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nina1522
Member
since 2009-02-14
Posts 189


0 posted 2009-02-14 10:22 PM



this is my first poem. i am fifteen and have never attempted poetry before so im not sure if it is any good. please comment even if it is bad. please tell me what i can fix and may need to re-word. Thank you

unexpected black waves capsize over me
capturing me as their prisoner of isolation
pulling me down to their darkest depths,
entangling me in seaweed
tying me down to a place where
reality collides into dreams
pain smuthers happiness
weakness defeats strength.
Releasing me only to seize
me once more at my
first breathe of air

© Copyright 2009 nina1522 - All Rights Reserved
Suncleaver
Member
since 2009-01-18
Posts 481
Stafford England
1 posted 2009-02-15 05:50 AM


You misspel 'Smothers', but that's the only flaw in an otherwise excellent poem.

A quick tip Nina, whenever you want to use an adjective or adverb go for your thesaurus and look up the alternatives.

It will expand your vocabulary by hundreds of words in weeks.

Welcome to PiP.

Never sigh for a better world, it's already composed, played and told.

GothicCherry
Member
since 2008-09-16
Posts 471
TN
2 posted 2009-02-15 06:35 PM


Puttin git in a more structured form would help the reader to better understand your meanings. I'm fifteen as well, but I've been writing for a while longer lol I can't say mine is much better though.
pen&paper
Senior Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 513

3 posted 2009-02-16 11:12 AM


I still say it's excellent, especially since you just started writing. An expansion of vocab isn't especially necessary but be sure to check your spelling. I like the way you structured this, very nice.

Cierra

[This message has been edited by pen&paper (02-16-2009 12:14 PM).]

Def-init
Member
since 2008-12-03
Posts 186
Toronto, Canada
4 posted 2009-02-16 03:30 PM


Sometimes the simplest vocab can have profound meaning. Although a good read. The idea of your poem has been done many times. You seem to have skill in your poems. So keep at it.
nina1522
Member
since 2009-02-14
Posts 189

5 posted 2009-02-16 04:08 PM


GothicCherry, how would you put it in a better foramt? i just guessed where it should go.. HAHA. I have no clue how to change the lines to fit better. PLEASE help me. THANKS
nina1522
Member
since 2009-02-14
Posts 189

6 posted 2009-02-16 04:31 PM


since peopel have said my vocabulary is kind of weak i revised it (but didnt put it in a better structure).

Unheralded black waves capsize over me
capturing me as their prisoner of isolation.
Tendrils of coiling seaweed wrap around me
tying me down to a place where
reality collides into dreams
pain smothers happiness
weakness defeats strength.
Releasing me only to sieze me once more
at my first breathe of air.

Hope its better then original. THANK YOU

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