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PARANOIA
| Open Poetry #40 |
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PARANOIA |
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xrayzerase Junior Member
since 2007-02-07
Posts 10usa |
been meaning to get back on this forum-mostly to read--just-still not "out of the woods" physically. at any rate-something i wrote not too long ago-it kind of applies to "me" now-to how i feel-so-figured i'd add it here. written october 29 2006 . . PARANOIA/ WINDOW PANES . . do i remember the early days in the iol? when i used to bang my head on hard walls. when i hit my hand into a punching bag to the point of hurting the smallest of bones only fragile in skin just-..why?? . funny..how this self-destruction stays deep in the furthest part of the memory of the memories. . and yet i do recall the bag the marks of strength to survive my own sadness and turn it in to retraction retreat through interrogation pointed questions to move through the thickness of mud i have come to find this cover comforter to be made up layers to lose touch and i find all the while i knew only a few only a very few remained intact . speaking is open trusting is selective avoidance is sadness and sadness is marks and turns to paranoia if it is not detected and flushed to flesh . i define "drama" as a thing of reality i define indifference as a thing of passing. . the day my best friend darlene told my dr i was planning to go awol i broke the glass window pain slicing open my knuckle looking for a stiching bandage. i knew then i could not live up to my friend caring and it messed me up and i dropped down from there until the reality rose higher than the drophole . my paranoia is not self-contained it is outward sadness turned into fear but really ..not. it is a need a knowing things . change. |
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| © Copyright 2007 andrea - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
"my paranoia is not self-contained it is outward sadness turned into fear but really ..not. it is a need a knowing things . change." Hello Andrea~ Yes things do change... and we come out of that dark place of despair into the light. Hugs~Nancy In the midst of winter, |
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xrayzerase Junior Member
since 2007-02-07
Posts 10usa |
nancy (((hug))) thank you. i honestly don't mean to always sound so so "down" i really am not i wrote this to a new friend just this morning: "sometimes-i think the hardest is spoken best in that silly image i did "fenced flight": i feel like a bird who has a large cage to fly in-but knows there is so much beyond that cage-and -the sky is beyond that cage. it is all so reminiscent of the iol (psych hospital days)-i see the sun-but throught the window-but it is my lifeline. i have to remember that. " you see...i don't just have crohn's. i also have this haunt of a past. like so many. mine is the 4 years i spent in a psych hospital from ages 16-20. i have a real problem with depression and i also have a.d.d. thing is-i also have an ENORMOUS love for life. i have written and done so much art work on both the good and bad-the REAL of it. it is my lifes work. to speak this "seeming" conflict--which is not conflict-but: LIFE. i wrote a poem for my friend jimmy. how he destroyed himself with drugs-and he was so young. still fairly young. he had a past of homelessness and abuse. but he also found such JOY in finding a stone. in seeing a butterfly sit on the tip of a flowers bed. i want to read here. i also am part of an art forum too-so-am trying to catch up on both--which is good. i am still not well enough to go out much-so-these forums are my places to live. i refuse to let my crohn's be my life. but i will say-it is a cage right now-and to keep running into bars and hitting my head-i sometimes cry. but mind you: i always have a song to sing as well  you are a ray of hope nancy-and i know you have your own ill's--but you speak and open your door to so many-and it is a BIG thing. and i for one thank you for it. andrea |
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scorpio Member Ascendant
since 2002-10-02
Posts 5178right...there |
Well done Andrea!! Very profound!! believe in what your heart feels... |
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Janette
since 2001-07-20
Posts 2843Chicagoland for now |
"this cover comforter to be made up layers" So many "layers" to this interesting piece. Enjoyed. always seeking joy, adventure and romance and wishing you find the same |
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