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gilead
Senior Member

since 2008-03-10

Posts 1067
nevada, USA

0 posted 2008-04-01 04:04 PM

"No man is an island entire of itself"
—John Donne

Saturday evening at a honky-tonk bar,
Swaying to the moan of a steel guitar . . .

Old Jack Daniels in his shaking hand,
He and his whiskey making one more stand.

The guitar wails of a love forlorn,
As he sinks in his drink and thinks of Dawn—

"You are as smooth as a Tennessee whiskey;
As sweet as a strawberry wine,

As warm as a glass of brandy,
And I’m stoned on your love all the time!"*

He gathered some wine colored flowers,
Like the darkness of his midnight hours,

But there’s no song that can take him home---
There’s no home for a man forever alone . . .

* These four lines are from "Tennessee Whiskey" by George Jones. Since they are a direct quote, I could not alter them to fit the rhyme scheme of the other lines.

[This message has been edited by gilead (04-02-2008 09:40 AM).]

effjayel
Senior Member

since 2007-09-30

Posts 1474
At the Crossroads of Infinity

1 posted 2008-04-01 04:12 PM

Gilead, interesting thought process & underlying message, but I think it could do with a little work... John

Marchmadness
Member Rara Avis

since 2007-09-16

Posts 9271
So. El Monte, California

2 posted 2008-04-01 04:16 PM

Hi Art, I think you've found the perfect place to be alone in a world of 6.60 billion people. Aloneness creates beautiful poems though and this one would make a great country western song.
Ida

gilead
Senior Member

since 2008-03-10

Posts 1067
nevada, USA

3 posted 2008-04-01 04:37 PM

Thanks, John. I agree. The meter in some of the lines is a bit rough, and I've never been quite satisfied with the last two lines. I'll give it a go.

Art

gilead
Senior Member

since 2008-03-10

Posts 1067
nevada, USA

4 posted 2008-04-01 04:41 PM

Actually, Ida, the four line stanza is a quote from a country song performed by George Jones.

Thanks for your input.

Art

Marchmadness
Member Rara Avis

since 2007-09-16

Posts 9271
So. El Monte, California

5 posted 2008-04-01 10:07 PM

I guess I don't know too much about country music, Art. I always learn something from you. Thanks.
Ida

Robert E. Jordan
Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-25

Posts 8541
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

6 posted 2008-04-01 10:33 PM

Gilead,

This is a good poem based on Donne's words--

"No man is an island entire "of" itself..."

Bobby

Seoulair
Senior Member

since 2008-03-27

Posts 807
Seoul S.Korea

7 posted 2008-04-02 12:22 PM

I like this poem. Actually I love the verse
there’s no song that can take him home,
because his heart has stopped singing long ago.

Love the read.

gilead
Senior Member

since 2008-03-10

Posts 1067
nevada, USA

8 posted 2008-04-02 09:01 AM

Thanks, Bobby, for the correction on the Donne quote. I tried to write it down from memory, which happens to be when I read "For Whom the Bell Tolls" some decades ago!

Art

ThisDiamond
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-02-22

Posts 9353
Michigan, USA

9 posted 2008-04-02 09:03 AM

I read this a few times...the message was great. I think the 4-line stanza is what interrupted the flow.

The words you chose are well placed... perhaps a simple reformat of that one verse would clarify the rhythm.

If the waters are deep on all sides, either swim or dive.

gilead
Senior Member

since 2008-03-10

Posts 1067
nevada, USA

10 posted 2008-04-02 09:04 AM

And thank you, Seoulair. Your comment has given me an idea for revising the last stanza.

Art

gilead
Senior Member

since 2008-03-10

Posts 1067
nevada, USA

11 posted 2008-04-02 09:16 AM

I wrote this a few months ago after having a number of drinks with a guy at a country bar near my domicile. I tried to get inside his mind, as he lamented his "failures" in life.
We poets are in the habit of probing, and sometimes it overlaps our own struggles.

Art

gilead
Senior Member

since 2008-03-10

Posts 1067
nevada, USA

12 posted 2008-04-02 04:45 PM

Hello, John. If you happen to read read this reply, I'd like to know if the changes I made improved the poem.

You opinion is appreciated.

Art

Alison

Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

13 posted 2008-04-04 07:16 PM

Hi Art,

I am not sure which version of the poem I am reading (thinking of John's response), but I really like this. I am a country music fan - and the lonliness of it all appeals to me.

Alison

r v wooo
Senior Member

since 2007-08-07

Posts 656

14 posted 2008-04-05 11:32 AM

the poem actually made me shake and tears rolled down my cheeks. i could actually smell the esters!...a powerful poem and like beauty i suppose it depends upon what is in the mind's eye!

[This message has been edited by r v wooo (04-06-2008 01:41 AM).]

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