»
Archives
»
Open Poetry #43
»
Lake Elmo Avenue
| Open Poetry #43 |
|
Lake Elmo Avenue |
|
|
viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. 
|
blue ballrooms big dark dresses flowing in the wind one’s fluffy like an upside down cupcake formed to a lightbulb nice and round like the top of an umbrella it makes me think of her wearing white gloves with a feather from a peacock in the back of her tightly drawn back hair a bun her pretty face her eyes are shaped a little like large almonds and the way she opens her mouth so that you can see her teeth when she’s laughing when I tell her the joke about how bad I am at dancing especially in this funny suit that has little tails in this big bright blue and golden ballroom twirling in circles I can’t help it I guess her lips are just shaped like perfection and embody everything I remember I wish I wouldn’t have kissed her that night when she was drunk and I wasn’t on the gravel road by my car towards the early morning hours so that maybe she would have actually kissed me during a time of sobriety and maybe we could have fallen in love I guess I’ll never know now because she doesn’t have the time and I’m hard pressed to find the time to stop and take a deep breath and stroll like I told her to do before I tried to teach her and I think it worked for a while and she started to fall for me and I loved to talk to her at night but now I can’t because she’s moved on and has probably changed so much she wouldn’t even recognize me unless I could just give her a big hug and smell the way her hair smells in the few few so very few hugs she had given me in our short highschool career then maybe she’d remember enough to get a cup of coffee with me and laugh enough to spark an ignition of chemical reactions that would maybe tell her to go on a few more dates with the guy that doesn’t really like coffee that much and has really got his life down pat and sometimes on the long drive home from training in Bloomington with the crew of guys on Mondays and Thursdays he thinks of her every time he goes past lake elmo avenue where he kissed her or sees somebody strolling like they did once. [This message has been edited by viking_metal (09-10-2008 09:34 AM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2008 Paul Weisbrod - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
ThisDiamond Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353Michigan, USA |
You have some great lines here. Might I suggest a simpler format, to assist the reader? The ongoing lines lose their potency, and when I paused at the natural exhales, it was a wonderful experience to read your work.  |
||
|
Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Yo Viking_metal, This is an interesting stream of consciousness write. The only thing I'd change is to start the sentence with a cap--like "Blue". Bobby |
||
|
viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
Thanks guys... My thoughts were to try and warp THAT stream of conciousness into a poem.... but I'm having an extremely tough time with it.... Thanks again! -P |
||
|
soul drifter Senior Member
since 2004-09-08
Posts 711Colorado |
wow, in many places, it reminded me of someone and my experience with them. Brought back lots of memories and even more regrets. I would suggest maybe spacing it out a little, not so much a run on sentence-type of thing. Believe me, I used to write like this back when I was just starting, almost 7 years ago. I since tried different formats and got a lot better. But it's all up to you. I loved what you wrote here, just don't lose your reader or put them off by one big continuous paragraph. Structure is everything, I've learned. What you have to say is great, though. Look forward to more. "Now if I seem to be afraid |
||
|
Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Yo Viking_Metel, Relax Babe. Stick with stream of conciousness, there's more money in it. Look at James Joyce and his Ulysses. Bobby |
||
|
viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
soul drifter... Thanks very much, kind sir or miss. I had to get all this monkey business out of my system sometime. Robert- I'm very much a man. Haha! I like stream of consciousness, but I feel that this would be more effective if plopped and chopped into a poem, of sorts. I'd keep this original, of course.... -Paul |
||
|
viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
She wore jeans with holes in them, And sometimes volleyball shorts. Teeth, slightly crooked, In the best way possible. Eyes a bit like almonds, Bright like a midnights firefly. A mouth that I’d live inside Because my doors would be French, and perfect. This was a total journal write... but it's about the same girl. Figured you guys might want to get to know Sadie a little better. |
||
|
ThisDiamond Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353Michigan, USA |
Neat |
||
|
viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
Haha thanks. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
