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Passions in Poetry

The Last Chapter

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JennJenn
Junior Member
since 02-18-2009
Posts 20
Canada


0 posted 02-18-2009 09:06 PM       View Profile for JennJenn   Email JennJenn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for JennJenn


This was written last week, It's being published but I'm comming to the last "stage" of editing. If anyone would like to crit or comment, you're more than welcome, and I could use it Thanks so much!!

The Last Chapter

The story's been told
The fight's been fought
I've got to accept
The things that I've got

In the past two years
I've come so far
Driven down life's road
In a broken-down car

But the car, Iíve fixed
The road, Iíve paved
The experiences I had
Will always be saved

The scars have faded
The band-aids are clear
My arms hold a sign reading:
ďNothing was hereĒ

Back in the day
I was tired of trying
I wasnít okay
And I wasnít crying


Two years later
Babaís moved on
Itís a horrible fact
But itíll make us all strong

So weíll take our lives
One step every day
Iíll live like a fighter
So the memories will stay

Present day Friday
Iím sat at a desk
Typing my heart out
To remember whatís best.

And so, today,
To tribute her fight
My poem will affirm
My future, my life
© Copyright 2009 Jenn - All Rights Reserved
freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


1 posted 02-18-2009 09:16 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

um, I got lost in your poem and i don't think that's good. it flowed well, tho. And again add some imagery

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

JennJenn
Junior Member
since 02-18-2009
Posts 20
Canada


2 posted 02-18-2009 09:22 PM       View Profile for JennJenn   Email JennJenn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for JennJenn

It makes sense to me how you got lost. Now that I look over it, the only way for you to know what everything means and how it ties together is if you were connected with me for the past 2 years:P haha. Thanks. I think I need to start making my poetry more general.

Could you help me out with the imagery a bit?
freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


3 posted 02-18-2009 09:28 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

yeah, you need to think of the reader, as well, and how they are going to understand it.

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


4 posted 02-18-2009 09:29 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

oh and i'll be happy to help you, but keep in mind that i am also still learning
Falling rain
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Member Elite
since 01-31-2008
Posts 2165
Small town, Illinois


5 posted 02-18-2009 10:11 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

Yeah Christine's right. I do got lost in your words. Remember a poem is a story and although its expressing your feelings and experiences in it, you got to connect with the reader. So then the reader can, oh whats the word, empathizes and well connect. Its a good poem just you need to work on it.

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know itís not for me, thatís when Iíll miss you.

Falling rain
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Member Elite
since 01-31-2008
Posts 2165
Small town, Illinois


6 posted 02-18-2009 10:13 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

And if you need help in imagery don't hesitate to ask. I've been told I'm good at it and I don't mind sharing thoughts.

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know itís not for me, thatís when Iíll miss you.

Earl Robertson
Senior Member
since 01-21-2008
Posts 753
BC, Canada


7 posted 02-18-2009 10:52 PM       View Profile for Earl Robertson   Email Earl Robertson   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Earl Robertson

Welcome to PIP JennJenn!!



I didn't get lost, though I didn't know exactly what it's about, I mean that's what a poems for!!

Good write!

My melancholy is purely my own

JennJenn
Junior Member
since 02-18-2009
Posts 20
Canada


8 posted 02-18-2009 10:59 PM       View Profile for JennJenn   Email JennJenn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for JennJenn

Thanks for the ideas, guys It means a lot.
RevengeIsMine
Senior Member
since 07-08-2006
Posts 832
Australia


9 posted 02-21-2009 01:59 AM       View Profile for RevengeIsMine   Email RevengeIsMine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for RevengeIsMine

I don't know how you guys got lost.. I LOVED THIS!.. it's great to FINALLY read about people moving on and focusing on postives rather than negatives.. You did a great job JennJenn and i didnt get lost at all
JennJenn
Junior Member
since 02-18-2009
Posts 20
Canada


10 posted 02-22-2009 04:14 PM       View Profile for JennJenn   Email JennJenn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for JennJenn

Wow! thanks for that I really appreciate it.

I've been trying so hard to write about positive stuff. The past 2 years has been all negative:P
JennJenn
Junior Member
since 02-18-2009
Posts 20
Canada


11 posted 02-22-2009 04:14 PM       View Profile for JennJenn   Email JennJenn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for JennJenn

oops, double posted.

[This message has been edited by JennJenn (02-23-2009 10:38 AM).]

 
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