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Teen Poetry #8
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OMG! I HAtE U So MuCH!
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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OMG! I HAtE U So MuCH! |
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN 
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All of my children are illegitimate thoughts, calm little letters to the overworked mind, but they are quite disobedient. All of my children are letters in my thoughts, calm little dissidents to my overworked mind, but they are all illegitimate. All of my children are to be ignored, calm little offspring of a whorish mind but they are my sweetest dreams. |
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| © Copyright 2008 Alex Lewis - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Taylor See Member
since 2008-10-07
Posts 55North Carolina, US |
Great job! I really liked this one. Its sort of melancholy and it really speaks to me. Short and sweet. The flow is well-done and the word choice is excellent. Will be digging up more! Taylor And as each player moves their piece, confident and tall |
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
thank you. the title is quite off-putting, no? |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Alex Fortunately your ridiculous title, with more than a hint of satire I suspect, caused me to pay an infrequent visit to the teen forum. I'm glad I did! Having just spent a hour reading all the poems you've posted at PiP, right through from your first posts in Dark in 2003 through the rather wordy and overly poetic stuff in Critical Analysis in 2004 to the pieces you are posting today (nearly 5 years later), the first thing I'd like to say is very well done for keeping at it. Those 5 years have seen quite an improvement in my opinion. I don't know if you've done a lot more reading of contemporary poetry, but your current work certainly has that air of a writer who is starting to find his poetic feet. Perhaps most significantly your word count has gone right down. You seem to have realised that poems are not composed of long passages of flowery description, masses of adjectives thrown in to given a poetic feel. Instead you've pared down pretty much to the bone, and as a result your current pieces have about them that aura of incisiveness and confidence that one rarely sees on poetry boards such as PiP. Other general points I like about your recent poems include the fact that you have clearly understood the importance of structure and a plan. You know the point the poem is trying to get across and you go for it while at the same time allowing the writing to open up other possibilities for your readers. You've also realised the importance and the power of the linebreak, and in some places you use it extremely well. And perhaps best of all, you are writing with originality and freshness of image. You have no idea how wonderful it is, after trawling through ream and reams of cliche ridden, over modified waffle, to come across your work! And you also have respect for your readers and pride in your writing - your grammar, spelling and punctuation are nearly faultless. Sure, it's not all roses. I suspect some of these pieces have not had a huge amount of time spent on them, and with more concentrated effort you could do a lot better. If you aren't already reading modern poetry in vast quantities then you ought to be. And if you haven't already laid your hands on some good poetry handbooks then I feel sure these could help you progress too. A few comments: All of my children are illegitimate thoughts, calm little letters to the overworked mind, but they are quite disobedient. All of my children are letters in my thoughts, calm little dissidents to my overworked mind, but they are all illegitimate. All of my children are to be ignored, calm little offspring of a whorish mind but they are my sweetest dreams. I'm not entirely clear if this is simply expressing the tension that exists in the speaker's mind about the tools of his trade, the letters and words that are the unruly and yet sweet clay with which he tries to shape his poetic sculptures. In any event, as with all poetry, you send it out into the world and your readers derive from it what they wish. Far more important than the "meaning" is the interest and emotion you can stimulate in your audience, and this has a cadence, tone and nice easy rhythm that cries out to be liked. Thanks. Nontitle A gunshot sounded by my ear tonight. I am left with not so much a decaying ringing, but a slow wave of warmth upon my eardrum. Gently now, as the scope of my vision recedes into a careful tunnel. I swear but that does nothing to slow the hypnotic pulses moving through my nerves. All you said was " I love you". And all I'm shooting in return are blanks. I LOVED the idea of this poem and the way it got right in there and immediately grabbed me. The opening line and the break on "sounded" is well done. The next two lines are also very nice - "decaying ring" very good, setting the tone straight away. The line breaks on the weak word "with" and "but" are a bit ho hum, but perhaps they work. "Gently now, ... tunnel" is a sentence fragment and comes over as a bit obscure. "Swear" should maybe have a comma after it. The closing two lines are really great, neatly closing the loop with the opening, and giving a wonderful unexpected slant on the "gunshot". This is what I meant above, about well thought out structure and plan. Very well conceived and executed Alex. Paper eyeglass I've been watching you cut holes in the sky with your nail, poking your fingers through to capture god, but it seems a bit circular doesn't it? To hold god in your palm is to master yourself. Brave attempt at a short poem. Short is always hard to do well. Every word has to count. You have almost pulled it off with a cute little observation about paradox. Great instant opening again, bang straight into the action, another good line ending on L1, and a close which has a maturity and confidence about it that bodes well for your future work. Can God Speed the Black Emperor? The candle light is fading in the whispers of October evenings and the long shadows of the world press all around. You bring forgiveness in the midst of my blindness. It's a hint at salvation like sirens hint at coming storms, but it seems to pass without targeting my heart for destruction. I need deconstructing you know. Hearts of stone with orange notes attached, screaming of some impending implosion. Thank God for the candles, the flames seeping out of my pores are less noticeable. Thank God for October and its imploding leaves. What a scene I've become. Despite the slightly overused: "light fading" "whispers of evening" "long shadows" "coming storms", your expertise at creating a compelling atmosphere together with some very original phrasing (I loved the close), makes this one of my favourites. I think you could lose the rather clumsy proliferation of "-ing" sounds ("ing" is such an ugly noise when overused) - in fact the whole screaming and impending thing grates a bit with the rest of the piece I feel. But otherwise a beautiful little poem. Keep reading, get some good textbooks Alex (have you any?), and your writing will I am sure improve to the point where you might hope to be published in reputable journals, if that's the way you want to go of course! M |
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
Wow. That is the finest critique I have ever had. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am glad that you are able to appreciate the ideas behind much of my writing. I am also glad that you understand my desire for the reader to create their own meanings. As for my reading selections, I stick mostly to Russian literature. I think that's why my most recent poetic works have shrunk in terms of word count. I will take you suggestions, wrestle with them, and see who wins. Again, thank you. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
You are very welcome Alex. I'll try and look out for your work. All the best. |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
ALEX!! good to have you back!! very much enjoyed this poem the title threw me off i do admit thow lmao Krysti |
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
ya.... *sheepish grin* the title was the most inspired part  |
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