How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Main Forums
 Teen Poetry #9
 In Your Head
 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13
Follow us on Facebook

 Moderated by: Acies, Dopey Dope, SEA   (Admins )

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

In Your Head

 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
GothicCherry
Member
since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
TN


0 posted 02-21-2009 11:25 AM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for GothicCherry



I see your thoughts, of me you think
Your life revolves around a dream
I reeled you in with just one wink
I now reside inside your head

I might escape this lonely place
You would enjoy that kind pardon
Too bad I would desire your face
You now exist with me always

© Copyright 2009 Michaela J. McHone - All Rights Reserved
Falling rain
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 01-31-2008
Posts 2165
Small town, Illinois


1 posted 02-21-2009 11:53 AM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

This is good but I am not sure what your pattern is..? I counted 9,8,7,7.. I think.. Its still early morning and I'm tired. Haahaha.

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know itís not for me, thatís when Iíll miss you.

GothicCherry
Member
since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
TN


2 posted 02-21-2009 12:01 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

Ummm, well it's SUPPOSED to be 8,8,8,8. I think I count "desire" differently then others though.
Falling rain
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 01-31-2008
Posts 2165
Small town, Illinois


3 posted 02-21-2009 12:21 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

Hmmmm... I'll have to recount it later. I'm going shopping. Be back later.

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know itís not for me, thatís when Iíll miss you.

GothicCherry
Member
since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
TN


4 posted 02-21-2009 12:22 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

Ooooh, I wanna shop!! Lol...

Alrighty, Geez I still can't get even the pattern right.
freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


5 posted 02-21-2009 03:15 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

hey no worries michaela, This is really good, it does have a pattern of 8,8,8,8. you got the pattern right.

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

GothicCherry
Member
since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
TN


6 posted 02-21-2009 06:57 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

Yay!! Now I just need to work on meter.
moonbeam
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 12-24-2005
Posts 2038


7 posted 02-22-2009 04:17 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

On second thoughts maybe you can ignore my comment to you in Christine's thread, because I just read this:

I see your thoughts, of me you think
Your life revolves around a dream
I reeled you in with just one wink
I now reside inside your head

I might escape this lonely place
You would enjoy that kind pardon
Too bad I would desire your face
You now exist with me always

Which is more or less perfectly iambic, (though not pentameter of course, but that doesn't matter).

Obviously you can do it!  So maybe 50 lines is on.  

Remember - blank verse: iambic pentameter: da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM and no end rhyme.

Suncleaver
Member
since 01-18-2009
Posts 480
Stafford England


8 posted 02-22-2009 05:25 AM       View Profile for Suncleaver   Email Suncleaver   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Suncleaver

I'm noticing a lot of pattern obsession developing in this forum. Sure, use patterns when they add to the poem but discard them if they choke it.

This is an excellent poem however.

Never sigh for a better world, it's already composed, played and told.

moonbeam
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 12-24-2005
Posts 2038


9 posted 02-22-2009 06:27 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Suncleaver

I am not entirely sure what you mean by "pattern", but in any event I think the word "obsession" is a little strong.  Some of the people here are simply trying to learn about one of the most fundamental aspects of ALL poetry: stress and rhythm - and to my mind that is really great because without such understanding you are severely handicapped in your poetic advancement.

I guess it all depends what you meant by "pattern".

If you are referring to the simple counting of syllables then I would be inclined to agree with you.  I have never been a great fan of syllabics - imo they don't have a great deal to do with the rhythm of English.

On the other hand if you are referring to stress patterning, i.e. the way in which different emphasis and length is assigned to different syllables, then I completely disagree.  In my view, whatever poetry you want to write, whether it be form poetry, rap, spoken, free verse or any combination, you definitely need to have a good grasp of poetic meter and the way that sounds interract.  

If in order to appreciate stress and meter you have to obsess a bit while you are learning, then I think that is fine.  
Grinch
Member Elite
since 12-31-2005
Posts 2710
Whoville


10 posted 02-22-2009 11:48 AM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch

quote:
I have never been a great fan of syllabics


In my craft and sullen art
Syllabics play quite a part.
Another hack also used
This form that is much abused

Did you mean that high cue stuff?
If so - well thatís fair enough.

  
GothicCherry
Member
since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
TN


11 posted 02-22-2009 02:28 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

Thanks Moonbeam!

I've been working on my blank verse, but I'm haveing difficulty recognizing stresses in small words such as 'it', 'you', 'me', 'in', etc...

That's probably where I will mess this up.
moonbeam
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 12-24-2005
Posts 2038


12 posted 02-22-2009 03:24 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

LOL Grinch

Ok ok why did I just know when I typed my reply above that you'd show up with DT in tow.  Anyway it's true, I don't see the point of syllabics just for the sake of them - but obviously a great poem is a great poem, and if it happens to be syllabic well fine   .

Now go away and stop trying to trip me up. Heh.     And you are right, Hi Kew isn't my favourite garden.

(Cool poem in CA btw   .)


  
moonbeam
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 12-24-2005
Posts 2038


13 posted 02-22-2009 03:27 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Michaela

You should probably assume most little words are unstressed.  But then on the other hand check out what I said to Christine in her thread.  The reply where I mention Robert Pinsky.

Cheers.

M
 
 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Main Forums >> Teen Poetry #9 >> In Your Head Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors