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zaaclindsay
Member
since 2009-08-12
Posts 111
Ottawa Ontario

0 posted 2009-09-08 11:31 AM



Dark sigh, dark cry
Thundering hoofbeats
Drawing nigh
Dark cry, hell’s best lie
Swallows everything
You try
Don’t even ask,
Put on the mask
Pray and conjure
For the task
Search the past
For a way to last
Hope for morning’s
Coming fast
Nowhere to run
Soul gone numb
Fear this time
Might be the one
The heart succumbs
To the pounding drum
That strikes you blinded,
Deaf, and dumb.

I kept wondering why that frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger....and then it hit me.

© Copyright 2009 David I Graf - All Rights Reserved
heartofsteel
Junior Member
since 2009-09-07
Posts 13
Oregon, USA
1 posted 2009-09-08 04:51 PM


This poem was alright.
I think i would like it better if it didn't rhyme. I think it just took away from it.

May fates path fulfill your dreams.

drunkenirishpoet
New Member
since 2009-09-04
Posts 7
Franklin, NH USA
2 posted 2009-09-10 11:11 PM


yeah, i find in poems that long that the rhyme starts to write the poem and clouds the original point.
midnightdreamer
Member
since 2008-02-03
Posts 309
Roy,ut
3 posted 2009-09-14 12:23 PM


i see no problem with rhyming in long poems. it was beautiful.


Def-init
Member
since 2008-12-03
Posts 186
Toronto, Canada
4 posted 2009-09-19 09:20 AM


I am enjoying this poem the more I read it.
The rhyme structure was simple but effective in this short piece. Your rhymes are getting better 'Linds'. I would suggest you work on wordplay a bit more. Not that by say that should you take it as this piece was weak. Far from it. Just a greater vocab and use of wordplay is the next step in your elevation.

- If I cant bend Heaven, I shall move Hell -

zaaclindsay
Member
since 2009-08-12
Posts 111
Ottawa Ontario
5 posted 2009-09-19 04:39 PM


i wrote this years ago.  i was more interested at the time at getting emotion out and didn't look left or right when it came to wordplay.  I meant it to be blunt, hard, and to the point.  It was more of a thought process than a piece when I wrote it.  Thank you for you comments.

zaac

I kept wondering why that frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger....and then it hit me.

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