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Passions in Poetry

Shadows (A attempt of trying out meter)

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Falling rain
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0 posted 02-17-2009 04:49 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

So I tried using the meter thing. Well I was actually using syllables and trying to make an even flow to it. What do you guys think?


Shadows


The silent is whispered through the leaves
In darkness it hinders awkward ease
The shadows reach out their ghost-like hands
Spreading fear through-out the land

Its chilling as it stretch its claws
Abiding to the secret laws
It strikes fear in fearless eyes
Baffles even the noble and wise

Holding fear of the unknown
That feeling you get when you're alone
Hidden terror within the black
A sense of no turning back

© Copyright 2009 Zach Booker-Scott - All Rights Reserved
freeand2sexy
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1 posted 02-17-2009 05:21 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

okay, starting with having the right amount of syllables is a good place to start, at least thats my opinion.

okay so this is what i got

the # of syllables in each line and stanza

1st stanza- 9,9,9,7

2nd- 8,8,7,9

3rd- 7,9,8,7

do you see the problem, theres no consistency or pattern

this is a really good start. just keep at it.

try a short poem with all nine syllables, or a pattern like, 8,9,8,9 or what ever you want to come up with


With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.
Falling rain
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2 posted 02-17-2009 05:34 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

Yeah. That's what I feared what happened. Oh well. I'll just keep on trying. Thanks for reading.

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know itís not for me, thatís when Iíll miss you.

nina1522
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3 posted 02-17-2009 08:16 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

i dont know what the meter thing is but i love this poem. Awesome job
Suncleaver
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4 posted 02-18-2009 01:03 PM       View Profile for Suncleaver   Email Suncleaver   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Suncleaver

The imagery was supernally powerful Zach, but like freeand2sexy mentioned, there needs to be a consistent pattern of syllables within each stanza.

I like 8,7,8,7 as a pattern for an individual stanza, but I often mess it up once I get past three or four stanzas.

Never sigh for a better world, it's already composed, played and told.

Suncleaver
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5 posted 02-18-2009 01:12 PM       View Profile for Suncleaver   Email Suncleaver   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Suncleaver

8,6,8,6 is easier. Grab a thesaurus and try writing a couple of things in that meter.

I wrote one in that pattern 'Blood and Stone' I think I called it, but I can't seem to find it anywhere...

It goes:

Da-dum, Da-dum, Da-dum, Da-dum,
Da-dum, Da-dum, Da-dum, (Pause)
Da-dum, Da-dum, Da-dum, Da-dum
Da-dum, Da-dum, Da-dum. (pause)

Speak it out loud and say the pauses in your head.

Never sigh for a better world, it's already composed, played and told.

Falling rain
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6 posted 02-18-2009 01:20 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

Yeah consistence is lacking in this poem. Gotta go find that thesaurus and dust it off. hahaha.

8,6,8,6 pattern is easy but knowing me I'm gonna do an 8,9,8,9. I tend to use a lot of describing in my work. But I'll give it a try.

-Zach  

When I see your smile, and I know itís not for me, thatís when Iíll miss you.

freeand2sexy
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7 posted 02-18-2009 01:31 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

hey zach try a 10,8,10,8 so that you still have the right number of Da-dums, so like this

Da-dum, Da-dum, Da-dum, Da-dum, Da-dum
Da-dum, Da-dum, Da-dum, Da-dum, (Pause)
Da-dum, Da-dum, Da-dum, Da-dum, Da-dum
Da-dum, Da-dum, Da-dum. Da-dum, (pause)


With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.
JennJenn
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8 posted 02-18-2009 08:04 PM       View Profile for JennJenn   Email JennJenn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for JennJenn

I really liked this
Falling rain
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9 posted 02-18-2009 09:05 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

Thank you
 
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