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Passions in Poetry

my first post seemed liked so i thought id do another :)

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RGK
New Member
since 07-13-2007
Posts 2


0 posted 07-14-2007 01:43 AM       View Profile for RGK   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for RGK

hello again from ur clueless poet.. haha thanks for the great comments on my last post about the breakup, i gave it to her and now were trying to sort things out.. umm this is another one i wrote which is older. at the time i was involved in a few things which i started to question if it was really what i should be doing and just generally wondering if were on the right life path..

Paraniod.

Paranoid, confused, and caught in a daze
This game I have entered is like a maze
Trust diminishes as eyes start to stare
Theyíre all watching me from over here, over there

Friends or Foes, no one really knows
And the fear that eats me keeps me on my toes
For one day soon that time will come
Prepared to face it or ready to run?

Is this for me or should I change?
A question that I find to be so strange
A thought that makes my brain re-arrange
My mind is clouded im going insane

Is this what lifeís supposed to be?
Shaded and weary about what you see?
I guess so coz itís happening to me
What the future holds is a mystery

Perhaps one day ill realize
That the game im playing is just a disguise
Filled with a bunch of bullshit and lies
I see this view with my own eyes

Maybe not and its all real
And the walls  I walk through are made of steal
And ill stand my ground no matter what the deal
But who knows the truth? Thatís how I feel

THE END

comments and feedback would be great
© Copyright 2007 RGK - All Rights Reserved
ivordavies
Senior Member
since 01-10-2007
Posts 735
Chester, England


1 posted 07-14-2007 02:11 AM       View Profile for ivordavies   Email ivordavies   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ivordavies

RGK,

I have not read your first post yet but this poetry certainly gets the mood of the Poet over.  I do have problems with very bad punctuation though as it 'jars' and breaks the read, thus stopping the flow and ruining the poetry.

What may appear to a 'minor' concern can actually destroy a good piece of this nature.  I have reposted this below with a little more punctuation to show what I mean.  As an example your 'ill' (meaning sick) actually was meant to mean I'll (I will)!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paraniod.

Paranoid, confused and caught in a daze,
This game I have entered is like a maze.
Trust diminishes as eyes start to stare,
Theyíre all watching me from over here, over there.

Friends or Foes, no one really knows
And the fear that eats me keeps me on my toes,
For one day soon that time will come,
Prepared to face it or ready to run?

Is this for me or should I change?
A question that I find to be so strange.
A thought that makes my brain re-arrange,
My mind is clouded I'm going insane.

Is this what lifeís supposed to be,
Shaded and weary about what you see?
I guess so coz itís happening to me,
What the future holds is a mystery.

Perhaps one day I'll realize
That the game I'm playing is just a disguise,
Filled with a bunch of bullshit and lies,
I see this view with my own eyes

Maybe not and it's all real
And the walls  I walk through are made of steal
And Ill stand my ground no matter what the deal,
But who knows the truth? Thatís how I feel.

FadingSun
Member
since 05-01-2000
Posts 76
Southern California


2 posted 07-14-2007 02:16 AM       View Profile for FadingSun   Email FadingSun   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for FadingSun

I think it read just as you intended it to be. Sure punctuational items were missing. But I didn't feel your flow was interrupted. Nor did I feel the 'edited' version flowed any better.

I liked it. Nice strokes of words, that kind of danced along the tip of my tongue as I read it. Nice poem all in all I thought.

In the sight of Love, fear isn't even as great as a single hair:  in the law of Love, everything is offered as a sacrifice

ivordavies
Senior Member
since 01-10-2007
Posts 735
Chester, England


3 posted 07-14-2007 02:26 AM       View Profile for ivordavies   Email ivordavies   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ivordavies

Fading Sun,

RGK asked for feedback,  I was pointing out that using the wrong words and poor punctuation actually does destroy poetry for a lot of people and most certainly ruins the flow for a lot of people.

I am not sure what is gained by suggesting that it does not!

RGK

You asked for feedback and I hope my feedback is read as positive as it was intended.  Again may I say that I found this poetry good, but I feel a little attention to punctuation makes it great...

Ivor
Roniece Dawson-Bruce
Member Ascendant
since 01-29-2000
Posts 5694
Sydney, Australia


4 posted 07-14-2007 03:12 AM       View Profile for Roniece Dawson-Bruce   Email Roniece Dawson-Bruce   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Roniece Dawson-Bruce

Hello RGK  .... first let me welcome you as I don't think I did so with your first posting... I hope to read more of you ... Ivor has provided you with some good critque I think... take it as you will.

Enjoyed... be well RDB

Be kind at heart....for everyone you meet has their own battle to fight.........

ThisDiamond
Member Rara Avis
since 02-22-2002
Posts 9456
Michigan, USA


5 posted 07-14-2007 12:23 PM       View Profile for ThisDiamond   Email ThisDiamond   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit ThisDiamond's Home Page   View IP for ThisDiamond

Because I had read your entrance poem first, I could tell this was an older write.  You grew in your skills and thoughts.

I like the sincerity of your poems especially.  The emotions and moods come through so clearly.

The most difficult thing is to expose our thoughts to critique...for all of us.  
If someone is telling you something to help you grow...it's because you have touched them already with a worthy gift.

Spellcheck is a poets good friend.
Loved this.
Drauntz
Member Elite
since 03-16-2007
Posts 2907
Los Angeles California


6 posted 07-14-2007 12:28 PM       View Profile for Drauntz   Email Drauntz   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Drauntz

very good. I love this one.

enjoyed
Magnus
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Laureate
since 10-10-2001
Posts 14644
South Carolina, USA


7 posted 07-14-2007 03:35 PM       View Profile for Magnus   Email Magnus   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Magnus

Also,  I like the content of this poem.
And you are trying hard to write rhyming
poetry that has a beat or rap to it.  I
have no problem with that.  If you wish to
write that style,  part of your personal
poetic growth would be to be able to make
the lines more consistent in meter,  by
doing this,  you will make the poem even
more enjoyable to read....Take the words as
a sharing of what many of us had to learn
from in our early stage of growth...

Artic Wind
Member Rara Avis
since 09-16-2007
Posts 8075
Realm of Supernatural


8 posted 11-05-2007 04:00 PM       View Profile for Artic Wind   Email Artic Wind   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Artic Wind

Enjoyed deeply

ARCTIC WIND
 
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