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Dark Poetry #5
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SlowlyFallAway
Member
since 2008-08-29
Posts 279
North Carolina

0 posted 2009-01-03 11:31 PM


You fight about paper thin matters
Another wasted night screaming into a jar of coins
How much money will it take to destroy your life?
Can't you see your children crying?
You lead them to believe its all about the money
And they'll grow up to your arguments about paper thin matters
That get you no where in the end
You were always more of a business than a parent

January 3rd 2009
Emily Shives

© Copyright 2009 Emily Shives - All Rights Reserved
fractal007
Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958

1 posted 2009-01-05 09:32 PM


The line breaks in this piece are placed rather oddly.  For example:


And they'll grow up to your arguments about paper thin matters
That get you no where in the end


Starting a line with "That..." makes it a little jarring.  I'm sure there's some technical smart person reason why it's bad but to me it feels odd.  

However, I liked the message of this poem.  I especially liked your final line:

"You were always more of a business than a parent"

Life's short.  Think hard!
Me!

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