How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Main Forums
 Teen Poetry #9
 Do i ask for to much?
 1 2 3
Follow us on Facebook

 Moderated by: Acies, Dopey Dope, SEA   (Admins )

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

Do i ask for to much?

 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
gdcod2player
Member
since 07-26-2008
Posts 116


0 posted 01-02-2009 09:30 PM       View Profile for gdcod2player   Email gdcod2player   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for gdcod2player


I swear I could see you
Everything I want to hold on to
Everything is you

I wish I wasnít pretending
I wish I could have you here
I wish you felt my safety now

I want to pretend to much
I want to hold you in my arms
But that is another thing I dream of
Is it to much to hold on to?
The image you left behind
Itís in my memory
I wonít let it leave

I want to help you build your life
Will you let me get close?
I canít stand to be without you
Say something before I get brought down
Will I ever know your name?
There is nothing I can do

Donít forget what happened
I keep feeling the same way
What am I really thinking about
Is this what it is?
I ask for too much
Is it really what I want?
Do I need to hope for something else?
© Copyright 2009 gdcod2player - All Rights Reserved
rhia_5779
Senior Member
since 06-09-2006
Posts 1304
California


1 posted 01-04-2009 11:23 PM       View Profile for rhia_5779   Email rhia_5779   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for rhia_5779

This was good it has a lot of emotion in it. It seemed to tell not show though- maybe if its not too  difficult because sometimes if something hits to close to the heart then its not possible to but rereading and seeing where you can subsitute imagery for just regular words.
Rhia
GothicCherry
Member
since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
TN


2 posted 01-30-2009 08:52 AM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

It seems more like you are casually talking to someone instead of writing a poem...Like the thoughts, but I agree with Rhia.
Falling rain
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 01-31-2008
Posts 2165
Small town, Illinois


3 posted 01-30-2009 04:52 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

If I understood what Rhia said I'd have to agree with her. lol... I think? My comment is just describe more. You have your sentences more as statements. Its just awkward to read for me. Good try though?

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know itís not for me, thatís when Iíll miss you.

 
 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Main Forums >> Teen Poetry #9 >> Do i ask for to much? Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors