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Teen Poetry #9
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rebelangelv
Senior Member
since 2007-05-28
Posts 538
usa

0 posted 2009-02-07 04:56 PM


There’s something that I need to say
Please don’t turn your eyes away
Listen good and listen well
For this is something hard to tell
I cannot love you anymore
My heart is broken and thoroughly tore
It gets harder day by day
To see you love, then walk away
It hurts when you’re gone
I feel as if I did something wrong
But when you’re near, I remember times past
The reasons why our love couldn’t last
I have thought this through
And the problem is you
But whether here or there
It hurts so much because I care
Therefore the solution is me
I must now let my heart be free
So, goodbye love, I leave you now
We’ll move on and survive somehow

only a vampire can love you forever.
forbidden to remember, terrified to forget

© Copyright 2009 leah nelson - All Rights Reserved
rebelangelv
Senior Member
since 2007-05-28
Posts 538
usa
1 posted 2009-02-07 04:59 PM


hey guys, this is kinda just a rough draft so please help me out. there are a lot of lines that i really don't like, so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. thanks guys!

only a vampire can love you forever.
forbidden to remember, terrified to forget

Falling rain
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois
2 posted 2009-02-07 05:32 PM


I like this a lot. I know how the feeling is.

"I must now let my heart be free"
That line was off. I think it should be "Please set my heart free". What do you think?

I think its pretty good over all.

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know it’s not for me, that’s when I’ll miss you.

freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704
CA, USA
3 posted 2009-02-08 10:19 PM


I really liked this, probably because i can relate, but i have to disgree with Zach, i don't think you should change the 18th line. That part sounds good to me, but i guess that's jus my opinion.

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

rebelangelv
Senior Member
since 2007-05-28
Posts 538
usa
4 posted 2009-02-09 08:49 PM


thanks u guys
i kinda like that line too but ill look into it. thanks again

only a vampire can love you forever.
forbidden to remember, terrified to forget

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