I Can Never Be the Same Person I Once Was.

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Larrysmom
Senior Member

since 2008-04-03

Posts 533
Florida, USA

0 posted 2008-04-30 08:24 PM

5/10/07

I can never be the same person I once was.

You are half of my reasons.
You are half of my passion.
You are half of my life.

Your little brother is the other half.

There is a frozen place deep inside, dark and void.
A waste land, where fire burns cold…. Is that a contradiction?

The mind wonders, confusion takes control.
Now is then and then tomorrow.

Wake up? Move ahead? No sure footing.

How?

Why?

Anguish, anger, love and hope.
It’s all mixed up.

For him I must…
for you I will…
somehow… somehow.

In moments of memory…
music of past…
images of love,
it comes and takes control.
It shreds apart and consumes the very essence.

Hate for the world around.
Love for the life that still abounds.

I can never be the same person I once was.

I will just learn to live with it.

[This message has been edited by Larrysmom (04-30-2008 10:09 PM).]

Robert E. Jordan
Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-25

Posts 8541
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

1 posted 2008-04-30 08:56 PM

Dear Tammy Brown,

This is very well thought out, and composed. You do very good work. I like what you have here.

Love Bobby

Larrysmom
Senior Member

since 2008-04-03

Posts 533
Florida, USA

2 posted 2008-04-30 09:04 PM

Thanks Bobby! That means a lot coming from you.

As you can see by the date, I wrote this 4 weeks after Larry died. I was sitting on the couch and all of a sudden I got so damn ANGRY that I had to get up and I went into the kitchen and I could see myself literally picking up things and putting them through the walls. I almost couldn’t control myself but I kept thinking that Darrin (Larry’s little brother) didn’t need to see me throw a destructive fit and freak out like that so instead I grabbed my laptop and through sobs I tapped this out. The only thing I have changed is the layout of it…

Thank you again for the awesome critique! You’ve made me smile!

Tammy<333

[This message has been edited by Larrysmom (04-30-2008 10:06 PM).]

Robert E. Jordan
Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-25

Posts 8541
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

3 posted 2008-04-30 09:51 PM

Tammy,

Please don't let your Darrin ever see anything like that.

Bobby

steavenr
Member Elite

since 2003-11-17

Posts 4058

4 posted 2008-04-30 10:12 PM

you moved me through so many emotions in this write...how can one not love that in a work? From the title (for which I felt sadness) to the movement of the lines (which brought me through understanding and compassion) to the inspiration for your write (which caused me find great admiration for your inner strength) to the ending of your write (which left me with great hope) Thank you for sharing...

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean

since 2002-08-27

Posts 40215
Realms of Light

5 posted 2008-04-30 10:21 PM

Oh, Tammy, the strength it must have taken to not vent your anger physically, in order to spare Darrin from seeing his Mom lose it.

Instead, you chose to sublimate and channeled your pain and frustration into a compelling piece of writing.

Loving, compassionate hug,
Linda

Larrysmom
Senior Member

since 2008-04-03

Posts 533
Florida, USA

6 posted 2008-04-30 10:37 PM

Thank you so much Steaven…

Your thoughts mean the world to me. I get so hung up on the fact that I’m always so unsure of my writing ability with respect to grammar, punctuation, form and all the technicalities that I tend to think of my writings as nothing more than my own ramblings… Thank you again for giving of your time to read it and for sharing your thoughts on it.

Tammy<333

Larrysmom
Senior Member

since 2008-04-03

Posts 533
Florida, USA

7 posted 2008-04-30 10:48 PM

Thank you so much Linda…

It was really hard at the time. I was soooooo filled with hate and anger towards the world for taking Larry from me that I just wanted to lash and strike out. But I knew that if I allowed myself to do so at that moment it would have been really bad and I just kept seeing Darrin’s little face looking at me in fear. He was dealing with so much of his own pain and devastation at the time… Larry was the world to Darrin and to lose him was enough for an 8 year old to bear at the time. He surly didn’t need to witness his mom go insane.

Tammy<333

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

8 posted 2008-04-30 11:09 PM

Thanks for sharing...you have expressed your pain so honestly and openly...James

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean

since 2002-08-27

Posts 40215
Realms of Light

9 posted 2008-04-30 11:22 PM

Tammy, you're an amazing woman! ~ and poetess!

