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LoneWolf
Member
since 2001-03-10
Posts 384
IL

0 posted 2009-06-08 09:09 PM



"Abysmal Chorus”                    "Fade"
The sulnight fades                  As the past burns black    
On the edge of a distant sea   My dark heart will do
Darkness pools  beyond         And deep within my shattered mind
In to the abysmal chorus        Hope fades to dust

It's too bad I'm not as wonderful a person as people say I am, because the world could use a few people like that.

© Copyright 2009 Colin Heffernan - All Rights Reserved
fractal007
Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958

1 posted 2009-06-08 09:40 PM


Good job, Lone Wolf.  This is a style of writing I like using a lot myself.  You've pulled it off well.  The horizontal-vertical reading of the lines works well in most places.  Thanks for sharing.

Life's short.  Think hard!
Me!

Moth
Junior Member
since 2008-06-12
Posts 12

2 posted 2009-06-11 08:25 PM


I liked the approach you have taken. I can see the connection between the two poems and how ‘Fade’ is born of ‘Abysmal Chorus’.

The two free verse formats leave the reader to make the connection using imagery, and for the most part that works. There is a nice contrast with the extrospection of the first poem and introspection of the second.

My only gripe is cliché, there is a lot of it in this poem. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing if you are deconstructing or employing irony (or any form of trope), but that is not the case here. As a result the poems lack a little punch when it comes to the abstracts, but that will sort itself out the more you write, which I would encourage you to do.

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