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Open Poetry #42

Baby Blue Eyes

The Shadow in Blue
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 493
EL, Michigan

0 posted 2008-05-19 05:14 PM

Blue eyes twitch
and muscles flinch
as I chase down my fears
with an indignant scoff
and proud,stoic walk

Yet...still lingering with a sigh
behind a well constructed lie
I withdraw my fears
back into the bank-
my mind and heart's meeting place

Yet by and by
I've overwithdrawn,
shorn of my strength
and the teller cuts me off
leaving me with...

...Nothing at all
nada
ziltch...
just a
shattered resolve

Overwhelming my spirit
and now depleted strength
as I valiently bustle to my
private alcove, silently breaking
into fragments of disarray

Robert E. Jordan
Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-25

Posts 8541
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

1 posted 2008-05-19 10:41 PM

The Shadow in Blue,

This is rather good. It would be better with some periods, to end the thoughts.

Bobby

shyvl
Senior Member

since 2008-04-11

Posts 531
texas, usa

2 posted 2008-05-19 11:23 PM

Tells an mind's eye tale with well used phrasing. Thanks for sharing
sharyn

"God made you as you are
in order to use you
as He planned" J.C. Macauley

The Shadow in Blue
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 493
EL, Michigan

3 posted 2008-05-21 08:26 PM

REWRITE

Blue eyes twitch
and muscles flinch,
as I chase down my fears
with an indignant scoff
and proud,stoic walk.

Yet...still lingering with a sigh,
behind a well constructed lie,
I withdraw my fears
back into the bank-
my mind and heart's meeting place.

Yet by and by
I've overwithdrawn,
shorn of my strength
and the teller cuts me off.
leaving me with...

...Nothing at all
nada
ziltch...
just a
shattered resolve

Overwhelming my spirit,
and now depleted strength,
I now valiently bustle to my
private alcove-silently breaking
into fragments of disarray

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