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greenshoes
New Member

since 2008-11-11

Posts 6
Scotland

0 posted 2008-11-11 01:20 PM

Hello

Basically, it's my first ever attempt at writing anything, so take that into consideration haha.

Sorry for the cliches.

David.

____________

Sometimes, even when you throw yourself completely into something to win it back, it doesn't change the fact that you never took the plunge in the first place.
_____________

after searching minds and scanning landscapes
a journey finds its way
to take me back to my lost chances on a dark October day

and on the way I realise why I
return to the haven by the sea
where the sun hangs lowly in the sky

falling into place
the pieces of here haven't changed scene
except the sunless empty space
where my new chances would have been

step down to where the moon brings the waves at night
to die with our dreams in the morning sunlight

but still, the stillness never changes
and the waves wave goodbye
and I start to depart with a last glance around
just in case
and leave this place

the haven by the sea;
where second chances will never be.

Taylor See
Member

since 2008-10-07

Posts 55
North Carolina, US

1 posted 2008-11-12 02:11 PM

Very nice greenshoes. I love the imagery this creates.

Keep it up!

And as each player moves their piece, confident and tall
They forget that they can move themselves, in the greatest game of all

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

2 posted 2008-11-12 02:57 PM

Welcome to Passions, Greenshoes! Please,
check your email for a Very Special Greeting!

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

3 posted 2008-11-12 05:06 PM

welcome!

I loved this. really.
"step down to where the moon brings the waves at night
to die with our dreams in the morning sunlight

but still, the stillness never changes
and the waves wave goodbye
and I start to depart with a last glance around
just in case
and leave this place

the haven by the sea;
where second chances will never be."

awesome, except for me I can't wait to get back to the ocean....

and never leave again.

greenshoes
New Member

since 2008-11-11

Posts 6
Scotland

4 posted 2008-11-13 12:58 PM

Hey guys, thanks very, very much. Truly appreciated

And haha, I love the ocean to bits

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

5 posted 2008-11-13 09:33 PM

Wow for a beginner you work very well with words... Great imagery! and welcome to Piptalk!!

-Zach

I'D RATHER BE ANYTHING BUT ORDINARY!!!! XP

greenshoes
New Member

since 2008-11-11

Posts 6
Scotland

6 posted 2008-11-21 12:18 PM

Aw, thanks very much. I really appreciate it

And you too, that was some nice alliteration, haha.

Clockwork_Orange
Senior Member

since 2007-03-23

Posts 620
Space Camp, IN

7 posted 2008-11-29 12:02 PM

amazing first post. i liked it alot, it had great imagery.

tearsoflove13762
Member

since 2004-09-05

Posts 488
Texas.. and yes i have an accent

8 posted 2008-12-06 03:25 AM

'the haven by the sea;
where second chances will never be.'
Love it! great first write!

aol sn- sweetcountry007

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

9 posted 2008-12-06 01:20 PM

but still, the stillness never changes
and the waves wave goodbye
and I start to depart with a last glance around
just in case
and leave this place

the haven by the sea;
where second chances will never be."

I also loved that stanza- I loved how you used the ocean. I love the ocean so it really touched me and it had so much power. I love the way you used the imagery!
Good first post! Welcome to PIP!
Rhia

Earl Robertson
Senior Member

since 2008-01-21

Posts 753
BC, Canada

10 posted 2008-12-06 10:44 PM

WOW! Great job! This is your first poem??
Wow. Exelent imagery, great symbolism.

"step down to where the moon brings the waves at night
to die with our dreams in the morning sunlight"

Love it.

Oh, one peice of advice (looking at what I just copied and pasted)
Try dividing up these really big lines into a few smaller ones.

Like this

"step down to where the moon
brings the waves at night
to die with our dreams
in the morning sunlight"

Small very small detail, just makes it that much easier to read. LOL I'm being realy picky here, that was one of the better pieces of work I've seen from beginners coming here!

Keep up the good work!!

My melancholy is purely my own

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