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Open Poetry #42
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twittersnitch (rp-reworked)
| Open Poetry #42 |
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twittersnitch (rp-reworked) |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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He woke and saw my candles lit and just because I am "the witch" he laughed a nervous twittersnitch and asked me "Why would you have church?" "I'm praying." I, the pragmatist. "Tonight I feel the needs of men." Abrupt, he blew out all the flames: "Tell them that I said 'Amen.'" "Candles can be lit again." I warned him as he left the room. "Who knows?" I smiled and trimmed the wicks. "I might have prayers for you." |
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| © Copyright 2008 serenity blaze - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
I don't remember seeing this one before.. I loved it..I need to set my candles to burn..it's been awhile. Wish you could help me..road trip?   "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
This is really cute and shows your power, dear Karen ... and it made me smile because I love to light the candles and my husband says the atmosphere reminds him always of a church. Not for me though, it is a spiritual experience, but not involving the church. A fantastic and intriguing write. Love and hugs. Margherita  |
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Alison 
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Karen, Thhis is kind of like peeking in a window of you. If this is what being a voyeur is all about -- I am liking it. Alison |
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Roniece Dawson-Bruce Member Ascendant
since 2000-01-29
Posts 5689Sydney, Australia |
Karen.. I did enjoy your lovely words... love RDB Be kind at heart....for everyone you meet has their own battle to fight......... |
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Larrysmom Senior Member
since 2008-04-03
Posts 533Florida, USA |
This is awesome… It made me smile and feel light. Tammy<333 |
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Artic Wind Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 8080Realm of Supernatural |
"Candles can be lit again." I warned him as he left the room. "Who knows?" I smiled and trimmed the wicks. "I might have prayers for you." A very Interesting write Mrs.Blaze!-- I enjoyed this one the most because it so poetic and just wonderfully said! lol ARCTIC WIND |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Thanks for reading, but while I was floating this one out here, I utilized the Critical Analysis Forum, because well, while I thought the poem was "okay" it just wasn't, well it was "off" somehow for me. So here's the final version, with thanks to Karilea and Pete: He woke to see my candles lit and just because I am "the witch" he laughed a nervous twittersnitch. He asked me, "Why would you have church?" "I'm praying." whispered Mesmerist. "Tonight I feel the needs of men." Abrupt, he blew out all the flames: "Tell them that I said 'Amen.'" "Candles can be lit again," I warned him as he left the room. "Who knows?" I wiled and trimmed the wicks. "I might have prayers for you." Sublte differences, but Kari and Pete helped me to make it happier for me too.Thanks for replying, and thanks for always being so supportive of me, even when I don't exactly support my own efforts.  Ya'll are great. |
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1slick_lady Member Ascendant
since 2000-12-22
Posts 6088standing on a shadow's lace |
you are the kind of witch that makes my heart twitch smooches babe |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
I like the second version too. I have been keeping up on the comments and suggestions on the other board. I am not good about making suggestions, but sure do learn from other's comments. A |
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Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
serenity blaze, This is very nice. The original to me is best. Is "mesmerist" a word? Bobby |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
Yes it is a word! (says she, clicking off dictionary.com)... "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Helen? You are my hero.  Alison, thank you lovie, I follow you around too, but I'm all over the place, and I really do need to check out your work more. Everytime I do, I ask myself why don't I read her more?  Bobby? I don't know if "wiled" is a verb either, but I'm pretty sure "mesmerist" is a word, and with the capitalization (thanks Pete) I do believe it just became a "title". (Sort of like, um, "Mistress"?) The etymology is fascinating. When I take off the "mom suit" here and have more time, I'll look it up for you if you like. But as I explained in C/A, I do quite often enjoy re-purposing words. Thank you for taking the time to read and reply! Love to you all--and lemme go check the chicken. *chuckle* <--Alliteration!  *laughing* I do love you ALL. MUAH. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
And SUZE!!! (I'm gonna come typing after you too!) --------------------------"chicken"!  love you! |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
I liked the first version too, I believe. I liked "I smile" rather than "I wiled" - and I liked the "and" you removed. -- And I say that I don't do critiques. -- Just goes to show that we all have our opinions. Either poem is excellent in my eyes. Alison |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Alison, thanks again lovie. You feel free to jump in any time with suggestions. My critique flag is "on" all the time, so you don't have to worry about which forum I'm in to speak up. (My chicken is fine, too, folks.) But I think I'll explain my preference for using "wiled" as a verb instead of "smiled." After reading "My Papa's Waltz" I admire the poet's (Theodore Roethke) very deft (and I think deliberate) ambiguous intent. So "wiled" leaves that up to the reader. Is "the witch" smiling playfully, or up to wicked work? I like leaving that option open to the reader. But thank you for stating your preference. I really love the input. (Y'think dinner's late? It is.) Love and ------------------------>dash! |
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Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Serenity Blaze, Yes, it is a word. I just checked my copy of The Oxford English Dictionary. It wasn't in my old copy of Webster's--my humble apology to all. Little Dummy Bobby |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Sssssssssshhhhhhhh, you! Because Bobby? If you get to know me better, you'll know that even if it wasn't a word, I would have made it one for the purpose of the poem.  Thanks. As I said. Critique is always welcome. Hugs (and ahhhhhhhh...dinner is served--maybe I should tell them, huh?)  |
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sewasham Senior Member
since 2006-09-11
Posts 714Oklahoma, USA |
Enjoyed this Karen, very entertaining. Take care and Have fun. Steve |
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Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Serenity Blaze, That is the way many, if not most, of the words in our beautiful language have come to be. They have been "made-up" to fit into a literary work. It's a perfectly proper thing to do. Bobby |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
Read this early this morning at work. Loved it as it read and the second version is fine also. My simple mind just prefered the first. But anything you write and any word you make up is perfect to me. I am just a sentimental mom I guess. I adopted you long ago and you can do no wrong. "late" |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I am just feelin' the love tonight! awe...hugs to you both, and sandgrain, I'm not letting go of you either. wow, I'm feelin' lucky tonight! And nodding at Bobby, 'cause I have no idea what a "twittersnitch" is, it's just the sound my husband makes when he's nervous. *smile* |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
sweet! love this, girlie! |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Hey you....shaking my head. It's good to see you here--and I'd say we need to get together and share misadventures sometime, but I do suspect together we'd be another misadventure! *laughing* I hope you are doing well lovie. Just know I'm silently cheering you on! Love ya! and thank you... |
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