Loving hug,
Linda

Alison

Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

10 posted 2008-04-30 11:24 PM

Tammy<333,

You write of raw emotion. I remember when my brother died - the cries were deep and harsh. They are again. I am glad that you share what you do. You are showing that you can love and mourn - and not lose what remains in your life.

Does that make sense?

Alison

Larrysmom
Senior Member

since 2008-04-03

Posts 533
Florida, USA

11 posted 2008-04-30 11:44 PM

Linda! You called me a poet…

Thank you my dear friend.

Tammy<333

----------------------------

Yes Alison, that makes perfect sense.

Thank you my friend.

Tammy<333

Honeybunch
Member Rara Avis

since 2001-12-29

Posts 7115
South Africa

12 posted 2008-05-01 01:14 PM

Tammy - yes, a heartbreaking write so well understood. I must agree that you'll never be the same person you were but venture to suggest that you'll be better than you were. It's always a hard process becoming better and I'm just so very sorry for the circumstances surrounding that process. You will grow from strength to strength but don't forget to be kind to yourself.

Hugs
Helen

Larrysmom
Senior Member

since 2008-04-03

Posts 533
Florida, USA

13 posted 2008-05-01 06:28 PM

James,

I’m sorry, we must have cross posted last night and I missed yours…

Thank you so very much for giving of your time to read and comment on it. It means the world to me…

Tammy<333

-------------------------------------

Helen,

Thank you my friend… for your kind and caring words.

Tammy<333

Marchmadness
Member Rara Avis

since 2007-09-16

Posts 9271
So. El Monte, California

14 posted 2008-05-02 01:51 AM

I have certainly been to that dark place you speak of Tammy and I feel for you.
There is really not much I can say to comfort you other than to say I understand your pain. And yes, you are very definitely "a poet."
Ida

gilead
Senior Member

since 2008-03-10

Posts 1067
nevada, USA

15 posted 2008-05-02 10:16 AM

It is so true that you can never be the same again. But you must try to leave it to the memory of your unspeakable loss of a beloved son, to be better in life for him. It is good that you are writing about your deepest love and pain, and it is good that you write so well!

My best wishes for you,

Art

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

16 posted 2008-05-02 12:30 PM

peppermint35
Senior Member

since 2000-05-28

Posts 1106
Texas, USA

17 posted 2008-05-02 03:58 PM

so many stages; and it's not like you go through them in any kind of order; it's disbelief, anger, denial, and on and on, running the gamut through you until you're exhausted.

You do well to vent your feelings with your writing and you express them well.

Blessings always

Pepper
"Somewhere, somehow, it should be possible to touch someone and never let go again. To hold someone, not for a moment but forever." Unknown

gilead
Senior Member

since 2008-03-10

Posts 1067
nevada, USA

18 posted 2008-05-02 04:15 PM

Thanks, passing shadows, for catching my "your him"! Your comment without words served both me and larrysmom. That is being nice!

Art

shyvl
Senior Member

since 2008-04-11

Posts 531
texas, usa

19 posted 2008-05-02 04:21 PM

You express your anger and grief very well. Your style is uniquely your own- definately a poet. Thank you for sharing your pain in a way others can learn from.
Sharyn

Larrysmom
Senior Member

since 2008-04-03

Posts 533
Florida, USA

20 posted 2008-05-02 06:03 PM

Ida my dear friend, thank you so very much for letting me know I am not alone in these thoughts and feelings… it does help.

--------------------------------

Art, thank you so much for your kinds an caring words my friend. I am trying hard to be better in life for him…

--------------------------------

Thank you for the much needed hugs passing shadows… They are most appreciated.

--------------------------------

Pepper, yes, so many feelings and stages and they all fight each other sometimes to be expressed… They are very tiring sometimes. Thank you for your kind and caring words. They mean more than you could know.

Tammy<333

Roniece Dawson-Bruce
Member Ascendant

since 2000-01-29

Posts 5689
Sydney, Australia

21 posted 2008-05-05 08:27 AM

Tammy... I just want you know your writings are beautifully expressed for your precious son ... I have plenty of hugs to go around... love RDB xx

Be kind at heart....for everyone you meet has their own battle to fight.........

Margherita
Member Seraphic

since 2003-02-08

Posts 22236
Eternity

22 posted 2008-05-06 12:04 PM

Dear Tammy, the emotions come through so powerfully in your heartwrenching poem, it hurts so much.

No, you will never be the same, but you will overcome the total helplessness, your heart has immense love potential and love heals.

All my love to you ((((Tammy)))).
Margherita

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