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Open Poetry #42
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2nd and True
| Open Poetry #42 |
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2nd and True |
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graeshine2006 Member
since 2008-06-03
Posts 368The Prairie Lands, USA 
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There they stood, at the corner of 2nd and True. He wore a black coat, she wore a blue. Wind whipped her gold hair causing strands to dance, She swiped them away while he stole a glance. He noticed her hands; young and worked, yet so gentle. He could not help feeling a bit sentimental. Her thoughts were of bills she couldn’t pay. But she smiled at him; for that was her way. His hand clutched a cane for old age had set in, Her smile made him tremble but he managed a grin. The gentlemen in black looked at the woman in blue, And saw his dead wife when their love was just new. He knew it was fate the woman in blue stood right here, For his memory was fading of his Mary so dear. The woman spoke casually; said, “This weather’s so bad.” And couldn’t help but notice the man looked like her dad. He laughed his old laugh: “Yes, but at least there’s no rain.” And his voice caused her happiness mixed with some pain. Daddy’s cancer had taken him just one month before. And she longed to see him just once more. The woman in the blue coat and the man in the black Went different ways yet both had looked back. |
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| © Copyright 2008 Debra Grae - All Rights Reserved | |||
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graeshine2006 Member
since 2008-06-03
Posts 368The Prairie Lands, USA |
Hi all - I can't get much out of critical analysis, so let me have it!!! Rhyme, meter, all that technical stuff, that I don't have and ear/eye for yet! Thanks. |
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Topheth Member
since 2001-09-08
Posts 297Texas |
Wow... it certainly evoked memories and a response with me. Yes, a few lines seem to 'go off' for me and lose my ear, but I'm sure that can be easily remedied. Again, quite enjoyed! "You inspire; I desire – and refrain; you sustain." |
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graeshine2006 Member
since 2008-06-03
Posts 368The Prairie Lands, USA |
What lines? What lines? Really, I want to know! Thanks for the response, Topheth. |
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Richy Member Elite
since 2003-05-03
Posts 3050 |
2nd (street) Second time around? True (street) Making the story more actual than fictional perhaps? Nice! The corner of these two streets… classic, me likey A well told story of loss of a loved one, that perhaps, comes back to say goodbye? The man in black, coming back to see his daughter, seeing her as her mother, when her mother was quite younger. The weather’s so bad. The time is so bad? Yes, but at least there’s no rain. Yes, but at least their’s no more pain, or is it tears? Very complex write here Deb. You keep it up okay. You have the makings of a very talented writer. Wonderful job here! Rich |
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Marchmadness Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 9271So. El Monte, California |
What a beautiful, sentimental offering, Debra. I lost my daughter to cancer and know how it is to miss someone and to be reminded of them. Ida |
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graeshine2006 Member
since 2008-06-03
Posts 368The Prairie Lands, USA |
Thanks so much. Richy - I wish I was that smart.... ahhh, heck, who knows, maybe I'm am, it's just buried deep!  Ida - so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine. This was supposed to be a story of fleeting love, "what ifs", in a chance meeting... it didn't want to be that, I guess, and that is good, for it's a better love story this way. |
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A Romantic Heart Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-03
Posts 5496Forever In Your Heart |
well I enjoyed it, the title, the story within, all of it was great! |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I've read this many times... I even thought I responded... it reminded me of another time... and a Chicago moment. Thank you, sweetheart, for helping bring back a true moment. |
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FastForward Member
since 2008-06-29
Posts 66 |
The best the best the BEST yet! I'm new here, but absolutely think this is such a great write. It moves easily. It has bittersweet emotion. It is a path that presented itself for the sheer benefit of each, and was satisfying in ways neither party will ever know. Oh I love this! |
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LindsayP Member Elite
since 2007-07-28
Posts 3410Australia, Victoria |
Debra, that is a beautiful poem and I congratulate you for writing such a heart touching post. There are two lines that I would change slightly seeing as you have asked for critique. In the line where you state He knew it was fate the woman in blue stood right here For his memory was fading of his Mary so dear He knew it was fate, she was standing right here For his memory was fading of his Mary so dear. And the other line was. Daddy's cancer had taken him just one month before And she longed to see him one single time more. That in my humble opinion improves the rhythm of this brillian poem. Keep up the good work Debra for I know you will have a lot of admirers of your writing. A big hug my dear. Lindsay |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
A lovely poem, Debby - my favourite of yours, so far. The couplets of the format balanced many aspects of "two" in the poem - for example, the theme of the two people each with their own view of the scene. Also the story line was riveting. As far as rhythm goes, it should flow. The basic unit of rhythm is called a foot and (usually) has one accented syllable. If you think of TUM as accented and ta as not accented, then the following lines have 4 feet (beats) each (and so those lines are called tetrameters): His HAND clutched a CANE for old AGE had set IN, Her SMILE made him TREM-ble but he MAN-aged a GRIN. These 2 lines flow. Read them aloud and you will hear it. Translated into ta-tums, your above lines would be: ta-TUM ta-ta-TUM ta-ta-TUM ta-ta-TUM ta-TUM ta-ta-TUM ta-ta-ta-TUM ta-ta-TUM ta-TUM is an iambic foot ta-ta-TUM is an anapestic foot The first line of the poem doesn't really flow. The second line would flow better with an "and" in the middle, but because there is a pause at the comma, it is acceptable without the "and" because that unaccented "and" is replaced by the pause. To hear the rhythm of a poem, read it aloud in a TUM-ta-TUM way (over-emphasising the beats), but then read it aloud again without overemphasizing it, to get the right effect of the poem. - Owl |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
Just another quick example of improving the rhythm would be in your lines: Her thoughts were of bills she couldn’t pay. But she smiled at him; for that was her way. to change it to Her THOUGHTS were of BILLS that SHE couldn't PAY, but she SMILED at him KIND-ly for THAT was her WAY. ta-TUM ta-ta-TUM ta-TUM ta-ta-TUM ta-ta-TUM ta-ta-TUM ta-ta-TUM ta-ta-TUM - Owl |
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graeshine2006 Member
since 2008-06-03
Posts 368The Prairie Lands, USA |
Thank you thank you thank you !!! Everybody that helped with the rhyme... THANK YOU! I will heed your advise soon, and edit soon, I promise! |
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jwesley Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563Spring, Texas |
Nicely done, my friend...me and rhyming don't get along so can't help you there. j. |
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XGarapanX Senior Member
since 2008-06-19
Posts 1435Antarctica |
I are intellijint cuz I haved a 9th grad edumacation. All joking side, that's literally true, lol! No technical analysis coming from this homey. I barely understand the words I speak or how they manage to come together. But if anything looks odd I'll squint real hard and make funny noises like I do with my poems. ·´~`·»Garapan«·´~`· |
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The Lady Member Rara Avis
since 2005-12-26
Posts 7634The Southwest |
I can't rhyme and I don't do time but I know what I like when I like it I like it! |
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