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Open Poetry #43
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serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738


0 posted 2008-11-09 07:29 PM


Squealing brakes

and whining wheels

scream to me

too late

confirmed

by the thud-quick-following -

those chimes of broken glass

are mean--

melodiously tinkling--

I wonder if there's blood.


Silences are ominous.

Seconds have longevity.

I wait in darkness for the sound -

a siren's implication of

hopeful happy endings

as

the clock demands I sleep:

at once!

while summoning the ghosts.

© Copyright 2008 serenity blaze - All Rights Reserved
Marchmadness
Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 9271
So. El Monte, California
1 posted 2008-11-09 07:41 PM


We lived on the highway into Salem (Oregon) when I was little and I saw many terrible
accidents. That's an awful feeling in the pit of your stomach while you wait to see if anyone survived. You write so well about these life experiences.
                               Ida

Robert E. Jordan
Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
2 posted 2008-11-09 08:58 PM


Yo dear Serenity blaze,

This poem is very well done.  

It brings back many memories of accidents involving automobiles.  I feel fortunate that I don't have to drive much anymore.

Love Bobby

Alison
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!
3 posted 2008-11-10 12:21 PM


SB,

Your story lingers - most well written.

A

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

4 posted 2008-11-10 12:29 PM


Hmmm...

I thank you all very kindly, but I've been looking at this and I think I could do some editing?

Here, like so:

Squealing brakes

and whining wheels

scream to me

too late

confirmed

by the thud-quick-following -

those chimes of broken glass

are mean--

melodiously tinkling--

I wonder if there's blood.


Silences are ominous.

Seconds have longevity.

I wait in darkness for the sound -

a siren's implication of

hopeful happy endings

as

the clock demands I sleep."

* * *

I think that's better. I'm not sure why, but it just feels better to me.

whaddya'll think?


Roniece Dawson-Bruce
Member Ascendant
since 2000-01-29
Posts 5689
Sydney, Australia
5 posted 2008-11-10 12:41 PM


well I like both versions lovely Karen... so you can't make me choose ok!     wonderful gifting here my friend.. love and hugs  RDB xx

Be kind at heart....for everyone you meet has their own battle to fight.........

Midnitesun
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647
Gaia
6 posted 2008-11-10 12:58 PM


I like the edited version best.
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

7 posted 2008-11-10 01:17 PM


Roniece--hugs for your diplomatic generosity!

and oh my, Kacy, you do "get" my little layered scribblings. It's good to see your smiling face today. Love you, my tough stuff sis!

Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348
Florida
8 posted 2008-11-10 01:23 PM


"while summoning the ghosts"

Well, I liked that sentence but that is because I personalized it.

With that said, I did like the new version better but honestly can't say why...

love you.

"too bad ignorance isn't painful"
~Unknown~

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

9 posted 2008-11-10 01:25 PM


smile...

there's my beauty queen.

All Hail Ghostbusters!

OwlSA
Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347
Durban, South Africa
10 posted 2008-11-10 02:48 PM


Karen, I prefer the second version without the "to me" and the "at once" and the emboldened "mean", but, like Susan, I like the line about the ghosts.

All of the above (except the ghosts) seemed a little redundant to me.  

Your poem reminded me of one I have probably posted here (a long time ago) called Theatre.  I will repost it.

- Owl

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

11 posted 2008-11-10 04:16 PM


Thank you Diana, and I agree about the redundancy of "to me", the italics were used in place of quotes in the first version though...so now I'm wrinkling my nose at the entire thing, since I'm not sure how to indicate how that sound translates into the thought, "too late"--to me. I'd prolly do better to rework the whole thing though.

And I'm delighted to work in Open just as I would in Critical Analysis, so any further suggestions are more than welcome.

Love you lady--and thank you for taking your time with me.

Artic Wind
Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 8080
Realm of Supernatural
12 posted 2008-11-10 06:12 PM


OUU!! Karen, I really enjoyed this one
  ~ Good Night LOL
**giggles**


ARCTIC WIND

OwlSA
Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347
Durban, South Africa
13 posted 2008-11-11 12:21 PM


My pleasure, Karen - what about "inwardly" or something similar instead of "to me"?

- Owl

americangothic
Junior Member
since 2008-11-11
Posts 45

14 posted 2008-11-11 12:23 PM


nothing quite so awful sounding as a bad wreck..your piece had a somber tone that I liked
Alison
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Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!
15 posted 2008-11-12 10:20 PM


Hey Karen,

I preferred the second write too.  I am saving this poem.

Alison

suthern
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Member Seraphic
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723
Louisiana
16 posted 2008-11-19 03:35 PM


Edited version. *S* That line about summoning ghosts deserves its own poem. *S*

hint hint

steavenr
Member Elite
since 2003-11-17
Posts 4058

17 posted 2008-11-19 04:15 PM


I like your second version best, too.  Either one brings up reminders of horrific events...an excellent feature of good writing...as others have said, this one is a keeper...
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
18 posted 2008-11-19 07:56 PM


When one edits good stuff, then the reader really has to listen.

I listened.

Yes.






Oklahoma Rose
Senior Member
since 2008-02-28
Posts 1586
Oklahoma USA
19 posted 2008-11-19 08:57 PM


I think I like the second version best, also. But, you always write well.
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