»
Archives
»
Open Poetry #42
»
Angelo Caught In The Act
| Open Poetry #42 |
|
Angelo Caught In The Act |
|
|
Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 
|
Angelo’s in middle school. He’s with his pals shooting craps for pennies in the boy’s room. Little Titus comes in, stands at a urinal, takes a leek, and leaves. In a few minutes time, the door bursts open, and in walks the principal. He nabs the miscreants in the act, and hauls them down to his office. He calls all the parents involved, lets them know how their kids are misusing school property for illicit activities. Quite naturally, and needless to say, the parents pretend to be horrified. They promise instant disciplinary actions, of a various, and violent nature. After school lets out Angelo and his fellow criminals corner Titus in an alley, and teach him a lesson not soon forgotten. Bobby [This message has been edited by Robert E. Jordan (05-01-2008 07:20 PM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2008 Robert E. Jordan - All Rights Reserved | |||
Joyce Johnson
since 2001-03-10
Posts 9912Washington State |
Angelo doesn't seem as forgiving as Felix. Joyce |
||
|
Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Thanks Dear Joyce, There are some things that you have to do. Bobby |
||
|
r v wooo Senior Member
since 2007-08-07
Posts 656 |
bobby, help me with my lack of understanding. from the senario you described and my experiences with adolescent behavior, the beating of little titus gives insight into the future of "big" angelo. for every big angelo, in the world, there are a 100 little "tight asses" that will one day have their revenge. "butt", in their little minds, they will call it, "justice"! and what i see as a sad reality, in this brainless existence, is the mindless world around them will agree that revenge is justice...in my way of thinking, that (revenge) is the real sickness engulfing society. |
||
|
gilead Senior Member
since 2008-03-10
Posts 1067nevada, USA |
I sometimes wonder, rv wooo, if what we call justice is just revenge under a more acceptable guise. There is a Bible verse that says: "Vengeance is mine, I will repay says the Lord." It seems that some people will say, that's okay, but I'm going to be God's agent! I don't mean to demean the serious question you raise. Anyway, Bobby, I enjoyed the poem as it brings memories of boyhood---learning the good and the bad. Art |
||
|
Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Bobby, You write fluently and well. Being able to do so prolifically is a special thing indeed. I suspect working at it helps. I wanted to offer some feedback, hopefully useful. They promise instant disciplinary actions, With the line above I don't want to talk formal metrics, because that's not your framework here, but I do want to talk about free verse line breaks. I think this line really ends after the word "instant." My reason for this is that the following word, "disciplinary," provides a whole mouthful of rubber bands to chew over, and perhaps the need for a new breath for some of us; it essentially brings the momentum of "They promise Instant" to a complete halt. Bringing it over to the next line seems to kick start the next line with an initial accent. The word "actions," following the five syllables with two, seems to snap the line closed more definitively. After school lets out Angelo and his fellow criminals corner rat-fink Titus in an alley, and teach him a lesson he’ll not soon forget. I don't think this last stanza feels right. You've gotten Titus down cold earlier: Titus leaves, enter principal. Nobody needs to be a lawyer in the bunch except maybe Titus, when he grows up. To call him a "rat-fink" seems over-kill. Your position as Angelo's dad might make it somehow more understandable, as would your tacit approval of the lesson being gently applied, but the nature of these role distinctions and your discomfort with them makes it difficult for you to be able to do this. Are you here a fairly objective writer, a sympathetic dad, a guy who doesn't like smarmy little jerks? Any of these stances isn't a good fit with your stance in this poem and in others as a wry, touched but somehow above it all speaker. Better to think about taking one word out. After school lets out Angelo and his fellow criminals corner rat-fink Titus in an alley, and teach him a lesson he’ll not soon forget. And again, in the final line, I'd like to call your attention to an option you may well have already discarded. If so, please pardon me. If the last line is "not soon forgotten,"you'll have been able to finish with the same sense plus a half-rhyme, which always helps give a little extra power to the sense of closure. Hope I've been able to offer some decent feedback for you. Yours, BobK. |
||
|
Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
R. V. Wooo, Now let me see if I have this straight. Titus is going to grow up and take Angelo to court. I hope all the people that I beat on as a kid aren’t going to do that to me. You do raise an interesting possibility for me though. As I was beat up quite a number of times when I was young. Hmmmmmm Bobby |
||
|
Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Art, I'm pleased that this brought back some hopefully pleasant or at least interesting memories back to you. Bobby |
||
|
Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Thanks Bob K, In this one I’m Angelo. Angelo just happens to be Felix’s son in the book. There is no line break in the first instance you mention, as it is a complete thought. I like complete thoughts. I’m still trying to figure out why you have mentioned the strophe that was your second concern twice. I’m afraid I just don’t follow what you are driving at. Bobby |
||
|
Roniece Dawson-Bruce Member Ascendant
since 2000-01-29
Posts 5689Sydney, Australia |
I enjoyed the read Bobby...I can't offer any technical or philosophical advice sorry...  love RDB Be kind at heart....for everyone you meet has their own battle to fight......... |
||
|
Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Thanks Dear RDB, I'm very pleased that you enjoyed the story. Bobby |
||
|
Larrysmom Senior Member
since 2008-04-03
Posts 533Florida, USA |
Quite naturally, and needless to say, the parents pretend to be horrified. They promise instant disciplinary actions, of a various, and violent nature. HAHAHAH Thank you for the memory dear Bobby!!! This was me at Larry’s middle school right before the two of us would laugh our way out the front door!!! I love this one Bobby!!! And the squealer got just what he deserved! Tammy<333 |
||
|
Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Thanks Dear Tammy, I think we left the squealer a better person after the whole thing. We didn't hurt him bad. That's middle school for you. It's a very tough age to get through. Bobby |
||
|
r v wooo Senior Member
since 2007-08-07
Posts 656 |
bobby, maybe there is a prelude somewhere and i missed it. angelo caught in the act, was my first recalled experience at reading your short-short stories. i didn't see titus as a snitch but saw him simply as a kid in the wrong place at the wrong time...taking a leek... and i saw angelo as one quickly jumping to conclusions. after school, angelo became the judge, jury and executioner of titus and delivered what he felt was the appropriate payback. titus was blindsided and that is an unforgivable act on the darkside of the street in my world and i'm sure that holds true on the dark streets and back alleys of philly as well. i saw angelo as weak ...making 3 punkish mistakes. 1)he chose to break the rule and roll dice for pennies. 2)he didn't take blame for his predicament when caught in the act. 3)scapegoating his problem onto titus. my advice to angelo...don't walk into the dark...its not a courtroom! |
||
|
Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
R. V. Wooo, Thanks for reading and commenting again. Bobby |
||
|
2islander2 Member Ascendant
since 2008-03-12
Posts 6825by the sea |
Hi Bobby as a teacher I was moved by your poem...I don't think children are more accurate than adults about justice, they don't understand a lot of things but they feel all perfectly well.... Children justice could be very cruel too.... Children tend to reproduce what adults show to them and so the responsability od adults is primordial (very essentiel) Have a nice day thank you for your poem... yann |
||
|
Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Thanks Yann, Thanks for reading and commenting. I'm pleased you understood it. Bobby |
||
|
r v wooo Senior Member
since 2007-08-07
Posts 656 |
your short-short story brought back memories of bullying and revenge situations some years ago. also, was aroused by some of the comments, made by others, to the story. i was a teacher for 40 years and in the last 8 years, before retirement, i knew of 19 former students who were shot and killed or who shot and killed someone else. i found that to be a sad note to an otherwise enjoyable teaching experience. there are no positive outcomes if bullying goes uncorrected. if parents don't correct it, if schools don't correct it or if the society, in general, does little or nothing the child is left to walk into the dark. |
||
|
Paul Wilson
since 2002-07-07
Posts 4711United States |
Bobby...Maybe next week Titus will be rolling the dice with Angelo and his crew. lessons learned. Life is hard learn to cope or be eaten alive...Paul ~~To share my poems with you is to share my heart with you~~ Paul |
||
|
Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Thanks R. V. Wooo, I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your students. We loose kids to violence here in my hood too. It's a very hard place. Bobby |
||
|
Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Thanks Paul Wilson, No, I'm afraid that would never happen. As R. V. Wooo says, my gang and I were bullies. No one wanted to associate with us. I've since reformed, with the help of a tenth grade teacher that gave me hope for something better. Bobby |
||
|
Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Thanks BobK, I've made the change for the last line you suggested. I like it better that way. Bobby |
||
|
Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Bobby, My failure to be clear, Bobby; I'm sorry for that. One thought one line seems a fine way to go. I was thinking of the sound of the line when read out loud. The sound of the line gets clotted up in the middle from too many accents too close. But you do very well on your own, and your way works better for you. I make two comments about stanza nine because I'm talking about two different things. One thing is the use of the word "rat-fink" in the third line of that stanza. I thought it probably didn't fit there. I like the word in general, and love that you put it in a poem. Just not there and not in that poem. It's repeating something you've already said, only making it obvious. The second comment I made had to do with the final line. I feel least certain about my suggestion for the final line of all the uncertain comments I've made. But if you take the whole gist of the original posting, I guess I'm rooting for a little more attention to the sound and movement in the poems in addition to the social awareness and the sense of irony and the feeling that are such strong features in this very strong series.. Of which I am an enthralled fan. Yours, BobK. |
