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Passions in Poetry

Windows

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Ri
Member
since 02-01-2008
Posts 67
Blackburn, England


0 posted 01-08-2009 04:50 AM       View Profile for Ri   Email Ri   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Ri

The same transparency of glass, pure and clear lies
Helps the light to shine shamefully through my casement
An artificial shine like that of your eyes
Hiding your true emotions in the basement

It was so clear that I looked right through the truth
Past the polluted promises of deception
Now the disease is spreading; my walls are uncouth
And bleach will never cleanse peopleís perceptions

My eyes are the windows to my soul
Yours just led me to bed
Too late to find out, I wish I was blind now
You smashed my windows with a gaping hole
To me, your soul is dead
My eyes were sewn shut, now I guess I grew up

I once looked into your eyes when you declared love
And I saw no warnings of a perjury
I played into your hard-hearted hands like a glove
But is it my windows or yours that need surgery?

My eyes are the windows to my soul
Yours just led me to bed
Too late to find out, I wish I was blind now
You smashed my windows with a gaping hole
To me, your soul is dead
My eyes were sewn shut, now I guess I grew up

This summer I will open my windows and let
a beautiful breeze overcome my blindness
for I cannot live my life in a moral regret
Iíll find windows with understanding and kindness

My eyes are the windows to my soul
And they will forever stay clean
I am not to blame, my soul will remain
You repaired my windows, making me whole
I see the truth, serene
My eyes were sewn shut, now I guess I grew up
© Copyright 2009 Rian Mercer - All Rights Reserved
GothicCherry
Member
since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
TN


1 posted 03-20-2009 09:08 AM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

You mentioned 'eyes' a lot. It sort of annoyed me...
moonbeam
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since 12-24-2005
Posts 2038


2 posted 03-20-2009 04:50 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Hi Rian,

This:

The same transparency of glass, pure and clear lies
Helps the light to shine shamefully through my casement
An artificial shine like that of your eyes
Hiding your true emotions in the basement

It was so clear that I looked right through the truth
Past the polluted promises of deception
Now the disease is spreading; my walls are uncouth
And bleach will never cleanse people's perceptions

and this:

This summer I will open my windows and let
a beautiful breeze overcome my blindness

contain the elements of quite a good poem.  The rest is probably not worth working on.  Can you see why?

And Blackburn is not bleak!  Centre of the universe Darwen moor.  

M
Ri
Member
since 02-01-2008
Posts 67
Blackburn, England


3 posted 03-21-2009 09:59 AM       View Profile for Ri   Email Ri   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Ri

Hi, thanks for the feedback. This is one of my weakest poems by my own admission and I know what you mean. I guess I was feeling bitter about things and I let that control the poem rather than my mind. Poems should be fuelled by emotion, yet you can't expect fuel to give direction

moonbeam
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since 12-24-2005
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4 posted 03-21-2009 04:47 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

You are right.  Emotion without direction is often unsuccessful.
 
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