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Passions in Poetry

Can You Hear Me?

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Falling rain
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since 01-31-2008
Posts 2165
Small town, Illinois


0 posted 02-10-2009 10:01 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

alone Pictures, Images and Photos
They tell me I gotta be strong
For the hardest part has just begun
I can feel it within these bones
This deep feeling of being alone

Its eating at me from the inside out
Leaving me tired; too weak to shout
Trapped in silent torturous pain
An empty shell is all that remains

These days I cry out my heart
Because this pain is tearing me apart
Heavy thoughts cloud my mind
Captive in thorny vines

I'm calling out to you
But help comes to the few
Someone? Anyone? Please help me
Are you too blind to see?

Can you not see the broken spirit?
Because I'm slowly coming to my limit
I'm getting sick of it all
Your just waiting to see me fall

I've fallen to the place that meets no end.
No words can't help this heart mend
Trapped within this loneliness tonight
I'm anything but alright.

[This message has been edited by Falling rain (02-11-2009 08:04 AM).]

© Copyright 2009 Zach Booker-Scott - All Rights Reserved
freeand2sexy
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since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


1 posted 02-11-2009 12:14 AM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

I really like this except when it changed from 1st person to 3rd and then back, it kinda confused me.

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

Falling rain
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2 posted 02-11-2009 08:02 AM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

Oh.. Yeah I noticed that just now after I reread it. Hahaha. Would you think it would be better if in the second to last stanza (the place where it goes into 3rd person) if I changed "him" and "he's" into "me" and "I"? That way it would be first person through out the poem?

-Zach  

When I see your smile, and I know itís not for me, thatís when Iíll miss you.

freeand2sexy
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since 09-12-2008
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3 posted 02-11-2009 11:42 AM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

I think it would be better that you changed it UNLESS you could find a way to transition "I" and "me" to "he's" and "him" in a way that is more understandable, though it would probably be more work for you to do that and it may be too difficult of challenge. if it were me i'd jus change it.

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.
greenshoes
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since 11-11-2008
Posts 6
Scotland


4 posted 02-17-2009 08:36 AM       View Profile for greenshoes   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for greenshoes

Wow, I really liked it. The last stanza, particularly the last two lines, were really striking for me.

And haha, the first few replies confused me when I looked back at the poem to try and find where it turned 3rd person. I mean, I see that you've changed it now, of course, but I spent like two or three minutes checking, rofl.
Falling rain
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5 posted 02-17-2009 08:41 AM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

rotfl. Well here's the stanza I changed from 3rd to 1st person...

"Can you not see the broken spirit?
Because I'm slowly coming to my limit
I'm getting sick of it all
Your just waiting to see me fall"

If you see the words "I'm" and "me" were actually "He's" and "him".

Thanks for reading!
-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know itís not for me, thatís when Iíll miss you.

freeand2sexy
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since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


6 posted 02-17-2009 12:17 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Much better, sry didn't realize you changed it before, again sry.

Now to kill myself with the whole trochaic tetrameter, i'm working on. (pass the aspirin plz)

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

Earl Robertson
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since 01-21-2008
Posts 753
BC, Canada


7 posted 02-17-2009 02:12 PM       View Profile for Earl Robertson   Email Earl Robertson   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Earl Robertson

Beautiful!
Rain this may well be your best poem yet.

As to the third person first person debate maybe a compromise is in order?


Can you not see this broken spirit?
Because it's slowly coming to it's limit
I'm getting sick of it all
Your just waiting to see me fall

That seems better than either of the two extremest views :p In my humble opinion at least!

This was exelent Zach, and I truly hope things get better for you.

LIBRARY!!!

My melancholy is purely my own

Falling rain
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8 posted 02-17-2009 03:37 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

See guys? Leave it to Frank to make sense to this madness :P

Thanks for your help.
I would change it to what you have written but I don't think I can. I'll check after I post this comment. haha.

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know itís not for me, thatís when Iíll miss you.

KandyGrl511
Member
since 11-30-2008
Posts 52
Michigan


9 posted 02-19-2009 10:07 PM       View Profile for KandyGrl511   Email KandyGrl511   Edit/Delete Message     View IP for KandyGrl511

wow i love this one

~R.I.P~ Scott Ackley (My dad) and Klye McGuire (My Nephew)~

 
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