) and then simply vents about it in the form of what is meant to be a poem: "I did this, he cheated me, she broke my heart, I did that, I am hurt forever, my world has ended, I don't like fries anymore, I am sulking, God will save me, my soul is shattered into shards, I have rain in my eyes, my life is ruined and it's all his fault, the stars are falling for me, I'm in love with knives, I have a dental appointment at 3 pm, etc".  All of those examples are about as interesting as the last one about the dental appointment to the average reader of poetry.  

Sure if the writer is your friend or a relative, hearing about how her heart has been cracked by betrayal might elicit a good deal of sympathy and that is of course very fine and proper and nice, but it DOESN'T MAKE IT POETRY.  What it makes it is an emotional outpouring which could just as easily have been called a letter or note as a poem.  

Diary entry poems tend to centre around "I" and "me" and do characteristically employ metaphor and simile, but the metaphors and similes used are almost always those that have been used a zillion times before - souls shattering - hearts breaking - sandy beaches - sad moons - bright stars - bitter tears.  Such trope is worse than useless - better not to use metaphor at all than waste words on these empty phrases.

Perhaps all the above sounds a little harsh to you, and I don't mean to say that it's terrible for beginner poets to write like this.  It's not.  Everyone has to start somewhere, and not worrying too much about WHAT you are saying allows you to concentrate on HOW you are saying it - to listen for sounds and develop tone.

However, there comes a point where if you want to be taken seriously as a poet, rather than as a person who can write emotional love and hate letters, then you have to start trying to write in a way that will interest a wider audience than simply your friends and relatives who know you personally.

That DOESN'T mean to say that you have to start writing about the meaning of life or important sounding themes like the correlation between the mind of God and the mind of man.  It certainly doesn't mean that you have to stop writing about issues that concern you personally.  

But let's face it - we are all human , and what concerns you personally probably concerns others - that's good news because it means you can have the best of both worlds.  You can write about your close personal concerns AND appeal to others.  The key is to do it in a way that engenders that wider appeal rather than by just listing.

So for example:

I break up with my girlfriend or boyfriend.  Yet she or he won't leave me alone.  She or he stalks me, needs me, won't leave me alone.

I could handle this scenario in this way:

Oh God, why do you do this to me
following me everywhere.
Don't you see we are through,
finished.  Why do you treat me
like your kid, wanting to boss
me, control me, cling to my heart
strings and twist them.

Alternatively I could one day see as I was walking in the country a farmer carrying a baby lamb and the mother sheep following so close because she so desperately wants her lamb back.  Following close even though it means being near the farmer and even though she walks near frightening traffic.  From that image I could build a story which says a lot about a lot of things - including the relationship with the g/f or b/f, and also about other relationships.  And the exciting thing is, that as you write poems using this sort of technique other connections may come to you which expand on or enhance the original theme, or take it off in an entirely different direction.

So before we start, try reading the two poems below and see what comes to mind as you reading.

On the face of it the poets are describing the act of undressing, and a story about a terrible flood.  But is there more than that there?


undressing

Beatrice Garland

Like slipping stitches
or unmaking a bed
or rain from tiles,
they come tumbling off:
green dress, pale stockings,
loose silk - like mown grass
or blown roses,
subsiding in little heaps
and holding for a while
a faint perfume - soap,
warm skin - linking
these soft replicas of self.

And why stop there?
Why not like an animal,
a seed, a fruit, go on
to shed old layers of moult,
snakeskin, seed-husk, pelt
or hard green-walnut coat,
till all the roughnesses
of knocking age
are lost and something
soft, unshelled, unstained
emerges blinking
into open ground?

And perhaps in time
this slow undoing will arrive
at some imagined core,
some dense and green-white bud,
weightless, untouchable.
Yes. It will come,
that last let-fall of garment,
nerve, bright hair and bone -
the rest is earth,
casements of air,
close coverings of rain,
the casual sun.

..............


The Year the Rice-Crop Failed

Melanie Drane

The year we married, rainy season lasted
so long the rice crop failed. People gave up
trying to stay dry; abandoned umbrellas
littered the streets like dead birds. One evening
that summer, a typhoon broke the waters
of the Imperial moat and sent orange carp flopping
through the streets around the train station,
under the feet of people trying to go home.
The stairs to the temple became impassable;
fish slid down them in a waterfall, heavy
and golden as yolks. That night, I woke you
when the walls of our home began to shake;
we held our breath while the earth tossed,
counted its pulse as though we could protect
what we'd thought would cradle us -
then the room went still and you moved away,
back into sleep like a slow swimmer,
your eyes and lips swollen tight with salt.
The next morning, a mackerel sky hung over Tokyo.
The newspaper confirmed the earthquake
started inside the sea. I watched you dress to leave,
herringbone suit, shirt white as winter, galoshes
that turned your shoes into small, slippery otters.
After you were gone, I heard hoarse and angry screams;
a flock of crows landed on the neighbor's roof,
dark messengers of Heaven. Did they come to reassure,
to tell me we'd be safe, that we would find
our places no matter how absurd it seemed,
like the fish sailing through the streets,
uncertain, but moving swiftly?
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