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Open Poetry #42
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| Open Poetry #42 |
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WHY |
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Virtual Abyss Member
since 2008-04-09
Posts 52East Coast - USA |
Veins No feeling Waiting for movement Can't feel it Drunk Is it mine? YA! Have another drink It's just wine! My hand I see it On the table It's not moving Wait a minute I'm not trying I'm drunk On Wine Figure it out! |
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| © Copyright 2008 D.J. Mac - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Seoulair Senior Member
since 2008-03-27
Posts 807Seoul S.Korea |
interesting write. indeed totally drunk. |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
I'd rather be drunk on life than on wine! ~ Besides, it's cheaper and there is no hang-over! lol ~ Go "figure"!  EA |
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Artic Wind Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 8080Realm of Supernatural |
Drinking is so bad!  ARCTIC WIND |
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Alison 
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Well, I think that you captured being drunk pretty well. It's not a place that I like to go, but I think that the poem is interesting because it's like peeking into a window and watching someone drink simply to get drunk. Know what I mean. I walked that self-destructive path when I was a teenager - and learned that -- I don't know that you care what I learned (grins), but I learned that I don't need to drink to be who I want to be. And, I learned that drinking just kept me from getting there. I sound like I am lecturing, don't I? Well, it's your fault (laughs) ... YOU got me thinking and when I think ... I chatter ... and when I chatter ... oh never mind (kicks the soap box away and laughs). See you got my attention - betcha hope that doesn't happen again any time soon. Thank you for sharing this poem. It's pretty good. Alison |
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Virtual Abyss Member
since 2008-04-09
Posts 52East Coast - USA |
Seoulair, Earth Angel, Artic Wind, and Alison, thanks for reading! It seems I’ve hit a little cord here. My writings have accumulated over the years. Everything has a time, a place, a reason, and a story. Maybe you’ve been there, maybe not. But it’s amazing what the mind can do whether coaxed or not. My writings are often deep and raw. I’ve never shared them with anyone until I came across my friend that introduced me to this site. If I’ve turned your stomach, sorry! You probably won’t like a lot of my stuff. Everything can’t always be pretty. I guess that’s why song writers become so great. Now I’m rambling! Thanks again! V/r, Virtual Abyss |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Abyss, There is a genre of chinese poetry about being drunk, some of it quite good. I wouldn't let what the other folks are saying stop you; what it means is that the poem and the way you wrote it was good enough for it to hit them pretty strongly. Not approving of drunks doesn't make a poem about the experience of being drunk a bad one. A lot of drunks don't approve of drunks, either; you poem didn't encourage a single one of them, I'd bet. If you read Li Po, you will see some very fine poems. If you read Rimbaud, you will see a lot of poems about things that aren't particularly tea table conversation working very well as literature. "Good" and "nice" do not mean the same thing. Sometimes you can find poems which are both at the same time. No examples spring to mind, but I'm sure others can offer them. There are lots of poems that are nice and not good. It's been my observation that writing good poems, which contain accurate observation about real things that real people do and that do so in ways that feel new and unique and which are charged with real feeling and are powered with fine use of language is too big a job to allow the time for a poet to worry about niceness. Niceness only fits if it's to the the advantage of all those other things and if you feel that it adds something the poem wants. In terms of practicality, I'm unsure why you center-justify your lines. This generally looks awkward to me. And the last line needs to go. It takes the poem away from it's job of being a poem and tries to make it into a second class riddle. People shouldn't be walking away from this poem scratching their heads asking, Hmmm? I wonder if Mr. Abyss is trying to tell us that the speaker in this poem is drunk or has some deeper secret that is somehow concealed in the depths of these lines? Does he abuse puppies in his spare time? Does he drink glue? Does he sniff politicians? Does he secretly take italic writing classes? Not a good road to go down. I think, however, that the poem is pretty good. What I said about the last poem seems to fit about this as well. Keep writing. Yours, BobK. |
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Larrysmom Senior Member
since 2008-04-03
Posts 533Florida, USA |
I like this piece a lot. Poetry is not always beautiful or pretty sometimes it’s “drunk”! I agree with Bob K though and I would get rid of the very last line. Tammy<333 |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
VA, I read in your response to some of your repliers "If I’ve turned your stomach, sorry!". You need not be sorry! ~ even though it did turn my stomach a wee bit! lol It wasn't your poetry ~ it was me remembering what it was like being drunk one night ~ many, many moons ago ~ when I went party hopping on an empty stomach and became sicker than a doggone dog!   EA |
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