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Passions in Poetry

Chances.

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greenshoes
New Member
since 11-11-2008
[First Post] 6
Scotland


0 posted 11-11-2008 01:20 PM       View Profile for greenshoes   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for greenshoes

Hello

Basically, it's my first ever attempt at writing anything, so take that into consideration haha.

Sorry for the cliches.

David.

____________

Sometimes, even when you throw yourself completely into something to win it back, it doesn't change the fact that you never took the plunge in the first place.
_____________

after searching minds and scanning landscapes
a journey finds its way
to take me back to my lost chances on a dark October day

and on the way I realise why I
return to the haven by the sea
where the sun hangs lowly in the sky

falling into place
the pieces of here haven't changed scene
except the sunless empty space
where my new chances would have been

step down to where the moon brings the waves at night
to die with our dreams in the morning sunlight

but still, the stillness never changes
and the waves wave goodbye
and I start to depart with a last glance around
just in case
and leave this place

the haven by the sea;
where second chances will never be.


© Copyright 2008 greenshoes - All Rights Reserved
Taylor See
Member
since 10-07-2008
Posts 55
North Carolina, US


1 posted 11-12-2008 02:11 PM       View Profile for Taylor See   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Taylor See

Very nice greenshoes. I love the imagery this creates.

Keep it up!

And as each player moves their piece, confident and tall
They forget that they can move themselves, in the greatest game of all

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


2 posted 11-12-2008 02:57 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

Welcome to Passions, Greenshoes! Please,
check your email for a Very Special Greeting!

SEA
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 01-18-2000
Posts 24152
with you


3 posted 11-12-2008 05:06 PM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

welcome! I loved this. really.
"step down to where the moon brings the waves at night
to die with our dreams in the morning sunlight

but still, the stillness never changes
and the waves wave goodbye
and I start to depart with a last glance around
just in case
and leave this place

the haven by the sea;
where second chances will never be."

awesome, except for me I can't wait to get back to the ocean.... and never leave again.
greenshoes
New Member
since 11-11-2008
Posts 6
Scotland


4 posted 11-13-2008 12:58 PM       View Profile for greenshoes   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for greenshoes

Hey guys, thanks very, very much. Truly appreciated And haha, I love the ocean to bits
Falling rain
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 01-31-2008
Posts 2165
Small town, Illinois


5 posted 11-13-2008 09:33 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

Wow for a beginner you work very well with words... Great imagery! and welcome to Piptalk!!

-Zach

I'D RATHER BE ANYTHING BUT ORDINARY!!!! XP

greenshoes
New Member
since 11-11-2008
Posts 6
Scotland


6 posted 11-21-2008 12:18 PM       View Profile for greenshoes   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for greenshoes

Aw, thanks very much. I really appreciate it

And you too, that was some nice alliteration, haha.
Clockwork_Orange
Senior Member
since 03-23-2007
Posts 623
Space Camp, IN


7 posted 11-29-2008 12:02 PM       View Profile for Clockwork_Orange   Email Clockwork_Orange   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Clockwork_Orange's Home Page   View IP for Clockwork_Orange

amazing first post. i liked it alot, it had great imagery.
tearsoflove13762
Member
since 09-05-2004
Posts 490
Texas.. and yes i have an acce


8 posted 12-06-2008 03:25 AM       View Profile for tearsoflove13762   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for tearsoflove13762

'the haven by the sea;
where second chances will never be.'
Love it! great first write!



aol sn- sweetcountry007

rhia_5779
Senior Member
since 06-09-2006
Posts 1304
California


9 posted 12-06-2008 01:20 PM       View Profile for rhia_5779   Email rhia_5779   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for rhia_5779

but still, the stillness never changes
and the waves wave goodbye
and I start to depart with a last glance around
just in case
and leave this place

the haven by the sea;
where second chances will never be."


I also loved that stanza- I loved how you used the ocean. I love the ocean so it really touched me and it had so much power. I love the way you used the imagery!
Good first post! Welcome to PIP!
Rhia
Earl Robertson
Senior Member
since 01-21-2008
Posts 753
BC, Canada


10 posted 12-06-2008 10:44 PM       View Profile for Earl Robertson   Email Earl Robertson   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Earl Robertson

WOW! Great job! This is your first poem??
Wow. Exelent imagery, great symbolism.

"step down to where the moon brings the waves at night
to die with our dreams in the morning sunlight"

Love it.

Oh, one peice of advice (looking at what I just copied and pasted)
Try dividing up these really big lines into a few smaller ones.

Like this

"step down to where the moon
brings the waves at night
to die with our dreams
in the morning sunlight"

Small very small detail, just makes it that much easier to read. LOL I'm being realy picky here, that was one of the better pieces of work I've seen from beginners coming here!

Keep up the good work!!  

My melancholy is purely my own

 
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