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Figment

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Octave
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since 07-29-2008
Posts 188
Highlands, Scotland.


0 posted 12-09-2008 12:30 PM       View Profile for Octave   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Octave

Figment

Lying on my blanket
Of glittering, satin stars
Moon curled in my lap
Sunlight sitting in a jar

World a carpet underneath
A patchwork of molten dreams
Shapes shifting all around
Thoughts bursting at the seams

Creamy clouds offer comfort
As the sky rocks me to sleep
Darkness whispers all around
I have no need to weep

The sighing breeze is my friend
Breathing in my ear
The tinkling of time
Is the only thing I hear

Every day passes week
Every month passes year
Just sitting on these shadows
I have nothing left to fear

This makeshift existence
Held together with thread
A yarn of finest dreams
A ribbon on which I tread

Lying on my blanket
I have no need to cry
I am just an illusion
I can neither live nor die
© Copyright 2008 Octave - All Rights Reserved
wolf girl
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since 12-03-2007
Posts 150
washington, US


1 posted 12-09-2008 05:38 PM       View Profile for wolf girl   Email wolf girl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for wolf girl

loved it.
freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


2 posted 12-09-2008 08:45 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Wow amazing poem, I enjoyed reading it!!!

I love pancakes!!!

hunnie_girl
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since 06-18-2006
Posts 2539
Canada


3 posted 12-10-2008 12:14 AM       View Profile for hunnie_girl   Email hunnie_girl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for hunnie_girl

wow this was truly amazing I love it!!
Krysti
Taylor See
Member
since 10-07-2008
Posts 55
North Carolina, US


4 posted 12-16-2008 02:54 PM       View Profile for Taylor See   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Taylor See

Great poem. The flow is great, and the imagery is absolutely amazing! It's so beautiful...

The only thing I would suggest to improve it is to alter the on line

"The ribbon on which I tread"

It sounded a bit awkward and was slightly off on the rhythm, and while it isn't a big deal, I noticed it because everything else was so perfect haha.

Keep up the fantastic work

And as each player moves their piece, confident and tall
They forget that they can move themselves, in the greatest game of all

Clockwork_Orange
Senior Member
since 03-23-2007
Posts 623
Space Camp, IN


5 posted 12-16-2008 06:54 PM       View Profile for Clockwork_Orange   Email Clockwork_Orange   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Clockwork_Orange's Home Page   View IP for Clockwork_Orange

this was really great. i liked the entire thought that was coming so clear to me as i read this. it was great the way the flow gave me an image. it just went so good in my head. the best part to me was the intro. i loved the way you started in on this one.
Falling rain
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since 01-31-2008
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Small town, Illinois


6 posted 12-17-2008 02:30 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

What more can I say? This poem is astounding. Magical and Mystic. Great work.

-Zach

So together but so broken inside

Octave
Member
since 07-29-2008
Posts 188
Highlands, Scotland.


7 posted 12-20-2008 07:25 AM       View Profile for Octave   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Octave

Thank you so much everyone. (:
moonbeam
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8 posted 12-20-2008 01:11 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

You've been producing a few poems each month consistently since July on this forum.  Practically everything you post is free of typos and has obviously had a good deal of thought and care invested in it - those two facts alone set you apart from the vast majority of writers who post on the internet.

However additionally you show a natural grasp of tone and meter - in other words, you possibly don't even know you're doing it "right", you just do, and above all from time to time you come up with some extremely fresh and startling images.  This is something young writers often find hard to do.  For instance take the absolutely wonderful opening stanza in this poem:

"Lying on my blanket
Of glittering, satin stars
Moon curled in my lap
Sunlight sitting in a jar"

Dangerously you use three of the most overused cliches in poetry, those annoying astral bodies - the moon, the stars and the sun!  Not many poets could put those three into four short lines and produce something that didn't have at least one excruciating cliche.  But not only do you manage to do it, you do it in a way that produces an original and breathtakingly beautiful opening to a poem.  

Let's take a look at what you do.

L1 opens the poem with a nice clear image, nothing special, in fact something we have often heard before.  However, the line break on "blanket" is very strong and sets up the next totally unexpected, but ever so believable image and metaphor in L2.  Thus although the phrase "blanket of the night" and even "blanket of stars" has been heard before, you have managed to turn it around and present it in such a way that it produces surprise and delight.  An altogether wonderful metaphor.  (You'll have to forgive me here because I don't know your level of technical expertise, and am not sure of whether you are aware of the role of metaphor in poetic expression).

Having established the metaphor L3 is for me the jewel in the stanza.  Do you have any idea how many hits I got when I Googled "moon curled in my lap" - none!  Pretty amazing.  Most poems with phrases about the moon generally come up with about a zillion hits, putting them well into the cliche zone.  It's a stunning little image in a well paced opening.  L4 is pretty darned good too.

The poem goes on strongly (in fact, having read all your poems here, I think it is possibly your strongest), with more nice metaphors (the yarn one working in nicely with the blanket) and a close which is quite thought provoking.

