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Passions in Poetry

I Never Loved You

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Falling rain
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0 posted 02-22-2009 12:10 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

the pattern suppose to be 6,6,6,6

Hopelessly I watched you
As you packed up your bags
Took all of my gifts back
Cleaned up all the rags

Get out while you can love
I'm changing all the locks
Love you? I'm sure I did
Within your breast a rock

Don't think I'll stop you
As you barge out the door
I'm getting tired of it
Here I cry on the floor

But tell me when you go
Would you turn back to say
I never did love you dear
Like I did yesterday
© Copyright 2009 Zach Booker-Scott - All Rights Reserved
GothicCherry
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since 09-16-2008
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1 posted 02-22-2009 02:36 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

I like this poem, but if you are wondering about the syllabic pattern then three lines that I counted don't fit the 6,6,6,6 pattern.

I think mainly you've gotten this down. Meter isn't so hard to go by once you learn it. How about giving it a shot?
freeand2sexy
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2 posted 02-22-2009 04:50 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Hey Zach you did mess up on the pattern, but I think you should give meter a shot, too. Just keep going and don't give up.

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

Grinch
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3 posted 02-22-2009 05:35 PM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch


Not a bad effort. If youíre counting syllables though it becomes a lot easier the more you use,  in addition using odd numbers avoids any need to worry about feet and meter.

Try nine or seven. With seven even I can write something half approaching a poem.

All hope slipped as I watched you
packing dreams into a case
the treasure of your presence
one more thing I canít replace

moonbeam
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4 posted 02-22-2009 06:08 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Lol Go away Grinch!  The whole idea is to persuade Zach to try and learn about meter.

But on the other hand Zach, if you just want to concentrate on syllabics, Grinch is da man.  Go for it.
Falling rain
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5 posted 02-23-2009 07:49 AM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

Syllabics sounds more easier then foot and meter to be all honest. Meter it really difficult for me to learn but I understand syllables way better.. Grinch you mind helping me on some of it? Pretty Please?

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know itís not for me, thatís when Iíll miss you.

Grinch
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6 posted 02-23-2009 01:42 PM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch


Hello Zach,

I think Rob is overstating my ability but Iím more than willing to share the little that I do know.

The first thing I can tell you is that syllabic poems arenít any easier to write than those based on meter - theyíre just difficult in different ways. It is however generally a lot easier to get over the difficulties of syllabic poetry, all you need to know is what those difficulties are.

Iíve already mentioned that line length is important, well Iím going to expand on that, line length is crucial when it comes to writing a good syllabic poem. Getting what you want to say to fit the chosen line length is one of those difficulties I mentioned earlier. You can minimise this a little by extending the number of syllables in each line, as Iíve also already mentioned, but thereís another neat trick you need to know thatíll make it even easier - donít choose your line length.

I know it sounds stupid but try re-writing this stanza:

Hopelessly I watched you
As you packed up your bags
Took all of my gifts back
Cleaned up all the rags

Only this time donít count the syllables - if you have 7 in the fist line and 10 in the second thatís fine, I donít mind if all the lines are completely different -  In fact the more different they are the happier Iíll be, but try to keep them no longer than 12 or 13 syllables.  Oh! It doesnít have to rhyme either but if you want it to thatís fine too.

Post it here when youíve finished and Iíll explain that neat trick I mentioned.

Falling rain
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7 posted 02-23-2009 04:35 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

Uhm Here I go then...

"I watched you
My face twisted in despair
Your clothes layed across the bed
A suit case propped open wide"

I counted 3,7,7,7.. lol. I didn't do that on purpose. I'm sorta curious on what your trick thing is. lol

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know itís not for me, thatís when Iíll miss you.

GothicCherry
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8 posted 02-23-2009 04:53 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

What exactly are syllabics?
Grinch
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9 posted 02-23-2009 05:38 PM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch


It works better with differing line lengths but even one line of differing length will work.

Read this:

I watched you
My face twisted in despair
Your clothes laid across the bed
A suit case propped open wide

I watched you
My face twisted in despair
Your clothes laid across the bed
A suit case propped open wide

I watched you
My face twisted in despair
Your clothes laid across the bed
A suit case propped open wide

I watched you
My face twisted in despair
Your clothes laid across the bed
A suit case propped open wide

Did you get into the rhythm? It you didnít it doesnít matter - trust me itís there - and you can use that to replace the rhythm, pattern and musicality that fixed meter using the standard metrical foot normally injects into a poem.

The trick?

Write one stanza completly ignoring the syllable count or meter and concentrating only on getting it to convey what you want it to convey. Once you have it as close to perfect as you can get it write the other stanzas to match exactly the syllable count of the first and the rhythm of the repetitive line lengths will carry the poem.

Now it starts to get difficult, remember I said it would? First you have two choices, you can either write the second stanza to match the syllable count of the first or you can spend some time tweaking the first stanza.

Which way do you want to go Zach?

Grinch
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Whoville


10 posted 02-23-2009 05:50 PM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch


quote:
What exactly are syllabics?


Syllabic poetry concentrates on the number of syllables in each line. You can use the same number for each line or, as Iíve just explained to Zach, different numbers for each line while repeating the same line count pattern in subsequent stanzas.

The main element is that they donít rely on patterns of metrical feet - so syllabic poetry allows you to write structured verse without worrying too much about meter.

Hope that helped.

Falling rain
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11 posted 02-23-2009 06:06 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

Hmm okay. That doesn't sound to hard for me to do. But I'll have to do some thinking on it.
Give me a day to write out a few different stanza's and I'll pick out the ones I like and then judge and see if I want to do some tweaking or move on to the second stanza. Thanks Grinch.

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know itís not for me, thatís when Iíll miss you.

Suncleaver
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12 posted 02-24-2009 01:03 PM       View Profile for Suncleaver   Email Suncleaver   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Suncleaver

A great poem Zach. But like I said earlier, use meter when it works for you but don't get obsessed by it.

Never sigh for a better world, it's already composed, played and told.

 
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