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i'm in need of critique
| Open Poetry #40 |
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i'm in need of critique |
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jayjara Member
since 2007-05-02
Posts 90Florida |
I'm new to this forum, and I'm looking for people that know what they're talking about. This poem is called "Bother Thee" Dim rocks on ground round up and stain pain on the knees, blisters on the slip, ringing in the ear that bothers thee. That sense of defeat that lacks so much of thee, radiates from chapped lips to issue decree free to bend our knees and follow this marquee, but humbly you blame with beat the same. Rhythm of coffee drops drip drip dripin' on an open chest pierce throbbing fibers wear I bleed, bleed dourly, it bothers me. -J |
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| © Copyright 2007 Jara - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
We have a wonderful Critique Forum, both for, and of, people who know what they are talking about. If you would like this poem transferred to that forum, just let a moderator know. Otherwise, you can enhance your "constructive critique" message for anyone to offer insight, and oft'time supreme critical remarks. Me? I'm going to welcome you to Passions! Please, check your Email for a Very Special Message! " It matters not this distance now " Excerpt, Yesterday's Love |
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jayjara Member
since 2007-05-02
Posts 90Florida |
yes please transfer my poem. Thank you for the welcome |
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Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina |
"Give me your worse" If you don't mind, I'll try to give you my best, heh. Are you familiar with Beat poetry? By line 3, I thought it would be a beat piece and I'm pretty sure it is. But hell, that's just my opinion. I wouldn't call this a diamond in a rock but maybe a diamond within a boulder, no offense. Mostly to say, this needs some work. You're looking for a flow. I mean beat poetry is always better to be heard rather than read but still you can make it readable. I'd try adding a few articles. Some would tell you to say: "The dim rocks on the ground" But since you're going for beat (I'm guessing you are) you should limit the articles so not to stunt the flow. So I'd say: "Dim rocks on the ground." Basically, it gives it a less "Cro-Magnon man" sound, no offense. Instead of: "...stain pain on the knees..." I'd say: "...stains pain onto the knees..." Again, it just gives it a more refined sound. That's a strange way to say pain in the knees but that's ok. "Blisters on the slip" What slip? What definition of "slip" are you using? Is it a metaphor? And the blisters on the slip are ringing in the ear? The person has slips in their ear? I'd say "blisters on the drum ringing in the ear" Because you have an eardrum but not an ear slip, at least I don't think so. "That sense of defeat that lacks so much of thee," This isn't clear, wrong use of words. Let's take a look at it. Instead of saying "so much of thee" I'd say: "so much in thee" that'd make it a little clearer. But I'd still take a second look at it. "radiates from chapped lips to issue decree free to bend our knees and follow this marquee," The sense of defeat issues a decree? What decree? Is the decree: "freedom to bend our knees?" That doesn't make a whole lot of sense. And "follow this marquee?" A marquee is a part of a roof, like a roof like projection above an entrance. So you're saying to follow the roof? See, my point is that I think you were just trying to rhyme. But if the rhyme is nonsense then you have a problem. "but humbly you blame with beat the same." Again, I feel rhyming was used and meaning was forgotten. Could you explain this line? "Rhythm of coffee drops drip drip dripin'" This seems out of place. Why the coffee reference? And the "drip drip dripin'" is out of place with the style of the piece. It gives it almost a nursery rhyme feel. "on an open chest pierce throbbing fibers wear I bleed," When did the person get stabbed? And why? "Pierce throbbing fibers" sounds interesting but what is your meaning behind it? And you mean "where" not "wear." "bleed dourly, it bothers me." "Dourly" is out of place. It doesn't match the rest of the language in the piece. You asked for critiquing and I was happy to give my two cents or five dollars or whatever it is worth to you. Take what you will and recycle the rest. Cheers mate, and welcome to PiP. - Ed Head Cheese & Chicken Feet |
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jayjara Member
since 2007-05-02
Posts 90Florida |
