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Passions in Poetry

Master Of Puppets

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Octave
Member
since 07-29-2008
Posts 188
Highlands, Scotland.


0 posted 01-31-2009 04:40 PM       View Profile for Octave   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Octave

Master Of Puppets

Sitting in my cardboard cage
Moving as I gently shake
Entrapped inside this sour rage
Nought to give nor none to take

The skyís a wall all around
Bricked into certain dread
Ears pick up on muffled sound
As I claw inside my head

Peering out from solid bars
Taste the evil in the air
Stir the sins inside the jar
Sit and chew my knotted hair

Nails scratch a pattern deep
Score a poem into my skin
Dare not cry, dare not weep
As my hope is waning thin

Fingers locked upon my chest
Furtive grins do line my face
Curled inside my filthy nest
Feed from pools of my disgrace

Heartís a gnawed up mangled slice
Of every sin I beg to deny
Hopeful shadows I do entice
Tongue the sweetness of a lie

Hear my masterís silver call
As I lie in fragments on the floor
Eyes are shattered, face is dull
Hear the creak of that sly door

Sitting in my cardboard cage
Nothing left to want to save
Entrapped inside this sour rage
I seek no life beyond this grave.
© Copyright 2009 Octave - All Rights Reserved
SEA
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Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 01-18-2000
Posts 24152
with you


1 posted 01-31-2009 05:17 PM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

this is really, really good!

"Heartís a gnawed up mangled slice
Of every sin I beg to deny
Hopeful shadows I do entice
Tongue the sweetness of a lie"

loved this part
Falling rain
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Member Elite
since 01-31-2008
Posts 2165
Small town, Illinois


2 posted 01-31-2009 06:22 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

Wow! This is like my favorite poem form you yet! Geez you talent for writing astonishes me.

"The skyís a wall all around
Bricked into certain dread
Ears pick up on muffled sound
As I claw inside my head"

My favorite stanza. (Library)

When I see your smile, and I know itís not for me, thatís when Iíll miss you.

freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


3 posted 02-02-2009 06:35 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

This is absolutely amazing. Out of curiosity, how long did it take you to write this?

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

Octave
Member
since 07-29-2008
Posts 188
Highlands, Scotland.


4 posted 02-03-2009 11:27 AM       View Profile for Octave   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Octave

Thanks for all the positive comments.
Its really nice hearing positive feedback on my "work".
Im really pleased with this poem. It seems to make a lot of sense to me.

I'm not sure. About 10-15 minutes?
Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 08-02-99
Posts 9130
Purgatorial Incarceration


5 posted 02-03-2009 03:32 PM       View Profile for Christopher   Email Christopher   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Christopher

Really liked this as well. It has a hard, definable edge that fits extremely well with the darkness of the subject matter.

I'm not typically one to appreciate rhyming (it usually jars and infects my enjoyment of the topic), but this one worked well -- with one exception: I would look at the following stanza (particularly line 2). It jerked me out of a smooth read, and I had to push myself back in.
quote:
Heartís a gnawed up mangled slice
Of every sin I beg to deny
Hopeful shadows I do entice
Tongue the sweetness of a lie
Perhaps a change as simple as switching "...sin I beg to deny" to "...sin I can't deny." I think those extra syllables (that don't fit with the rest of the format as I read it) are what threw me off.

Still, a most entertaining read.

-C
GothicCherry
Member
since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
TN


6 posted 02-04-2009 09:39 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

Very nice! You are an extremely talented writer. && it only took 10-15 minutes? Whoa, I would guess much longer...
 
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