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Juan Ramon
| Open Poetry #41 |
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Juan Ramon |
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Huan Yi Member Ascendant
since 2004-10-12
Posts 6688Waukegan 
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. Now Day by day Even As I lie here I feel My self leaving . |
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| © Copyright 2007 John Pawlik - All Rights Reserved | |||
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
hmmm...I was wondering what that feeling was~~~ M |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
for..... |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
A heavy one. Shalt thou leave one day, Pray let thy heart stay to wrap thy poems up so they live beyond decay. I shall not cry!!! |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
A Light one For the land where the train passing daily through my brain hoots to. Tomtoo Have a wonderful day , sir Huan! |
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Ratleader
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass |
It's a wide, wide road...because we're all marching it together. My friend, it's good to read you again. I've been gone too long. ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº> ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº> |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Huan Yi, What is the poem asking from you? Where does it begin? Where does it end? I think you are trying to write up to the beginning of the poem. Everything before "As I lie here" doesn't serve any purpose, really, but holding space. In a short poem—much more demanding, I think, than a long poem in many ways, you don't have the luxury of prep time. You need to start out in medias res, in the middle of the action, with concrete things and hard verbs slapping trump cards on the green felt in front of you. You can't afford to give tricks away. Short poems are all grand slam. "As I lie here" lays out a persona and and activity in four syllables, reasonably economically. "I feel" is somewhat bland. It would probably serve your poem better to ask it, as nakdthoughts suggests, what that feeling was. If you're simply writing as self expression, of course, why bother? simply let everything stand as it is, and to hell with what anybody thinks. If you want the poem to function as a poem by itself, then Nakdthoughts and I are asking you the same question your poem wants to ask you about itself. "Hey Boss, am I inarticulate with feeling, or is there something I'm feeling that's specific and startling as actually telling folks I'm inarticulate that's going on here? I'm only your poem, Boss; I want a better job description." Also, since my self is leaving, what kind of self is it? Have I meditated for 30 years on the rise and fall of my breathing, carefully noting each thought that gets in the way, have I watched a corpse decompose for 10 days in the jungle heat, pondering the notion of vanity or Self, am I having a moment of discomfort feeling the dissolution of a fragment of whom I believe myself to be? All these things can be captured in prose, you know. If I am trying for the poetry thang, I must not be so fearful as to confine myself to the general experience described by others. I might look at Li Po or others who looked at things in ways that make them new every time we read them, no matter how familiar they grow. Even a William Carlos Williams, from a completely different tradition, can surpise us with chickens. Huan Yi, nobody's Self leaves them without leaving them changed and often stupified. If yours has not, then this very poem is an invitation for it to do so once again. Enlightenment need never be a singular event. This is why poetry can be thought of as a Way, respectable as calligraphy or Sumi-i or the martial arts. Why not offer this as a gift to your poem, so that your poem might offer something of the gift to you in return. Liberate the joy in your poem. Affectionately, BobK. |
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Huan Yi Member Ascendant
since 2004-10-12
Posts 6688Waukegan |
Thank you all The poem’s title is a reference to Juan Ramon Jimenez while the poem extends from his “I am not I” BobK, “Huan Yi, nobody's Self leaves them without leaving them changed” Being freed of illusion and delusion is being changed of course. “and often stupified.” And sometimes, if fortunate, instead, “illuminated”, (thank you Doctor Jones Senior). I am interested in distillation not dissertation the consequence being hopefully a poem instead of tome. Thank you all again. John |
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