navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #43 » My Existence
Open Poetry #43
Post A Reply Post New Topic My Existence Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
Veni Mortem
Junior Member
since 2008-07-31
Posts 43


0 posted 2008-07-31 02:53 PM


Lovely black meadows and synthetic nostalgia  
I show like a denizen, but I’m choking on air
The lilac sky is blooming, birthing fell oppression
And fascination has become the bars of my cage
My relief comes from slowly peeling off my incised face
I’m losing life but the pain pushes me forward
I’ve found that it’s all about the pain in the end
All that surrounds me is the filching of silence
A world of indulgence and latex imagination
And I try to ignore your unintended dissonance,
But I can’t sustain my countenance forever
Eventually something has to give…
This derision has never been pleasurable
I’m aware that you don’t understand me at all
Yet I’m not about to explain myself to you, either
My pain is for me, and for me alone; you can get your own
My body is worsening, but at least it’s still stable enough
To see that the world is going insane again
Stitches work fine for me and my kind,
But there’s nothing that works to repair your minds
And you all look so very elegant in your ignorance
Still, my flesh taste better than yours
I can tell you’re a dissident, but you’ve never even tried
Ah, I may be dying but at least I am fulfilled
Yes, I may be dying but I can smell your tears from here
No one will miss me, but I’m not like you anyway
And when I end, the world will die with me
As I close my eyes the world will vanish with me
Any regrets? Have you any last words before I die?
Any remorse? Have you any last wish before we die?
Then let us march into the void, very well
Any chance of turning back is well gone
Let us cheer as we slowly fade away


© Copyright 2008 Veni Mortem - All Rights Reserved
Robert E. Jordan
Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
1 posted 2008-07-31 03:06 PM


Yo Veni Mortem,

This needs more simplicity, and some strophe breaks.

Check out some of the other poems posted here, you might see what I mean.

Bobby

XOx Uriah xOX
Senior Member
since 2006-02-11
Posts 1403
Virginia
2 posted 2008-07-31 05:08 PM


Veni Mortem,

Welcome to PiP    

Ah  So many lines speak to me...

this...   "synthetic nostalgia"

and this... "fascination has become the bars of my cage"

and this..."My pain is for me, and for me alone; you can get your own"

and this..."Still, my flesh taste better than yours"

and especially..."And when I end, the world will die with me
As I close my eyes the world will vanish with me"

"Then let us march into the void, very well
Any chance of turning back is well gone
Let us cheer as we slowly fade away"

::smiles::    

I look forward to reading more of your work.  

amusemi
Senior Member
since 2001-12-08
Posts 1262
A State of Disarray
3 posted 2008-07-31 08:47 PM


This touches the soul in so many painful ways.  BTW...I am envious of your "lilac sky".  I wish my muse had given me that!!!  LOL  Great write.
Veni Mortem
Junior Member
since 2008-07-31
Posts 43

4 posted 2008-07-31 09:07 PM


Robert- I'm thankful for your advice but this poem is precisely the way I intended it to be. ^_^ Thank you for commenting, though. ^^

Uriah- Thank you for the welcome. ^^ I'm glad you enjoyed it!

amusemi- Thank you. ^^
Lol, I was grateful for "lilac sky" myself. ^_^;

[This message has been edited by Veni Mortem (07-31-2008 10:16 PM).]

Ada'Do'Lis'Do'Ti
Junior Member
since 2006-07-04
Posts 24
germany
5 posted 2008-07-31 11:39 PM


this piece is touching, a declaration of sorts, I enjoyed this. I know it will be on my mind for the rest of this day. Thank's for sharing a wonderful poem

Everyday I see a sunrise is a blessing, Every night I see the moon rise is a miracle.

Roniece Dawson-Bruce
Member Ascendant
since 2000-01-29
Posts 5689
Sydney, Australia
6 posted 2008-08-01 02:52 AM


Oh my goodness!! This is wonderful in all its complexity and beautiful expression... welcome to our pages blue - I hope to read much more of you... welcome again.. love RDB

Be kind at heart....for everyone you meet has their own battle to fight.........

Kaoru
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2003-06-07
Posts 3892
where the wild flowers grow
7 posted 2008-08-02 08:56 PM


"Yes, I may be dying but I can smell your tears from here"

Um, wow..what a magnanimous first post! Your writing is lovely, really.

Welcome to PIP and please, enjoy!

Veni Mortem
Junior Member
since 2008-07-31
Posts 43

8 posted 2008-08-02 11:32 PM


Thank you so much, everyone. ^^
XOx Uriah xOX
Senior Member
since 2006-02-11
Posts 1403
Virginia
9 posted 2008-08-04 04:08 PM


bump    ::smiles::
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

10 posted 2008-08-04 04:38 PM


grin

Thank you Uriah. (Veni? He knows I'm lazy.)

the very first line you had me, seriously.

Mixing descriptions of a concrete noun and abstract are not difficult, but difficult to do well enough to achieve my asbolute favorite medium description of "surrealism" is another story. String it together? You hook me!

I really could go through this line by line...but I am> lazy.

(choking on air) nod...I think you know that could have had a fresher slant, but tsk...I am critiquing you with no flag on!



I loved your "latex imagination"

(the stuff comes in "brush on" yanno)


and the attitude shown in this, the pure confidence:

"I’m aware that you don’t understand me at all
Yet I’m not about to explain myself to you, either"

I like this very much. But we're friends now, right?

I think a little format would help with impact--the eye of this reader got lost a bit in the tightly skewered lines, but I did enjoy the honesty and freedom of the way you wrote this....with no thought of pleasing anyone, not even yourself--

just pure release.

I'm kind of a fan of Jackson Pollack, and pixillated wordings as well.



interesting....

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
11 posted 2008-08-04 04:43 PM


What a very intriguing poem! I'm going to
be looking for more from you, that's for
sure.

Welcome to Passions!

Please, check your email for a
Very Special Greeting!

" It matters not this distance now  " Excerpt, Yesterday's Love
~*~
KRJ

Veni Mortem
Junior Member
since 2008-07-31
Posts 43

12 posted 2008-08-05 10:22 AM


Uriah- Thank you for the bump! *waves*

Serenity- Thank you so much. ^^
*nods nods* I agree that it would be easier to read if it were separated in places, but I'm glad you understand why it's written the way it is and why I wouldn't want to change it. ^_^;

Lol, brush on latex imagination! XD

Sunshine- Thank you! ^^ And thank you for the card, too! ^_^

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #43 » My Existence

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary