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vampirelover
Member
since 2009-05-17
Posts 74


0 posted 2009-05-18 12:55 PM



Jáckboots sóund upón the stónes, like a chóir in the Látin Máss;
torn Tárot cárds are éverywhére, on the Níght of Bróken Gláss.
Sóldiers márching up the híll with their héads on báck to báck
make gárlands óut of bódy párts…. hárvested fróm the ráck.

Flágs are wáving éverywhére like néwsmen át some gíg,
as cloned fáces flóat upon a séa, of dead bábies ór dead twígs.
The Black Président dríves an ármoured cár, óver the éndless sánds;
why do théy forgét that hé has gót…. so much blóod upón his hánds?

The blóody mírror cán refléct ónly what éach one féels;
the rústed clóck-face is úseless nów, like a déaler wíth no whéels.
It’s áll decáying ínto dúst, like a vírgin’s sílly dréam,
and the níght drops ás a vámpire’s gówn.… so Shé can wálk unséen.

Priésts, they créep intó warm pláces, whére they shóuldn’t bé,
as chíldren dróp their blóody téars, híding from whát they seé.
The gáme is rótten tó the énd (not éven ángels wéep);
the shépherds háve betráyed them áll…. they kíll them ás they sléep.

Cóme with mé and téll me hów to read your hóly bóok;
you keép the trúth deep ín your póckets, where áll men wánt to loók.
Cán you hélp me líving, ánd teach mé how nót to áche
for the bréasts of swéet indífference that.… I néver léarned to táke.

Wár is hére foréver nów; it will súrely néver énd;
nów the mán who tákes your lífe is the mán who ís your friénd.
Bréaking bréad means nóthing; drínking wíne is júst a shów;
whére is nów the pláce of rést…. where áll the vírgins gó?

© Copyright 2009 vampirelover - All Rights Reserved
JenniferMaxwell
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Member Elite
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423

1 posted 2009-05-18 02:29 PM


A very powerful, well-written poem that's sure to make people stop and think.
vampirelover
Member
since 2009-05-17
Posts 74

2 posted 2009-05-18 03:40 PM


Thank you, Jennifer.
lynne123
New Member
since 2009-05-25
Posts 2

3 posted 2009-05-25 06:26 AM


Hi! I wish I could come up with verses like these. So well-written.

Moleskiners.com... Are You One of Us?

Ethernaut
Junior Member
since 2009-04-07
Posts 31
NT, Australia
4 posted 2009-05-26 11:52 AM


Thank you for this powerful and gripping verse. I began to read it, then had to back and sound it aloud.

The slow constant rhythm resounded deep in my gut, like a tune that shakes to the core of my very being.

Beauty can be found in all places, even within the darkness of the soul.

vampirelover
Member
since 2009-05-17
Posts 74

5 posted 2009-05-27 06:16 AM


Thank you, Lynne and Ethernaut, for your kind comments.
Suncleaver
Member
since 2009-01-18
Posts 481
Stafford England
6 posted 2009-05-28 03:39 AM


The sheer power and sophistication of this poem is unbelievable.
vampirelover
Member
since 2009-05-17
Posts 74

7 posted 2009-05-28 05:08 AM


Thank you so much, Suncleaver.
Def-init
Member
since 2008-12-03
Posts 186
Toronto, Canada
8 posted 2009-05-31 02:14 PM


"Sóldiers márching up the híll with their héads on báck to báck
make gárlands óut of bódy párts…. hárvested fróm the ráck."

Very nice. I love the wordplay used in this line as well as the rest of your poem. It is good to read some poems from new peeps. Keep em coming, Vamp.

- If I cant bend Heaven, I shall move Hell -

vampirelover
Member
since 2009-05-17
Posts 74

9 posted 2009-05-31 04:56 PM


Thanks very much,Def-init.
fractal007
Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958

10 posted 2009-06-06 10:42 PM


Wow!  I'm very impressed with your writing in this poem and it most certainly will be going into my library.

I think these are the strongest stanzas in this piece:

The blóody mírror cán refléct ónly what éach one féels;
the rústed clóck-face is úseless nów, like a déaler wíth no whéels.
It’s áll decáying ínto dúst, like a vírgin’s sílly dréam,
and the níght drops ás a vámpire’s gówn.… so Shé can wálk unséen.

Priésts, they créep intó warm pláces, whére they shóuldn’t bé,
as chíldren dróp their blóody téars, híding from whát they seé.
The gáme is rótten tó the énd (not éven ángels wéep);
the shépherds háve betráyed them áll…. they kíll them ás they sléep.


I have to admit though that I'm not too sure what you mean by the reference to a dealer with no wheels.  However, your veneer of cynicism replacing the virgin innocence is well-done.  The angles neglecting to weep is a nice touch, and the echoes of scriptural references in verses like

"the shépherds háve betráyed them áll…. they kíll them ás they sléep."

or

"It’s áll decáying ínto dúst, like a vírgin’s sílly dréam,"

are well-done.  

Thank you for a wonderful poem.  You touch upon some very serious issues with your poetry.

Life's short.  Think hard!
Me!

vampirelover
Member
since 2009-05-17
Posts 74

11 posted 2009-06-07 12:24 PM


Thank you once again, fractal. The "Dealer with no wheels" is a drugs dealer without a car.
fractal007
Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958

12 posted 2009-06-07 09:53 PM


Ah okay, thanks for the clarification.  BTW, what's with the accent marks?  I thought they might be for sounding out the meter but some of them fall on syllables I wouldn't consider stressed.....

