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Open Poetry #42
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i keep it simple
| Open Poetry #42 |
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i keep it simple |
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poddarku Senior Member
since 2008-01-15
Posts 589india 
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simple Look at your arms And, at your pray. “It is worthy of troubles.”- Can you now say? |
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| © Copyright 2008 poddar kushal - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
This one almost chokes me ... in its tremendous impact. Leaves me wondering though what the prey is ... but I don't need to know, you conjured up men's nature, nothing less than that ... in just a few words. love Margherita [This message has been edited by Margherita (02-17-2008 08:03 AM).] |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
this is good...outstanding piece |
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simon Member
since 2008-01-14
Posts 440London, England |
Poddarku, I love your simple economy, it's so powerful. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
indeed, very good and simple...but push on the button of my complicated thinking.  very nice, my dear friend. |
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Artic Wind Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 8080Realm of Supernatural |
Short but BIG messages!  ARCTIC WIND |
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Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Poddarku, This is a good political poem I like it. Bobby |
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Alison 
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Hey podarku, I am gonna go with what they all said. You pack a punch with this poem. Kind of alliterative, huh? (grins) I like this. Alison |
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effjayel Senior Member
since 2007-09-30
Posts 1474At the Crossroads of Infinity |
Pod, as I have said to you before many times, you manage to say so much with so few words, this could be the start of a trend, an Indian Haiku perhaps? John |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Look at your arms And, at your pray. “It is worthy of troubles.”- Can you now say? Poddarku, I'm sorry to say the actual prose meaning isn't clear. I understand in line one that you've asked either yourself or your reader to look at their arms. Presumably there is something of significance to be seen there. There is an expectation set up by this first line that you can play with by satisfying or not satisfying it, that you will reveal what this significance may be. In this second line, your use of the word "pray" is confusing. This is very important because you are going to use this word as a rhyme word in combination with the final word of the poem, not simply the stanza, where the importance would be similar but not nearly as great. Because you're writing a single stanza poem, however, you have put a lot of your poetry energy into making this word and the last word in the poem really click and make a powerful closing effect. To start the set-up off with a confusion is to start off off-balance. So to get proper effect you'll need one heck of a saving final rhyme that will bring clarity and closure to the whole structure of the poem. The poem doesn't solve this problem. We remain unclear about whether the speaker is at prayer, or is doing some sort of preying mantis-like ritual and is about to rip the head of some poor unsuspecting fellow being or whether he/she is about to dice him/herself up in an adolescent stress relieving ritual. Or there is some other explanation, for example an authentic moment of spiritual contact. By leaving the issue untouched, we aren't left with ambiguity so much as confusion. "It is worthy of troubles" is an english sentence, but not idiomatic in American English or in English English so far as I am aware. I'm certain others will correct me, but what I usually hear is the question, "is it worth the trouble?" Or Was it worth the trouble?" And the entire idiomatic phrase would be something like "Do you think it was worth the trouble?" You inverted this for the rhyme. This is part of the pleasure and the problem in writing formal rhyming verse, of course, especially in these modern days. How does a person stay idiomatic, keep to a proper word order, and keep the demands of of rhyme and meter that our ancestors had that little bit of extra play with, and still make a meaningful poem? It's really rough. Good try here, but you need to watch for the need to distort idiom to fit the need of the verse form, and to be at least as clear as prose. You're wonderfully ambitious and it's good to see you experimenting like this. My best, BobK. |
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