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Teen Poetry #9
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Do i ask for to much?
| Teen Poetry #9 |
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Do i ask for to much? |
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gdcod2player Member
since 2008-07-26
Posts 117 |
I swear I could see you Everything I want to hold on to Everything is you I wish I wasn’t pretending I wish I could have you here I wish you felt my safety now I want to pretend to much I want to hold you in my arms But that is another thing I dream of Is it to much to hold on to? The image you left behind It’s in my memory I won’t let it leave I want to help you build your life Will you let me get close? I can’t stand to be without you Say something before I get brought down Will I ever know your name? There is nothing I can do Don’t forget what happened I keep feeling the same way What am I really thinking about Is this what it is? I ask for too much Is it really what I want? Do I need to hope for something else? |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
This was good it has a lot of emotion in it. It seemed to tell not show though- maybe if its not too difficult because sometimes if something hits to close to the heart then its not possible to but rereading and seeing where you can subsitute imagery for just regular words. Rhia |
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GothicCherry Member
since 2008-09-16
Posts 471TN |
It seems more like you are casually talking to someone instead of writing a poem...Like the thoughts, but I agree with Rhia. |
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Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
If I understood what Rhia said I'd have to agree with her. lol... I think? My comment is just describe more. You have your sentences more as statements. Its just awkward to read for me. Good try though? -Zach When I see your smile, and I know it’s not for me, that’s when I’ll miss you. |
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