How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Main Forums
 Teen Poetry #9
 My first   [ Page: 1  2  3  4  5  ]
 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99
Follow us on Facebook

 Moderated by: Acies, Dopey Dope, SEA   (Admins )

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

My first (short) poem in trochaic tetrameter(I think)

 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
moonbeam
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 12-24-2005
Posts 2038


75 posted 02-22-2009 03:45 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Hi Michaela

Internal rhyme usually refers to exact rhymes within a line, e.g.

"The man who wanted more can find it here"

I have also seen the phrase internal rhyme used to mean rhymes near to each other (say a line or two apart) in a poem but again within the line rather than at the end or beginning.

There's no reason why you should not have a few internal rhymes in blank verse especially if they are a line or two apart.  

As for slant rhymes they are, imo, not only inevitable, but probably desirable.

M
GothicCherry
Member
since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
TN


76 posted 02-22-2009 03:54 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

Ok, good. I didn't want to use them if they were going to ruin the free verse. I was finding them hard to ignore though. Christine and I are so lucky to have you helping us.
freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


77 posted 02-22-2009 04:26 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Okay, and I know the difference between assonance and cosonance, I just couldn't think straight before, and I know what alliteration is, as well. Thank you.

(now to find a word that rhymes better with 'soul')


With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.
moonbeam
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 12-24-2005
Posts 2038


78 posted 02-22-2009 05:18 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

No prob Michaela, and thanks for the thanks, but really it's me who should be thanking you for listening.

It's "consonance" Christine  

How about "mole". Heh. Or try this:

http://www.rhymezone.com/

M
freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


79 posted 02-22-2009 05:25 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

mole? lol

I got 2 links for rhyming already, but thanks for the third!

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

moonbeam
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 12-24-2005
Posts 2038


80 posted 02-22-2009 06:03 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Is there anything you aren't good at Christine?

I think I'll go get some sleep.  Monday tomorrow.  Ugh.
GothicCherry
Member
since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
TN


81 posted 02-22-2009 06:11 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

I get on rhymezone a lot but it's not my favorite rhyming site. And why would you thank us for listening? We are the ones who are benefitting.
freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


82 posted 02-22-2009 06:15 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

No, I'm good at everything (kidding)

Yes, there are a million things I'm not good at, and if your talking about just poetry, I plan to be good at everything I possibly can be, but that will take me years, probably my whole life, but poetry (besides God) is my whole life, so if it takes forever, I'm okay with that.


With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.
freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


83 posted 02-22-2009 06:58 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Hey what about 'soul' and 'control'

here's the stanza,

But now I wonder why the ground must shake
Or why this frightful fear has filled my soul
My lifeís discomfort makes these ghastly quakes
And now Iím stuck at home without control

It's either that or

And now Iím stuck here lying on this coal

Ooh ooh, or

And now Iím stuck here with my ugly mole.

I like the last one the best, but that's just me. lol


With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.
GothicCherry
Member
since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
TN


84 posted 02-22-2009 07:06 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

HaHaHa, I like the first.
Grinch
Member Elite
since 12-31-2005
Posts 2710
Whoville


85 posted 02-22-2009 07:12 PM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch


Sorry for butting in Rob

Just a suggestion Christine - try ďrigmaroleĒ

freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


86 posted 02-22-2009 07:20 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Ooh, the stresses are in the right place, but I don't know if the meaning fits so well with what I'm trying to say here.

'confusing sequence of tasks' I'm not sure what that has to do with the stanza or my poem at all. I'll have to see if it could possibly work.


With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.
Grinch
Member Elite
since 12-31-2005
Posts 2710
Whoville


87 posted 02-22-2009 07:51 PM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch


A seismic shift within this rigmarole

OK Rob that was it my last interruption - honest!

freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


88 posted 02-22-2009 08:01 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

It makes some sense, but rigmarole still means ridiculous tasks that are unnecissary, and I'm not sure how that works with my poem, and even if it did I couldn't use this line, because they are your words and not mine. And I feel like that would be cheating, mostly cheating myself.

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.
moonbeam
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 12-24-2005
Posts 2038


89 posted 02-23-2009 05:00 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Grinch, you are welcome to butt in anytime of course    

Christine,

But now I wonder why the ground must shake
Or why this frightful fear has filled my soul
My lifeís discomfort makes these ghastly quakes

(A seismic shift within this rigmarole)

I thought Grinch's idea using "seismic shift" was pretty brilliant in that it picked up on your shaking ground and your quakes.  That's what I was talking about earlier: maintaining the metaphor.

I kind of agree with you about "rigmarole" though.  It introduces an element of triviality which doesn't quite sit right with the seriousness of the theme. It's way better than "mole" though!    

I might be inclined to simply go for:

"A seismic shift that loses all control", or

"A seismic shift that loses me (my) control"

Anyway I also agree with you about not using lines from other people - though when you are learning suggestions can be helpful in promoting your own thought to hopefully higher things.

And shame on you for using "soul"; that's a habit you so need to cure!    

M
moonbeam
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 12-24-2005
Posts 2038


90 posted 02-23-2009 05:04 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Michaela

Why would I thank you!?

If you'd spent 10 years writing helpful critiques and suggestions for sometimes ungrateful poets, you'd be darned thankful for anybody willing to listen too.

M

freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


91 posted 02-23-2009 05:19 AM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

I didn't know I had a habit of using the word 'soul', but okay, and you didn't meantion this before, so I'm sorry if I'm a bit confused right now.

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

moonbeam
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 12-24-2005
Posts 2038


92 posted 02-23-2009 08:09 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Christine

Don't worry you aren't confused - you're going to have to get used to my weird Brit sense of humour.  

I don't know for certain that you do use "soul" a lot.  It's just that in some so called serious poetry circles certain words are giggled at as being very overused (cliche), especially by beginner poets and so called Hallmark poets (the greeting cards).  Such words include horrors such as:

soul
heart
stars
moon
beach
shard

But yanno, really you'll see all these words used by published poets - I guess it's how you use them that matters, and to avoid overuse.

Another pitfall that beginners are advised to avoid is overuse of "modifiers".  Do you know what I mean by that?

M
Essorant
Member Elite
since 08-10-2002
Posts 4689
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada


93 posted 02-23-2009 01:08 PM       View Profile for Essorant   Email Essorant   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Essorant's Home Page   View IP for Essorant

Good to see your metercraft coming along so well.  

For the stanza you are working on, I would also mention it often only takes a little adjustment to make the rhymewords perfect:

But now I wonder why the ground must shake
Or why this frightful fear has filled my soul
My lifeís discomfort makes this ghastly quake
And now Iím stuck at home without control

Or perhaps:

But now I wonder why the ground thus shakes
Or why this frightful fear has filled my soul
My lifeís discomfort makes these ghastly quakes
And now Iím stuck at home without control


quote:
really you'll see all these words used by published poets


Including all of us too, that are published right here at this site  
  

Falling rain
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 01-31-2008
Posts 2165
Small town, Illinois


94 posted 02-23-2009 01:08 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

Hey sorry Moonbeam. This whole meter thing is too confusing right now. I just want to focus on syllabic's right now. Take things one step at a time to perfect and get things down. Grinch do you mind helping me with this? Please and thanks.

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know itís not for me, thatís when Iíll miss you.

freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


95 posted 02-23-2009 01:42 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Modifiers? um adjectives and adverbs I think.

Well I looked over all my poems posted and I only found one with the word soul within the line, but I will admit to using the word heart a lot.

(now to change a bunch of words in my poem, which it going to seem impossible.)


With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.
moonbeam
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 12-24-2005
Posts 2038


96 posted 02-23-2009 04:11 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

You didn't seriously look back at all your poems!  I'm sorry I really didn't mean you to do that.

I guess I meant look forward to future poems.  I mean, if I look back at the poems I wrote 10 years ago I curl up in embarrassment.  But it's all good - all part of the learning process.  

You are absolutely right about modifiers. No doubt if we carry on chatting about your poems the subject will come up again!

Meanwhile are we going to have a go at a villanelle, or maybe something easier to start with?

M
moonbeam
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 12-24-2005
Posts 2038


97 posted 02-23-2009 04:13 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

That's totally cool Zach.  Whatever you feel comfy with.  And let me tell you, Grinch is one of the very best poets on this site, unfortunately he's also the most modest!
GothicCherry
Member
since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
TN


98 posted 02-23-2009 04:39 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

Lol...

Well, I am most grateful for your help and I 'm sure Christine is as well. Even though you want to thank us. Lol...

Oh, and I will try have that IP assignment completed soon. (I take longer than Christine)
freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


99 posted 02-23-2009 04:47 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Yeah I took a glance at them, but it was only 50 poems, took me like 3 min tops, plus I was curious to see if I did over use the word soul, and I'm glad I didn't though I realized I over used some other words, which I'm glad I now know.

I want to work on the villanelle, but I'm having trouble being specific on what it's going to be about, like I've said before, I normally don't plan out what I write I just write. I might need more time, and especially since I'm a little more busy this week, I'm behind in school work and need to catch up, I seem to of put off my work for poetry.
freeand2sexy will be notified of replies
 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Main Forums >> Teen Poetry #9 >> My first   [ Page: 1  2  3  4  5  ] Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors