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Teen Poetry #8
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Better Left Unsaid
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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Better Left Unsaid |
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claireifyme New Member
since 2008-10-24
Posts 4USA |
First Poooost! The two best friends (one doesn't care, the other wants so badly to) walking side by side (maybe she's in front?) pretending they matter. (to each other?) She hums to herself (am I good enough yet?) and laughs at nothing (a secret that I'm not let in on). Ends an argument by telling me I'm annoying (am I?). Steals my hairstyle (I cut it myself) my taste in music (am I just being jealous now?) and soon I'll fade into the background. Go ahead, notice her (ignore me). Does this make you squirm? (I hope so) Did I over-step my boundaries? (I know so) Sorry for disputing you. (Should I curtsy?) It's not like you would ever have let me be right. |
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| © Copyright 2008 Claire Aubin - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Earl Robertson Senior Member
since 2008-01-21
Posts 753BC, Canada |
WELCOME TO PIP!! OH SHUT UP SHUT UP AND GIVE SOMEONE ELSE A CHANCE!!!! |
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RevengeIsMine Senior Member
since 2006-07-08
Posts 820Australia |
Hi Claireifyme, Welcome To Pip!... I was going to be nice and not post my thoughts on this piece but i saw your critique message so i will,however your not gong to like it. Whats with the brackets? They make everything so confusing.... There's no rythm, which is fine if you didn't want it to rhyme. The context doesn't tell any type of a story and to be honest it's boring. I know this is your first post and your sure to get better but to be honest your poem is flat right the way through there's not really any emotion at all. So i suggest you have a look around at other ppl's posts and see how they are different to your's and then maybe make some improvements. If you ever need a hand etc or some opinion's drop me an email and i'll be happy to help you out! Hugs N Happy Writing, Jess Oh.. I Loved Ur Title! |
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claireifyme New Member
since 2008-10-24
Posts 4USA |
Yeah, the brackets are there because they're me thinking, it's supposed to be like that. And it's freeverse, which means it has no rhythm or rhyme. I meant it to feel (at least a little bit) emotionless, that's the point. |
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Earl Robertson Senior Member
since 2008-01-21
Posts 753BC, Canada |
Hmmm Revenge you're right, Claire could use some pointers and...Claire, you asked for it.  OK all that is fine, free verse has no need to rhyme, brackets are fine, if unnecessary punctuation, and dead pan is alright if it's humorous.  This poem is not a comedy, at least I'm not laughing. Now I'd be great with all that, and not have much to say by way of improvement, if your poem had rhythm. Around here we call it flow. If the poem doesn't flow off my toung with no effort on my part it detracts from the meaning This is not to say that a poem has to flow perfectly, but if it doesn't flow well enough no one wants to read it. Try triming words and making the sylables fall into line a bit...oh and all the stuff in the brackets realy messes with your rhythm. I'll give it a go, you can yell at me later. The two best friends walking side by side pretending that they matter. She hums to herself am I good enough yet? and laughs at nothing a secret I don't know Ends in an argument Am I annoying? Steals the hairstyle I made for myself Takes my taste in music and soon I'll fade into the background. Go ahead, notice her Does this make you squirm? Did I over-step my boundaries? Sorry for disputing you. It's not like you'd ever let me be right. To me that's better, though I may have missed a point, which is why I ask you to rework this poem, get it to flow, with your ideas and feelings all where you want them If you write with an intention we will feel it, be it anger discust, or pain. Best of luck to you, again welcome to PIP and I really do hope to see more of you in the future. (Even if I'm being a critical jerk right now) OH SHUT UP SHUT UP AND GIVE SOMEONE ELSE A CHANCE!!!! |
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RevengeIsMine Senior Member
since 2006-07-08
Posts 820Australia |
Okay SO it's free-verse n all.. and maybe i'm a terrble critique but in my honet opinion i don't like.. for all the above reason.. So listen to EarlRobertson.. Cause he's prob the best poet in here.. Once again i'm probably just an idiot but it doesn't float my boat. |
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Earl Robertson Senior Member
since 2008-01-21
Posts 753BC, Canada |
Ah! Claire I figured it out! You started with a lot of great ideas and couldn't descide whether you were writing poetry or prose! You gave us too much info and not enough flow for poetry, but not enough details, and too much attempted flow for prose. If you'd just choose one before you started it would be great! (great poetry doesn't spell out exactly what you're thinking, it lets the reader fill in the gaps) Happy writing! (Please don't run away from the scary critics) Oh and Revenge? Since when did you stop posting here? OH SHUT UP SHUT UP AND GIVE SOMEONE ELSE A CHANCE!!!! |
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XxForever.BrokenxX Senior Member
since 2008-01-20
Posts 891Neverland |
I thought the first stanza was a bit off but I really liked the last one. And for what Jess and Earl said, I'd listen to both of them if you ever get stuck. they are both amazing poets and I'm sure they'll give you the right answers you need. {~~*~~} "You are not loyal enough to eat my orange jelly beans....#} |
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