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Passions in Poetry

Poem i had do do includeing rhyme scheme rate plz

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Rand0m_guy54321
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since 12-08-2008
Posts 7
U.S.


0 posted 12-09-2008 07:30 PM       View Profile for Rand0m_guy54321   Email Rand0m_guy54321   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Rand0m_guy54321


                                                                                       14
                                                           BY: Landon Bauer

So many emotions racing rapidly through my mind
So confused cause Iím running out of time
Feeling things no 14 year old should feel
All these things are sending me reeling
All these things I shouldnít be feeling

Doing things no man should have to do
Trying to do more than I can handle alone
Itís so hard on me I feel like Iím going to break
This may not look bad but itís not a piece of cake
All the things Iím trying to make

Trying to fit in at school hey thatís not happening
Iím like an outcast that no one wants to talk to
Trying to concentrate but so many things are racing through my mind
So confused cause Iím in a bind
So messed up inside of my mind

© Copyright 2008 Landon Bauer - All Rights Reserved
Rand0m_guy54321
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since 12-08-2008
Posts 7
U.S.


1 posted 12-09-2008 08:34 PM       View Profile for Rand0m_guy54321   Email Rand0m_guy54321   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Rand0m_guy54321

wow i didnt notice i put do do in the subject that wasnt good
freeand2sexy
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since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


2 posted 12-09-2008 08:50 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Lol so you wrote 'do do', oh well mistakes happen, Nice poem by the way!

I love pancakes!!!

stargal
Senior Member
since 03-06-2006
Posts 1350
OR USA


3 posted 12-10-2008 12:59 AM       View Profile for stargal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for stargal

"So many emotions racing rapidly through my mind (A)
So confused cause Iím running out of time (A)
Feeling things no 14 year old should feel (B)
All these things are sending me reeling (C)
All these things I shouldnít be feeling  (C)

Doing things no man should have to do (A)
Trying to do more than I can handle alone (B)
Itís so hard on me I feel like Iím going to break (C)
This may not look bad but itís not a piece of cake (C)
All the things Iím trying to make (C)

Trying to fit in at school hey thatís not happening (A)
Iím like an outcast that no one wants to talk to (B)
Trying to concentrate but so many things are racing through my mind (C)
So confused cause Iím in a bind (C)
So messed up inside of my mind" (C)


Well, this is how I see your rhyme scheme, unless I'm missing some internal rhyme scheme pattern I'm not sure I understand how yours works; perhaps you could explain your intent for me, unless you were simply trying to break the monotony of A, B, C, C, C by throwing in the first stanza, I'm not sure what you were doing. I do have a suggestion though, and please don't take this wrongly. I think you need to be a more specific in your poem. You talk quite a lot about your "thoughts" but the reader isn't given a good idea of what those might be. I believe it would enhance the poem if it wasn't so generic in it's descriptions. I did like that you had an analogy in there; it was a good idea to have a comparison of your life to cake. Unfortunately I can't give this a rating, I wouldn't know where to start. I enjoyed reading this piece and hopefully I will see more of your poems in the future.

Stargal~
what_hope?
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since 12-10-2008
Posts 9
sc


4 posted 12-13-2008 12:57 AM       View Profile for what_hope?   Email what_hope?   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for what_hope?

nice

rhia_5779
Senior Member
since 06-09-2006
Posts 1304
California


5 posted 12-13-2008 12:14 PM       View Profile for rhia_5779   Email rhia_5779   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for rhia_5779

I was going to comment on the same things stargal did  but she wrote it first. Lol. Use more imagery and go into more depth.
Falling rain
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since 01-31-2008
Posts 2165
Small town, Illinois


6 posted 12-13-2008 08:44 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

Like the topic man. But Stargal was right. Rhyming scheme wasn't at its best. Try to work on it a little. And Rhia I think his imagery was fine. I think  there's a fine line between just enough imagery and killing the poem with it. Good job Landon.

-Zach  

So together but so broken inside

stargal
Senior Member
since 03-06-2006
Posts 1350
OR USA


7 posted 12-15-2008 02:36 PM       View Profile for stargal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for stargal

Actually, I didn't mean to say the rhyme scheme was bad. I wanted to know why he did it in this particular way. I know many poets will change one stanza in a longer poem to rid the monotony. I didn't feel it was necessary in this poem because it was not of a long nature. And also because when it is this short, it's a little harder to see there is a pattern unless you pay close attention.
Rand0m_guy54321
New Member
since 12-08-2008
Posts 7
U.S.


8 posted 12-15-2008 08:18 PM       View Profile for Rand0m_guy54321   Email Rand0m_guy54321   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Rand0m_guy54321

at the time i thought feel rhymed with reeling lol i guess it doesnt though
KandyGrl511
Member
since 11-30-2008
Posts 52
Michigan


9 posted 12-25-2008 10:55 PM       View Profile for KandyGrl511   Email KandyGrl511   Edit/Delete Message     View IP for KandyGrl511

i loved it!really really good!
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