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Subtraction

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greenshoes
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since 11-11-2008
Posts 6
Scotland


0 posted 02-17-2009 08:20 AM       View Profile for greenshoes   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for greenshoes

From time to time, we all experience an amazing feeling - love. Love in friendship, in romance, in family - just pure, absolute love. Of course, many of us also experience losing it, perhaps in different ways. It can be abrupt, or it can be gradual. In my case it was the latter, and this is a reflection between now and then, and the differences that strike me.

Subtraction

again today, walked past did she,
her now sharpened toungue for once was tame.
i saw afternoons of blissful breeze,
on days where raindrops rarely came.

sleepless nights of blissful hoping
for dreams best seen in the morning light.
now i find myself but groping,
for vague truths out somewhere in the night.

in some moment far behind us,
a world turned upon itself.
the ties that bind, the lights that blind us,
pulled and pushed it from its shelf.

and so our story's birth, those days in streets
of life, laughter and love;
results in non-related heartbeats,
moving blind to chances up above.

from every singly pure reaction,
rose my square and epic illusion.
the bricks that were beauty are now subtraction;
piece by piece retracting the former fusion.

--------

Meh, I just sort of threw it down, so to speak, in a matter of minutes. Sometimes things happen that require you not to think, but to simply let them out. Therefore, it's for the most part unedited and all first draft. I'll let that vouch for the technique that's lacking and the perhaps poor structure, haha :P

Merci, any feedback would be great  

-David

[This message has been edited by greenshoes (02-17-2009 08:53 AM).]

© Copyright 2009 greenshoes - All Rights Reserved
Falling rain
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since 01-31-2008
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Small town, Illinois


1 posted 02-17-2009 08:45 AM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

Hey David,
I understand the whole not wanting to work on structure thing. Personally I get tired of working on it. lol. I like your word choices in here but the story line was a little vague. I didn't quite understand what was in it. Maybe work on that?

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know itís not for me, thatís when Iíll miss you.

greenshoes
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since 11-11-2008
Posts 6
Scotland


2 posted 02-17-2009 08:50 AM       View Profile for greenshoes   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for greenshoes

Yeah, I see exactly what you mean. I dunno, it's difficult to re-arrange because each stanza is just a different aspect of the same thing. While I work on it, I'll put an explanation it, haha. Cheers

Oh, and yes, indeed. I think it can sometimes just ruin the message if you get tied down in specific meter and stuff.
freeand2sexy
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since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


3 posted 02-17-2009 12:10 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Maybe, its just too early for me that i can't think straight(its 9am in california), but i didn't get the story, for example the first two lines in the first stanza, what did it have to do with the next two lines, but i did like how the poem rhymed.

I dont know, but for some reason i've been telling people that if they learnd to write using some kind of meter their poetry would become absolutly amazing (which is true).

I think if you practiced using meter, as i am (tho i can't seem to get the hang of it), it would help the message that you try to protray in your poems, not ruin it.

tho you'd have to pick out the right kind of meter or form of poetry that fits your poems best.

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.
Falling rain
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4 posted 02-17-2009 03:31 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

Christine I think using meters helps the flow of the poem. So thus making it sound better when read. But it doesn't necessarily make the story line much better. The story is the story. Not much you can do to change it. But you can only change how its told. You know what I mean?

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know itís not for me, thatís when Iíll miss you.

freeand2sexy
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since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


5 posted 02-17-2009 03:56 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

I understand what your saying Zach, meter does help the flow, and the flow helps protray the message in the way that the reader can easily grasp. Thus

The appropriate meter/form of poetry equals the way the poem is read and how it flows which equals the way the message is being perceived by the reader.

(um, did that make any sense? sometimes i confuse myself)

the meter does effect the way the message comes off in the poem.

tho, you CAN write a poem in perfect meter that is not understandable, but then i wouldn't call that a poem, just gibberish.

So what i'm trying to say is if you have a poem with a good message or story, having a meter in your poem doesn't ruin the message, it makes it better and more clear/understandable. you just have to practice using meter in your poetry

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.
 
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