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Open Poetry #43
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steavenr
Member Elite
since 2003-11-17
Posts 4058


0 posted 2008-10-19 09:18 PM



Rippled mantle like a cobble-stoned lane
Meand'ring softly as a wand'ring child
Stepping gently, crossing slowly once again
Revealing currents scattered deep and wild

Reigning in a kingdom of fostered showers
Billows rise like zeppelin clouds of ease
Coaxing daisies like dawdling flowers
Fresh to life's incessant breeze

Filtered breaths of windswept air
Clothed in day-mist's soft unfurling
Changing scene-pools of soft despair
Leaves aloft and swiftly swirling

Comes the rain in fevered splendor
Comes the rain in fervent wonder

And the soul rests in complete surrender

© Copyright 2008 Steaven R Snow - All Rights Reserved
Robert E. Jordan
Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
1 posted 2008-10-19 09:51 PM


Yo Steavenr,

This makes decent use of poetic sentence fragments.

Bobby

Callista
Member
since 2008-10-05
Posts 63
USA
2 posted 2008-10-19 11:08 PM


I enjoyed this. Lovely use of language. In response to your request for constructive criticism, I would like the use of "mild" words like meandering softly, gently billowing, etc. to change (build?) to the more powerful weather insinuated.


Marchmadness
Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 9271
So. El Monte, California
3 posted 2008-10-19 11:38 PM


Enjoyed Steaven, can't wait for the rain.
                                  Ida

steavenr
Member Elite
since 2003-11-17
Posts 4058

4 posted 2008-10-20 12:08 PM


Bobby,
thank you...I promise I will use up whole sentences in the near future...appreciate you taking the time to read and comment

Callista,
you are dead on...I changed the title twice and some of the words several times to keep the idea of a gentle rain...sorry if I left traces of my confliction, but congrats on an excellent eye in noticing them...oh, and welcome to PiP since I don't think I've welcomed you yet

Ida,
thank you kindly...sounds like a great title for something..."can't wait for the rain"

BluesSerenade
Member Patricius
since 2001-10-23
Posts 10549
By the Seaside
5 posted 2008-10-20 08:31 PM


Wasn't it you who said you wanted to highlight every word??  
Ditto, dude!!  But if I must, since you made me do it...

Reigning in a kingdom of fostered showers
Billows rise like zeppelin clouds of ease
Coaxing daisies like dawdling flowers
Fresh to life's incessant breeze


Just beautiful, steaven~
This is brilliant and I am in awe!!

Bill Charles
Member Patricius
since 2000-07-11
Posts 10619
highways, & byways, for now
6 posted 2008-10-20 08:37 PM


steavenr - after reading the replies there's not much more I can say except your words are most intriguing. Nice write...

BC

steavenr
Member Elite
since 2003-11-17
Posts 4058

7 posted 2008-10-20 09:08 PM


Blues,
well, thank you, thank you, thank you...and thanks for noticing my favorite lines (not always that someone notices my favorites)...your words are exceptionally kind

Bill,
high praise from you, dear sir...I am truly humbled

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