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Open Poetry #42
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A Bereaved Mother’s Guilt
| Open Poetry #42 |
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A Bereaved Mother’s Guilt |
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Larrysmom Senior Member
since 2008-04-03
Posts 533Florida, USA |
3/31/08 A Bereaved Mother’s Guilt It is when I spiral into the bowels of anguish and the overwhelming grief consumes me, in the darkness of my despair, doubt seeps in and takes hold of me with its formidable grasp... and at those times I am powerless over it... I am his mother. I should have protected him. I should have done more…. Did I show him enough how very much I love him? Did I show him beyond all doubts that he means everything to me? Was I compassionate enough? Did I pay enough attention? Did he leave this world knowing without question that I love him beyond all and everything? Did he know that I would happily, and without a fraction of a seconds thought or hesitation, lie myself down in death to keep him alive? Could I have done more to show him? Can we not always do more? So why do we not? Why is it that not until he is lost from me do I think of these things? Why is it, that while he was within my sight, my touch, my hearing, I did not slow down the life that speeds us forward always searching for more of the dream? Do not wait until you are me to see what the dream truly should be. When you look at your heart, your soul, remember “we are not promised tomorrow” and it may never come. However, even if you do remember today and find yourself tomorrow to be me, when you spiral into the bowels of anguish and the overwhelming grief consumes you, in the darkness of your despair, doubt will seep in and take hold of you with its formidable grasp... and at those times you will be powerless over it... Tammy (Larry’s mom) |
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| © Copyright 2008 Tammy Brown - All Rights Reserved | |||
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K-K Member
since 2008-03-13
Posts 153Indiana |
To feel the anguish is something that nevre goes away. Larry knows how much you loved him, and will be waiting for you with his green and black baloons in hand someday. Bless you |
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Larrysmom Senior Member
since 2008-04-03
Posts 533Florida, USA |
K-K, Thank you so very much… I will never stop loving or missing Larry and he will forever be my son and just as much a part of my life as his little brother is… You are right, the anguish will never truly go away but I have found what I call, “The bits and moments”. These are things I have found and that I do that give me a little bit of comfort and a few moments of peace… Tammy<333 |
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Roniece Dawson-Bruce Member Ascendant
since 2000-01-29
Posts 5689Sydney, Australia |
Tammy... Larry knew how much you loved him my dear friend... Mothers and Sons have a bond that lasts forever... lovely gifting here from you .. I send you some hugs from me to smile your day.. love RDB Be kind at heart....for everyone you meet has their own battle to fight......... |
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sewasham Senior Member
since 2006-09-11
Posts 714Oklahoma, USA |
Tammy, I have no doubt that Larry knew/knows how much you cared for him. You should never blame yourself as there are some things beyond our control. Take care dear. Steve |
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Larrysmom Senior Member
since 2008-04-03
Posts 533Florida, USA |
RDB, Thank you so much for the smiling of my night…  Steve, Thank you so much. As much I know and understand that I could have done nothing to prevent Larry‘s accident and as much as I know that I did my best for him as a mom and he knows it… There are still moments, just every once in a while, that the doubt seeps in… What helps me to over come the doubt is the fact that I know beyond all doubt and without question that Larry loves me with all of his heart and soul, so I could not have done too bad. Tammy<333 [This message has been edited by Larrysmom (04-10-2008 10:59 PM).] |
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ILoveTheRain Member
since 2008-03-02
Posts 157GA |
Tammy, it really isn't anyone's fault. It was just an unfortunate accident. The only problem is that it happened to be your son. And for that, I am truely sorry. That has to be the worse thing to ever encounter in life. But just know, that your poems touch me deeply and I am always thinking of you, Larry, and your family. I look up to you for how you have handled the situation and how strong you are. It must take a great deal of effort, and that is amazing. Just know there is love for you and Larry at PIP. Jess |
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Larrysmom Senior Member
since 2008-04-03
Posts 533Florida, USA |
Jess, You have touched me deeply with your words as so very many here have… I keep saying thank you because I just cannot find the right words to express what the beautiful people in these pages have given me…. So again I say thank you from the bottom of my broken heart… The care and love here will no doubt help it mend. Tammy<333 |
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peppermint35 Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1106Texas, USA |
It's only normal and only human nature to wonder if there was something left undone or something different that could have been done; but with time, knowledge will come to you clearly; I think it is embedded in your heart, your son knew without a doubt that you loved him; because obviously, you loved him always without reservation. He is always with you, in spirit, hold onto that always. Pepper |
