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looking for a title
| Open Poetry #40 |
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looking for a title |
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jayjara Member
since 2007-05-02
Posts 90Florida |
Looking for a title..check out the poem and give me your critique: Strident din, moist mass a blip, balanced but losing this fixed grip. Voice coils vibrating aiding my trip to a curious chasm of innocence. Allowing this suppression, breaking tension with violent motion of uncertainty. Attempting to realize this face with brown eyes, as I crawl to the piece, as long as the noise cries. The motive is set, no need for your past, so much on hand, the die is cast. A sense so familiar, from sometime when I introduced myself once again. -J |
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| © Copyright 2007 Jara - All Rights Reserved | |||
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LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296 |
in the shadow of mind's eye delightful write |
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Drauntz Member Elite
since 2007-03-16
Posts 2905Los Angeles California |
Me and my autonomic tail |
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Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina |
Hi Jara, Once again I find myself really liking the piece. You have a lot of great imagery and some choice words. But also, you have a few hairy areas that could use looking over, nothing big. Again, this is all just my opinion. I won't rewrite it for you because I don't do that and wouldn't want to do that but I'll just offer some advice. Let's start with L1 (Line 1): "Strident din, moist mass a blip," Love the start except the first two words. Strident and din have very similar meanings. Strident is an adjective that means making or having a harsh sound. Din is a noun that means a loud, confused noise. So by combining the two, I feel you are being a little redundant. You can say it, I suppose, and it would mostly make sense but I just feel it's a little redundant. I love the "moist mass a blip" by the way. But it should probably be "moist mass of blips..." "balanced but losing this fixed grip." I think L2 should be cut completely. It sounds forced and offers nothing to the piece. If you want to keep the same sentiment of that line, I'd suggest rewording it and possibly dropping that rhyme altogether, it doesn't need it. "Voice coils vibrating aiding my trip to a curious chasm of innocence." Now, do you mean trip (as a journey to) the chasm? Or do you mean trip (as in stumbling) into the chasm? If it is the latter, you should say "aiding my trip into a curious chasm..." And how can a chasm be curious? I see that you're going for alliteration in that line but a chasm can't be curious. So you should think about maybe dropping "curious." "Attempting to realize this face with brown eyes," What is the significance of this line? "as I crawl to the piece," What piece? What do you mean by "piece?" "The motive is set, no need for your past, so much on hand, the die is cast." "No need for your past" What is the meaning/significance of that? And I feel that the "die is cast" line is very clichéd. It's been used many many times. You can find a more creative way to say that. You're a very inventive person, I know you can do it easily. "A sense so familiar, from sometime when I introduced myself once again." Genius closing. When I was starting out writing poetry, I thought that as long as the end is good then the whole piece would come together. But that's not the case. That's how most directors think and that bothers me too. If you have a genius closing, make sure the rest of the piece matches up with it. That's really the only critiquing I have. Oh and a suggestion for a title? I think once I understand it better, I'll give a suggestion for a title. The one Drauntz gave is pretty groovy but I'm not sure if it goes with this just yet. Like I said, I need to understand it better. - Ed Head Cheese & Chicken Feet |
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