Anyway,  I'd be interested to know who you are reading right now, and whether you've had any formal help with your poetry; textbooks, workshops, etc?  Are you for instance conversant with metre?  After half a year of mostly poems in short lines with mainly iambic or trochaic meter and generally with end rhymes, I think if you want to progress you would do well to start experimenting a bit, get a good poet's handbook, and to read some good contemporary poets.  You certainly have the potential to be a very good writer, but don't get stuck in a poetic rut!  If you want any help, give me a shout, I be glad to try and assist.

PS Nice title to this poem too.
Octave
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since 07-29-2008
Posts 188
Highlands, Scotland.


9 posted 12-21-2008 07:39 AM       View Profile for Octave   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Octave

Moonbeam, i thank you greatly for you critique of my poem, it has helped me alot.

I'm not sure where you are from, but i am studying English at Credit Standard Grade level. Not sure if that means anything to you? I have just finished a "Poetry Workshop" in English, and am in the process of writing a CEL on a perticular poem. We did no poetry writing during the workshop, but instead, studied poetry in depth. The poets we looked at where Vernon Scannell, Seamus Heaney and Liz Lochead.

I am not familiar with meters in relation to poetry, but understand the use of metaphors, similies, imagery ect.

If you have any recommendations of poets you think i should read, then i would be happy to hear them. I do not really read poetry, but if you think it would help my own writings, then i will certainly take a look.

I once again thank you for your help and comments. They are greatly appreciated.
moonbeam
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10 posted 12-21-2008 10:37 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

I'm not totally familiar with the Scottish system (I'm English, but living in Scotland), but I guess Standard Grade is like the old O Level which means you are 16 or under.  I'm very familiar with Heaney - quite a challenging poet to study I'd say, I find him difficult even at my advanced age!   Liz Lochead I have read a little and liked, but again, I wouldn't say she would be a top choice for starters.  Scannell I hardly know.  

Some education systems have an annoying habit of turning people off poetry by making them "study" it instead of doing it!  That's what happened to me.  We were made to study Shakespeare and Donne and after that I never wanted to read another poem for 20 years!  Had I known about Carol Ann Duffy, Sharon Olds, Mary Oliver, Adrienne Rich, Billy Collins, John Burnside, Jackie Kay, Anne Stevenson, George Szirtes and a hundred others, then I wouldn't have wasted 20 years thinking poetry was just for dead old men.

Anyway, if you are serious about writing poetry, and, as I say, I think you have a natural talent, there's no if's and but's about whether you read other contemporary poets - you absolutely HAVE to.

The more poetry you read the more you'll osmotically absorb the sounds and cadences of other writing.  This in turn will inform and shape your own poetry, you'll be influenced in a good way towards eventually developing your own style.  But that's a long way off, in the meantime,  trust me, you need to read read read to be a poet.

I found it best to start with an anthology or two, because then you get exposed to all sorts of poets in one volume.  If you like a particular poet you can then think about buying or borrowing his or her collections and reading more.  Two great modern anthologies are:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Staying-Alive-Poems-Unreal-Times/dp/1852245883

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Being-Alive-Sequel-Staying/dp/1852246758/ref=p d_bxgy_b_img_b/279-4005219-7785500

You should also have a poetry textbook as well, but one that is fun and makes learning a pleasure.  I have found this one:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Palm-Your-Hand-Portable-Worksho p/dp/0884481492/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1229872911&sr=1-1

to be brilliant.  If you work through the exercises in it diligently you'll make incredible strides with your poetry in a short time.

Finally one of my favourite poets is John Burnside - a Scottish poet in Fife.  Your poem Figment makes me think you might like him.  Get hold of "The Asylum Dance" if you can:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Asylum-Dance-Cape-Poetry/dp/0224059386/ ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1229873205&sr=1-1

Oh yes, on poetic metre (or meter as the Americans say) you do need to understand it especially if you write using end rhymes.  Some writers have a natural ear, and when they rhyme they write in a regular meter even if they don't know formally what they are doing (you are one of those).  Others have to be taught to hear the patterns of stressed and unstressed syllables.  Either way you should "know the rules in order to break them" as they say.  There is a chapter or two covering meter in Kowit's book, but I can point you in the direction of online resources or help you here if you want as well by scanning one or two of your poems.

M
Octave
Member
since 07-29-2008
Posts 188
Highlands, Scotland.


11 posted 12-24-2008 06:42 AM       View Profile for Octave   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Octave


Yeah, I think SG is the equivalent to O Level. Or GSCE if that helps.

I much prefer writing poems, to actually reading them, but in this course, we didn’t write ay poetry ourselves, which was a bit of a downer. Though I learnt quite a bit, it did suck the fun out English a lot. I will check out a few of those names you’ve mentioned.

The poetry textbook you mentioned looks good. I will look into buying it after Christmas.
I am very keen to become better. My poetry seems very “samey” and I want to break away from the style I write in right now, maybe not lose it completely, but develop it more.

Hmm, I haven’t heard of a poetic metre, though I suppose we may take a look at it in English in the future.

Thanks so much for your help, it finally feels like I’m starting to actually get somewhere. Feel free to critique any other poems I put up here. Be as honest and as harsh as you like. I really want to improve. Thanks again! (:
 
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