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 Teen Poetry #9
 goodbyes.
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Passions in Poetry

goodbyes.

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Clockwork_Orange
Senior Member
since 03-23-2007
Posts 623
Space Camp, IN


0 posted 01-12-2009 10:43 PM       View Profile for Clockwork_Orange   Email Clockwork_Orange   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit Clockwork_Orange's Home Page   View IP for Clockwork_Orange

maybe baby, lets draw these waiting
eyes are are wondering, stumbling
through the stary skies
you make them seem to shine so bright
the way they dance, they seem alive

and so subtly the atmosphere changed
dawns closing in as the stars give way
i could stay rested in this place
sleeping in your arms

i wake up to you beside me
and that face is smiling
late nights with dirty lies
the smell of liquor and no goodbyes

© Copyright 2009 Bryan Lucas - All Rights Reserved
Assassin_of_Verse
Member
since 10-23-2007
Posts 330
that So Cal


1 posted 01-13-2009 12:45 AM       View Profile for Assassin_of_Verse   Email Assassin_of_Verse   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Assassin_of_Verse


Innocent at first, but bittersweet in the end.

The only thing I could suggest is changing the last line. Maybe it's just me, but
"the smell of liqour sounds cliche"...

There is power in the pen.

Clockwork_Orange
Senior Member
since 03-23-2007
Posts 623
Space Camp, IN


2 posted 01-14-2009 07:00 AM       View Profile for Clockwork_Orange   Email Clockwork_Orange   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Clockwork_Orange's Home Page   View IP for Clockwork_Orange

haha. yeah but i love it. you would just have to know the story behind it man.
RevengeIsMine
Senior Member
since 07-08-2006
Posts 832
Australia


3 posted 01-15-2009 02:19 AM       View Profile for RevengeIsMine   Email RevengeIsMine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for RevengeIsMine

I Like it.. don't think it needs changing.. i had a sequal too ur if i gave u an ocean poem.. was half written.. now i can't find the old one and i can't finish it lol
 
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