||
|
Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Dear BobK, Thanks for your suggestions. What do you want to do with rat-fink? I'm afraid I just don't follow what you want me to do. Okay, I've taken rat-fink out of this edition. It stays in the book. I'm sorry you don't like the sound and movement in the poem. This is the way I always write. I don't plan to rewrite the book to give it better sound and movement. Bobby [This message has been edited by Robert E. Jordan (05-01-2008 07:20 PM).] |
||
|
Marchmadness Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 9271So. El Monte, California |
Maybe it's the way I grew up and it's probably the wrong attitude but I really can't stand a snitch. Titus was probably lucky the kids took care of the problem early on. Ida |
||
|
Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Thanks Ida, I'm with you Hon. Remember, when interrogated; give only your name, rank, and serial number. That’s Army training. I'm afraid we'll always be on the outside, looking in. Bobby |
||
|
xTr3m3sT Member
since 2008-03-03
Posts 415 |
Lol, Titus got a face full of justice, beat down style. I laughed at this one, not because I am cruel, but because I to have beat a kid down because he snitched on me. Thanks for the memory. -Angel |
||
|
Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Angel, Many people, such as you, and I, have such memories. Snitching, for snitching sake is not good. There are times however, when snitching can be appropriate. It’s something that has to be thought about very carefully. A good rule of thumb is never to snitch just to get something out of the snitch for your self, or to curry favor from someone. If snitching will prevent harm to another human being, then it can be very appropriate. I’ve been lucky enough never to have been put in that position, but such things can, and do, happen. Bobby |
||
|
Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Bobby, If you liked the way that the last line worked with the change I suggested, that's what I'm looking for, the sense that a suggestion is an addition of something you would have put in if you'd thought about it for ten minutes more. The suggestion about "rat-fink" doesn't seem to do that for you. You'd be silly to take it under those conditions; it violates your sense of what's needed there. The only reason for offering feedback like this is to help a poet with what the poet feels to be a natural unfolding of the poem. If I haven't done this, it's my feedback that's off, not your poem, which is fine without it anyway. And don't mess with the darn book. I've seldom seen such a unified group of poems in my life. I was wondering if you had thought about sending a group of seven of them off to Prairie Schooner and a group of five of them off to i]The Northwest Review[/i]. You can never tell about what a magazine is going to publish, or how long it may take to break into one, but I've seen stuff in both magazines that makes me think you write material they could find attractive. Why not give them a try? I'd cross my fingers for you. Yours, Bob K. |
||
|
Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Thanks BobK, I’ve never tried Prairie Schooner or The Northwest Review. I used to send poetry off to journals; however, they never wanted to pay much, if at all. Of course, all my poetry is based in Philadelphia. I couldn’t think of writing about any other place, as I don’t know the area. Quite like Felix, I never do any work for free. It's against my nature. I’ll look into those two journals. Thanks very much for your help. Bobby |
||
|
Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Alas, Bobby, both pay in copies. Prairie Schooner does give prizes for a few poems every year, but not many and not much. I too have a weakness for money, but pay and poetry don't often cross paths. Both are still fine magazines. The Georgia Review, also a fine magazine, also with a great reputation does pay. It's been a while since I've seen an issue, though, so I'm not as up to date on it as a market. I'd try them with some anyway. You should be circulating. Keeping the place you write about as Philadelphia is just fine. Oddly enough, it gives the poems more universality than it would if you tried to write about places that you didn't own. |
||
|
Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Thanks BobK, I've just recovered from my IPS provider being shut down, so I'm late in getting back to you. Bobby |
||
|
shyvl Senior Member
since 2008-04-11
Posts 531texas, usa |
Children like their justice swift and to the point, maybe our system could learn alittle. Thanks for sharing and I loved reading all the posts. I learn so much from your gift. sharyn |
||
|
Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Thanks dear Sharyn, I'm afraid I can't agree with you there. There are too many kangaroo courts now. If you’re poor in this country, you get the axe for anything. If you’re rich you can get away with murder. There has to be a better way than prison, and the death penalty. Love Bobby |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
