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 shattered glass
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Passions in Poetry

shattered glass (it sucks i know)

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nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


0 posted 02-18-2009 08:55 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for nina1522

TRUST ME I KNOW IT SUCKS !!! buts thats why im posting it. i need some help expanding this and i deff need critisicm.


We are the                                    brocken
We are the                                    shattered
We are the                                    neglected

we are the unseen shadows in the dark corners
We are the unrepairable pieces of your unused glass
we are the ones who fill your empty frames lining your walls
we are the unheard cries from behind your reflection
we are the ones who surround you

[This message has been edited by nina1522 (02-19-2009 09:36 AM).]

© Copyright 2009 nina1522 - All Rights Reserved
Falling rain
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since 01-31-2008
Posts 2165
Small town, Illinois


1 posted 02-18-2009 09:00 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

First thing check your spelling when typing.
Second thing, I loved this sentence.
"we are the unheard cries from behind the reflection"
Really like that. But what do you really need help with continuing? Its sorta your idea and your thoughts.

That's just my two cents

-Zach  

When I see your smile, and I know itís not for me, thatís when Iíll miss you.

nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


2 posted 02-18-2009 09:02 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

oops thanks zach, i suck at typing. but is it too short?
JennJenn
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since 02-18-2009
Posts 20
Canada


3 posted 02-18-2009 09:03 PM       View Profile for JennJenn   Email JennJenn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for JennJenn

I really like the first bit where the words are seperated into kinda columns. I enjoy reading poetry with "different" format.
GothicCherry
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since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
TN


4 posted 02-19-2009 09:04 AM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

I don't think it's too short at all. That's actually one of the things I like about it. I like short poetry though, so yeah it's just my opinion.

nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


5 posted 02-19-2009 09:32 AM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

thank you
pen&paper
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since 06-06-2006
Posts 519


6 posted 02-19-2009 06:22 PM       View Profile for pen&paper   Email pen&paper   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for pen&paper

Don't doubt yourself! You truly are talented...you should start believing it.
If I were to make any suggestions it would be to watch the rythym... take out or add some words. Maybe something like this:

We are the                                    broken
We are the                                    shattered
We are the                                    neglected

we are the unseen shadows in dark corners
We are the unrepairable pieces of your unused glass
we are those who fill the empty frames lining your walls
we are the unheard cries trapped behind your reflection
we are the ones who surround you
 
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