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xxvampirecmxx
New Member

since 2008-08-31

Posts 6
new york

0 posted 2008-09-01 12:18 PM

       waiting for him <3

       wanting,
       craving,
       to be held,
       to be kissed,
       to feel love,
       to hear your heart beat with mine,
       wishing,
       hoping,
       dreaming,
       that all my dreams will come true,
       dreaming of passionate lustful desires,
       of his soft lips,
       warm embrace,
       romantic days and nights with you,
       waiting for you

CC

SkaaDee
Member

since 2008-04-07

Posts 116
Canada

1 posted 2008-09-01 12:51 PM

Hi

Welcome.

I can feel the passion in your poem
That is a good thing.

when it comes to lines like

" that all my dreams will come true,"

I would like to know something more personal.

like perhaps

"you would discover that I talk in colour but dream in black and white"

or

"you would discover that I need a hug before dawn"

something fresh.

thanks

TheAnonDavid
Member

since 2008-08-28

Posts 237
UK

2 posted 2008-09-01 08:09 AM

Hi

SkaaDee has given you some very sound advice.
Your poem is perfectly fine but you should try to make it stand out.
For instance, you mentioned a "warm embrace" but how would it feel? Would it be like a soft fleecy blanket? A favourite overcoat? As a mother holds her child? Like walking into a warm house out of a snowstorm? Would it be like stepping into the sun out of the shadows? You want to be there; describe it so we know.
Best wishes for your future poems - as I am sure you will be writing more.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

3 posted 2008-09-04 03:45 PM

Hello, and Welcome to Passions in Poetry. I note you don't have your critique button on, so I won't leave anything but well wishes and I look forward to reading more of your work.

Also, please check your email for a
Very Special Greeting!

" It matters not this distance now " Excerpt, Yesterday's Love
~*~
KRJ

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

4 posted 2008-09-05 11:41 PM

Welcome to PIP!

I love this, I feel this way sometimes about my man even when I'm sitting right beside him

Enjoyed

and then He created the horse...

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