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Kalandria
Junior Member

since 2006-05-23

Posts 44
Yorkshire, England

0 posted 2007-08-15 02:42 PM

5.05am

Beneath dimmed skies the city wakes,
Sixty watt eyes, blinking
as high rise lives stir once again.
Grey silence, pierced
by the drone of a road sweeper,
Clearing the debris of a night now lived.

A drunk, staggers towards his run down
home of faded dreams,
Clutching his friend of bottled hopes,
And dragging solace
from the final remnants
of a borrowed cigarette.

In the station, dawn trains pull slowly away,
A brief snapshot
Of momentary faces,
behind windows that reflect the tears
of the girl on the platform,
standing alone.

A look of employed sympathy,
From the guard,
As she watches the train slip from sight.
Her last goodbye, lingering upon lips,
That never spoke the words,
She meant to say.

Their final embrace, now nothing more
than a grainy memory,
On the CCTV.
Immortalised in a room
Of forgotton kisses
And silent farewells.

In the rafters of the grime-clad roof,
pigeons settle,
waiting patiently for the food,
discarded by business men to go.
Mobile meals for mobile lives,
Caffeine's daily lovers.

Passing the newspaper stand,
She glances,
At another headline of war,
same story, different day.
Perpetual killing
In a world of moving trains.

iliana
Member Patricius

since 2003-12-05

Posts 13434
USA

1 posted 2007-08-15 02:54 PM

Awesome piece!

catgirl789
New Member

since 2007-08-15

Posts 8

2 posted 2007-08-15 02:55 PM

Wow. It's like a story within a poem. It's wonderful, and I really like it.

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

3 posted 2007-08-15 04:27 PM

Nice...James

inkedgoddess
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-19

Posts 7392
Ohio

4 posted 2007-08-15 09:11 PM

like a documentary
on life in the big city
with a twist of poetry
cool !!

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

5 posted 2007-08-15 09:18 PM

Hello, Kala...

I see that you encourage critiques. I enjoyed the flow of this, but would like to see a rewrite in the future with less commas.

One of my favorite lines?

quote:
Sixty watt eyes, blinking
as high rise lives stir once again.

Thanks!

" It matters not this distance now " Excerpt, Yesterday's Love
~*~
KRJ

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