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| Teen Poetry #9 |
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Windows |
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Ri Member
since 2008-02-01
Posts 67Blackburn, England |
The same transparency of glass, pure and clear lies Helps the light to shine shamefully through my casement An artificial shine like that of your eyes Hiding your true emotions in the basement It was so clear that I looked right through the truth Past the polluted promises of deception Now the disease is spreading; my walls are uncouth And bleach will never cleanse people’s perceptions My eyes are the windows to my soul Yours just led me to bed Too late to find out, I wish I was blind now You smashed my windows with a gaping hole To me, your soul is dead My eyes were sewn shut, now I guess I grew up I once looked into your eyes when you declared love And I saw no warnings of a perjury I played into your hard-hearted hands like a glove But is it my windows or yours that need surgery? My eyes are the windows to my soul Yours just led me to bed Too late to find out, I wish I was blind now You smashed my windows with a gaping hole To me, your soul is dead My eyes were sewn shut, now I guess I grew up This summer I will open my windows and let a beautiful breeze overcome my blindness for I cannot live my life in a moral regret I’ll find windows with understanding and kindness My eyes are the windows to my soul And they will forever stay clean I am not to blame, my soul will remain You repaired my windows, making me whole I see the truth, serene My eyes were sewn shut, now I guess I grew up |
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| © Copyright 2009 Rian Mercer - All Rights Reserved | |||
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GothicCherry Member
since 2008-09-16
Posts 471TN |
You mentioned 'eyes' a lot. It sort of annoyed me... |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Hi Rian, This: The same transparency of glass, pure and clear lies Helps the light to shine shamefully through my casement An artificial shine like that of your eyes Hiding your true emotions in the basement It was so clear that I looked right through the truth Past the polluted promises of deception Now the disease is spreading; my walls are uncouth And bleach will never cleanse people's perceptions and this: This summer I will open my windows and let a beautiful breeze overcome my blindness contain the elements of quite a good poem. The rest is probably not worth working on. Can you see why? And Blackburn is not bleak! Centre of the universe Darwen moor.  M |
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Ri Member
since 2008-02-01
Posts 67Blackburn, England |
Hi, thanks for the feedback. This is one of my weakest poems by my own admission and I know what you mean. I guess I was feeling bitter about things and I let that control the poem rather than my mind. Poems should be fuelled by emotion, yet you can't expect fuel to give direction |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
You are right. Emotion without direction is often unsuccessful. |
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