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Marchmadness Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 9271So. El Monte, California |
I think all of us who are left behind beat ourselves up with guilt. What if this and what if that. Deep down inside we know it would be impossible to do everything right in everyday life. Ida |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Some of the pain is because once you love someone, you always want the object of your love to be close to you...but I am sure that you gave Larry lots of love from your heart...and love is not perfection, it is sharing and caring,and accepting and appreciating and forgiving...James |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
 we always do whatever we can for our childrenbut loving them is most important |
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Larrysmom Senior Member
since 2008-04-03
Posts 533Florida, USA |
Pepper, Yes, it is natural to feel this way occasionally. Every bereaved mother and father I have talked to has spoken of the guilt they feel from time to time. Most of the time I know better. I know that I could not have done anything more than I did that day and I do truly know that I showed Larry how very much I love him. He definitely knew. But like the end of my writing says, even if you know and do all that you can today and this happens to you tomorrow, you will feel this way sometimes. It is a normal part of a bereaved parents grief. Because we are there parents… Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts, they mean more than you could know… My dear Ida, you are SO VERY RIGHT! Thank you so much my friend… I knew you would understand. Dear James, You are so right my friend… Thank you so much. Dear Passing Shadows, Yes, loving them is the absolute, most important… Thank you so much. Tammy<333 |
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Seoulair Senior Member
since 2008-03-27
Posts 807Seoul S.Korea |
Wonderful. A lesson for me. wonderful poem. |
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effjayel Senior Member
since 2007-09-30
Posts 1474At the Crossroads of Infinity |
Tammy, you will always feel as if you never did enough & could have /should have done more. I felt the same way after both my parents passed away. That is only natural, and part of the grieving process. We think that we deserve the blame & punish ourselves needlessly in the hope that by doing so we will feel better(?) You can of course now go the other way and over compensate & smother Darrin with love and affection, which may help in the short term but you are going through a period of readjustment and although not a day will go by Larry is not in your thoughts, you will one day smile more & cry less. You must do that for him. He would not want you to go through the rest of your days in pain. He knows how much you loved him in person when he was on this earth & for sure he knows right now, this very second exactly how much you still feel & hurt for him. He is looking down on you as I write this & willing you to smile again. In fact, I would not be at all surprised if he were not responsible for leading you to passions...ask yourself this, just how did you find all your new friends in here? Did you google it or were you Larried???  John xxx |
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Roniece Dawson-Bruce Member Ascendant
since 2000-01-29
Posts 5689Sydney, Australia |
smiles at John, you are a beautiful person who cares about everyone on here... I thank you so much for that! xxx RDB xxx Be kind at heart....for everyone you meet has their own battle to fight......... |
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Honeybunch Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-29
Posts 7115South Africa |
Tammy - You have touched many with your words. It always seems to be that guilt goes hand in hand with grief and I think both must sit with us for a time before (and for however long it tskes) we can see and feel beyond them. There is no rush. Being a mother myself of three wonderful sons my heart goes out to you. Hugs Helen |
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Joyce Johnson
since 2001-03-10
Posts 9912Washington State |
I don't know how long since you lost your dear son. It has been nine years for me and I assure you that the anguish does lessen. You will always love him and miss him but the sweet memories will console you. Your son knew you loved him with all of your being. You gave him freedom which he needed to grow and no need to take on guilt. The loss is enough. With love and empathy Joyce |
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Larrysmom Senior Member
since 2008-04-03
Posts 533Florida, USA |
Seoulair, Somehow I knew you would take this as a lesson… Thank you my dear friend. Tammy<333 -------------------------------------------- My dear John, You are a very special man… and I am so grateful that Larry lead me to you and all of the special friends I have found in these blue pages… You have made me smile yet again. As RDB said, thank you so much for that. ---------------------------------------------------- Helen, Thank you so much for your kind words… You are right guilt does seem to go hand in hand with grief and I am slowly learning to manage and overcome it. It does not suck me in always, just every once in a while. I will overcome it in time though. Like you said, however long it takes… --------------------------------------------------- Miss Joyce, Thank you so very much for your words of HOPE… They are greatly needed and appreciated…. Larry died April 9, 2007. We just past the one-year mark. I will keep you words close to my heart my dear friend… Lots of love to each and every one of you, Tammy<333 |
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