Life's short.  Think hard!
Me!

Grimnian
New Member
since 2009-06-09
Posts 8

13 posted 2009-06-09 12:44 PM


That is brilliant. The sense of menace throughout the poem made it a disturbing read. I like poems that rhyme, and this has a really good metre.    
vampirelover
Member
since 2009-05-17
Posts 74

14 posted 2009-06-09 05:16 PM


Thank you very much, Grimnian.
Moth
Junior Member
since 2008-06-12
Posts 12

15 posted 2009-06-11 09:27 PM


I’m not entirely sure what the diacritics add to the poem, I can’t really fathom any significance as far as the content of the poem is concerned, however I applaud the aesthetic.

Poets often neglect how a poem is presented to the reader but modern poetry is as much about medium and presentation as it is style and content. I would recommend you look into ‘Cyber Poetry’ you might find it more satisfying. I’ll direct you to a cyber poem called ‘O Century’ (you will find it on youtube) it’s a good example of how cyber poetry can work.

On a technical point an ellipsis only has three periods not four. Some of the rhyming couplets are a badly forced, e.g.

Flágs are wáving éverywhére like néwsmen át some gíg,
as cloned fáces flóat upon a séa, of dead bábies ór dead twígs

There is no real association across 'gigs', ‘babies’ and ‘twigs’ other than what the poem demands, and the only thing the poem is demanding at this point is a rhyme. So the association is forced because of the internal structure of the poem and not for any thematic reason. Even if you were to cobble a reason together it would be so vague as to be irrelevant to the poem and therefore a pointless distraction. In other words it’s rhyme for the sake of rhyme and not for the sake of the poem. Similarly, why is the ‘Black President’ on ‘endless sands’, well simply because it rhymes with ‘hands’. There is no real reason for it, and therefore it is redundant imagery. If you want to make your poetry even more powerful than it is you need to sort out your rhymes.

You have a good sense of rhythm and can paint a dark picture, you have the raw skills all you need is hone and polish them and you’ll be writing some mighty stuff.  

Moth

vampirelover
Member
since 2009-05-17
Posts 74

16 posted 2009-06-12 07:21 AM


Hi Moth, Thank you for your critique. It is with some reluctance that I must say that I  disagree with you on all points! I hope I don’t seem ungrateful or aggressive, especially as you have made some kind and positive comments.

1) I found your point about the ellipsis a bit pedantic, frankly. Nonetheless, there was a reason for my doing  it. On one site where I posted some poems the fonts were so small that three dots were hardly visible, and didn’t separate clearly enough the last words of the line. I didn’t feel it necessary to alter the poems just for that.

2) You state that “there is no real association across “gigs”(sic) “babies” and “twigs”… it is rhyme for the sake of rhyme” Not so: dead babies are (in the poem) aborted babies, who are being treated as casually as dead twigs. The same applies to your statement, “why is the ‘Black President’ on ‘endless sands’, well simply because it rhymes with ‘hands’ ”. Again, not so. The Black President is Barack Obama, who is driving on endless sands because he is (in my opinion and in a certain sense) making a wasteland of America. The rhymes were carefully chosen.

3) I am aware of cyber poetry. To be honest, I am not impressed.

I try to do some “modern stuff” and some more traditional, but on the whole I tend to prefer the traditional. When poetry has neither metre nor rhyme it easily degenerates into mere doggerel. Of course, there are some outstanding examples of poetry which disprove this “rule”.

Anyway, thank you again for bothering to read and critique my poem.

dickpoetry
Member
since 2009-09-30
Posts 89

17 posted 2009-10-01 05:18 PM


Cán you hélp me líving, ánd teach mé how nót to áche
for the bréasts of swéet indífference that.… I néver léarned to táke.

my god, what wonderful lines.
you are a fantastic poet, which you already know.

The Great Ones
never sucked the breasts of indifference
o, yes, they tried, believe me they did
they tried to be like you and me
but they failed so miserably.

The great ones, so few, alone and brave.
We call them crazy, we call them odd,
we call them strangers on the job.
They work for us, you know.
They keep the mind and soul in tact.
The great ones, so few, they never bother
to look back.

dickpoetry
Member
since 2009-09-30
Posts 89

18 posted 2009-10-01 05:33 PM


vl-- just read through all the reactions to your poem. you're very kind and very generous in your responses. as for the last reaction, the one that called you out on the use of elipses-- ha, what can i say. you handled that very well. from what i can tell after being on this site for a day, you're way beyond most folks here. so, my sweet vampirelover, continue to KISS US!
vampirelover
Member
since 2009-05-17
Posts 74

19 posted 2009-10-06 05:35 PM


Thank you for your kind comments, dick poetry.
Phillip
New Member
since 2010-01-05
Posts 3
Canada
20 posted 2010-01-05 03:30 AM


"When poetry has neither metre nor rhyme it easily degenerates into mere doggerel."

A bold statement, if not a tad dogmatic. I personally think that you should keep an open mind.


I enjoyed this poem. Well written, nicely rhymed, and obviously well thought out.

Phil

[This message has been edited by Phillip (01-05-2010 04:14 AM).]

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