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Open Poetry #40
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Huan Yi
Member Ascendant
since 2004-10-12
Posts 6688
Waukegan

0 posted 2007-04-23 10:08 PM


.


Ah young cardinal
Flying tree to leafless tree
You tender the heart  
Immersed in a her long past
Crossing an old squirrel’s eye


.

© Copyright 2007 John Pawlik - All Rights Reserved
Robert Jordan
Member
since 2007-02-07
Posts 392
Philadelphia Pa USA
1 posted 2007-04-23 10:20 PM


Huan Yi,

You have the spirit of a Tanka in this poem.  The last line however, lacks a syllable.  How do you pronounce “squirrel”?

It’s a pleasant read.

Bobby

Huan Yi
Member Ascendant
since 2004-10-12
Posts 6688
Waukegan
2 posted 2007-04-23 10:25 PM


Bobby


I count "squirrel’s" as two,
though it might be better considered
one and a half, certainly not one alone

John

Drauntz
Member Elite
since 2007-03-16
Posts 2905
Los Angeles California
3 posted 2007-04-24 02:13 AM


it is truly a beautiful one.

What kind of tender heart can charm a young cardinal singing and cross an old squirrel’s eyes? with true love only!

enjoyed with great happiness!!!

Midnitesun
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647
Gaia
4 posted 2007-04-24 09:11 AM


John, I enjoyed the squirrel love imagery, but found line 4 awkward.
secondhanddreampoet
Member Ascendant
since 2006-11-07
Posts 6394
a 'Universalist' !
5 posted 2007-04-24 09:27 AM


most fine response to the 'love tanka' challenge!

If I may ever-most-humbly express a small concern...
it would be with just the middle of the 4th line?!...

Applause!

Huan Yi
Member Ascendant
since 2004-10-12
Posts 6688
Waukegan
6 posted 2007-04-24 10:59 AM



.
All,


Think of it as a translation . . .

It only took a few seconds

No biggie


John
.

Startime55
Member Elite
since 2003-04-05
Posts 2148
Alberta, Canada
7 posted 2007-04-24 10:11 PM


A joy to read...this poem brought a smile to my face...the vision was delightful...*Big Hugs*
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