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Passions in Poetry

Wished I could run

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rhia_5779
Senior Member
since 06-09-2006
Posts 1304
California


0 posted 12-21-2008 03:18 AM       View Profile for rhia_5779   Email rhia_5779   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for rhia_5779


The tears didn't fall fast enough-
as I sat in my room alone on friday nights
All I wanted listening to my ipod as I walked to school
was to run away from the comments that bite

Dreams of running gave me wings from my pain
flying as my feet pounded the cobblestone
Imagining being free - released from my cage
Wanting so bad for running to just bring me home

Desperately dying inside- homesick for the states
Wishing for the people who could heal my broken heart
and put it back together again after being ripped by silence
I can pinpoint exactly when the shunning started

Carefully and slowly they distanced themselves from me
finding ways to hurt me and flaunt their friendship
Runaway Love came out and I wished I could run too
Just hear my heartbeat and hope I'd be missed
© Copyright 2008 rhia_5779 - All Rights Reserved
Marc-Andre
Senior Member
since 12-07-2008
Posts 500


1 posted 12-21-2008 01:17 PM       View Profile for Marc-Andre   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marc-Andre

I've enjoyed reading the poem, it evocatively brings to mind memories that most of us have. But I do think your verse would be enhanced with the use of regular meter and solid rhymes. I believe that what you wrote deserves a more structured form. Here's a quick example with your first stanza:

My tears do not fall fast enough
Once in my room alone at night;
I walk to music and I want
To run away from words that bite.

Granted, some words are missing. But the rhymes are solid and the meter is tight. It would be for you to decide what to keep and what to discard, or simply reorganize. I ventured this as I believe you have got strong potential. You're free to take it or leave it. Should you have any question, I'd be happy to help  

A merry Christmas to you   Mark
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