lol, i must admit u gave me a hell of a critique, but this is what i've been looking for, so i am satisfied. So, allow me 2 explain a bit: Here's the poem revised: Dim rocks on the ground round up and stains pain on the knees, blisters from the slip, ringing in the ear that bothers thee. That sense of defeat that lacks so much of thee, radiates from chapped lips to issue decree free to bend our knees. But humbly you blame with beat the same. {Rhythm of coffee drops dripping on a open chest pierce throbbing fibers where I bleed, bleed dourly, it bothers me.} I took the advice about the articles also changed some of the wording. Obviously, someone has fallen in the beginning of the poem...there's pain and blisters and ringing in the ears from the "slip"= sliding involuntarily...and all this bothers this 2nd character I write a lot of poems where there are multiple characters, one being more developed then the other most of the time. "That sense of defeat" line is about that feeling of discouragement "that lacks so much in thee"...the 2nd character isn't helping this feeling of discouragement and now loneliness since the 2nd character being idle.."radiates from chapped lips" =2nd character's lips "to issue decree..." this line and the next are an order to bend knees = just represents an order to conform... "but humbly you blame, with beat the same" keeping that idle attitude, this 2nd character continues to blame the 1st character for the incident that has happened Finally, the last few lines...i wanted 2 put them in the poem somehow, I am still figuring that out...these lines are about being tortured by the 2nd character...supposedly, a torture method is dripping liquid on the victim's body parts and organs...so here there are hot coffee drops being poured onto "throbbing fibers"= refers to a heart (pulsating muscle tissue) and this bothers the 1st character -J |
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Drauntz Member Elite
since 2007-03-16
Posts 2905Los Angeles California |
it is rather interesting to read your explaining than your poem. sad life, very sad! vividly painful! |
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Drauntz Member Elite
since 2007-03-16
Posts 2905Los Angeles California |
How about this? Dim rocks on ground used to be the moon round up and stains just like my wounds pain on the knees, blisters on lips ringing in the ear that bothers thee. That sense of defeat that lacks so much of thee, radiates from chapped tongue to issue the decree freely bend my knees and follow this marquee, but humbly you blame with beat of the bees with Rhythm of coffee drops drip drip dripin' on an open chest pierce throbbing fibers Dourly, I bleed I bleed dourly it bothers me deeply it bothers me |
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Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina |
Jajara, I too think your reply was interesting. I'm glad I could help a bit. "Obviously, someone has fallen in the beginning of the poem...there's pain and blisters and ringing in the ears from the "slip"= sliding involuntarily...and all this bothers this 2nd character" Ok, instead of slip, I'd maybe say "fall" it just makes it a little clearer. "to issue decree... this line and the next are an order to bend knees = just represents an order to conform..." Conform to what? I thought it was about someone who fell, so why does someone need to conform? And which character needs to conform? I'm not giving you a hard time, these are just essential questions you have to ask yourself. ["but humbly you blame, with beat the same" keeping that idle attitude, this 2nd character continues to blame the 1st character for the incident that has happened] Ok, so say that. Because "humbly you blame with beat the same" isn't clear. Like I said, don't rhyme just for the hell of it. If you're going to rhyme, make it meaningful. I think you have a very definite style, and I dig that. Once you find your style, you're set but then you have to learn how to develop it. Keeping the notion that you're into beat poetry, I suggest you read some beat. Check out Ginsberg and Neal Cassady, but stay away from Burroughs for now. You shouldn't go near Burroughs when you're starting out, trust me on that one. But for now I'd get deep into Tom Waits: his prose, lyrics and music. Don't copy him, just read him; learn from his techniques, but no copying. Here's a link where you can find lyrics to some of his better songs. http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7587/sword.html I'd very much like to see another one of your pieces. Because I do think you have a lot of potential. - Ed Head Cheese & Chicken Feet |
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jayjara Member
since 2007-05-02
Posts 90Florida |
thank u, and yes i'd be glad to share more of my poetry... 1st: the conformity question: the 1st character has fallen to the supremacy of a power. This power represents "the man", the inexorable force that has a heavy influence on society. In the poem, the 2nd character is like this power. And what does the 2nd character do? Nothing...the common man or the 1st character is a marionette and submits to this oppression. Then the torture verses come into the poem to describe this oppression. And all the 1st character has to say for himself is: "it bothers me." Bother thee (revised) Dim rocks on the ground round up and stains pain on the knees, blisters from the fall, ringing in the ear that bothers thee. That sense of defeat that lacks so much of thee, radiates from chapped lips to issue decree free to bend our knees. Remaining idle, you continue to accuse. Rhythm of coffee drops dripping on a open chest pierce throbbing fibers where I bleed, it bothers me. -J |
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jwesley Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563Spring, Texas |
I found your explanations of what this piece says interesting, but after reading your piece 3 times, I still don't see any of it. Simple as I am, when I read a piece, I want the piece itself to tell me what it's saying, not an explanation of the piece...otherwise, I'd just read explantions only. But then I'm sorta weird that way. enjoyed. j. |
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