Well Christine you nailed it I think. Both the scanning of your original poem and that of the new iambic version.
I see from your post in CA that you are interested primarily in writing formal poetry. If you can get it from the library there is a very easily readable book by Stephen Fry:
Which deals exclusively with form poetry in all its wonderful manifestations.
A word of caution though. Being able to write in traditional forms such as terza rima, villanelles, ballads, and sonnets as you mentioned is a wonderful skill and very satisfying, but really at your level of skill, where you clearly understand and can "hear" stress patterns, it is now merely a matter of knowing the forms and fitting in the appropriate stresses and rhyming patterns.
Have you ever thought about WHY people might want to read your poetry though?
I assure you that no-one is going to be interested in reading your writing merely because it happens to be a villanelle or a sonnet. It all depends upon why you want to write. If you are just doing it for your own satisfaction then no problem - learn the forms and off you go!
But interesting poetry isn't about fitting a stress pattern into an ancient form. It speaks to life love death the seasons war etc, all the things that matter to humans. And if you want to learn to write in the formal styles you've mentioned AND write good poetry then, like mastering all worthwhile things, you need to practice practice practice. In fact you need to become so absolutely familiar with meter and unforced rhyme that it becomes second nature - rather like the way you forget about the controls of a car when you drive.
My recommendation (from personal experience) is that as well as playing around with the various forms if you like, you also get down to some serious writing of blank verse. Beginners often dive right into writing villanelles, sonnets or whatever, and don't realise just how hard it is to write a good formal poem AND make good sense! One of the biggest distractions for beginners setting out to master meter and the various forms is the need to simultaneously think about:
1 Writing something worthwhile
2 Following the correct form and metrical pattern
3 Making unforced end rhymes
Writing loads and loads of stuff in blank verse as practice enables you to remove perhaps the most distracting element - the need to end rhyme. Blank verse is simply 10 syllables per line in "da DUM da DUM" stress pattern - (iambic pentameter if you wish), but without any end rhyme. Milton in Paradise lost for instance used it:
" From what highth fal'n, so much the stronger provd
He with his Thunder: and till then who knew
The force of those dire Arms? yet not for those
Nor what the Potent Victor in his rage
Can else inflict do I repent or change,
Though chang'd in outward lustre; that fixt mind
And high disdain, from sence of injur'd merit,
That with the mightiest rais'd me to contend,
And to the fierce contention brought along
Innumerable force of Spirits arm'd
That durst dislike his reign, and me preferring,
His utmost power with adverse power oppos'd
In dubious Battel on the Plains of Heav'n,
And shook his throne. What though the field be lost?"
(Some lines have "female" endings (unstressed last syllable as in "and me preferring"), thus have 11 syllables, a permitted variation of blank verse).
You may not like blank verse as you said in CA but it really is imo a necessary stepping stone towards an ability to write good formal poetry. At first you may find you struggle just to keep the iambic pattern using one and two syllable words, but after a while you should start to incorporate some multi-syllable words and experiment with enjambment and trochaic variations. Finally when the meter is second nature you will hopefully begin to write stuff that makes sense and then go on to writing real poetry with originality and flair. Only when you can do that expertly in blank verse should you move on to trying to write serious rhyming poetry, and even then I recommend to start with one on the easier forms. Simple quatrains in iambic pentameter would be a good start like this from Thomas Gray's "Elegy Written in a Country Church-yard":
"The Curfew tolls the knell of parting day,
The lowing herd wind slowly o'er the lea,
The plowman homeward plods his weary way,
And leaves the world to darkness and to me."
Then perhaps move on to try a Shakespearean sonnet.
But for now if you want to I'd love to see you write 50 lines of blank verse and post in this forum or CA!
PS Incidentally Christine I see from your post in CA that you say that you hate free verse. Try not to hate it! You see even free verse is grounded in the deeply embedded rhythms of language and the patterning (stress patterns) of sounds. Good free verse can be just as lyrical and beautiful as end rhymed form poetry. While it may not at first sight to have any meter, more often than not pleasing free verse establishes patterns with metrical fragments, internal rhymes, and repeating rhythms for example. But again, good free verse is hard to write, and the best poets will have a strong grounding in metrical verse and be completely coversant with the manipulation of stress patterns. You have to know the rules in order to break them!