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Octave
Member

since 2008-07-29

Posts 186
Highlands, Scotland.

0 posted 2008-09-02 12:06 PM

Unsure Destination

You look up as I look down
My hand brushes silken strand
My eyes lift to gaze across
A long and distant land

Tugging at corners of my mouth
A shyness, bright yet so clear
As pinking cheeks warm to sun
Eyes cast down in fear

Stomach flutters with a sigh
Distractions stir in the space
Head spinning in a whirl
As hot pulse begins to race

A longing lurks deep beneath
Though unable to bring the fact to light
I swallow down emotions stark
That won’t go without a fight

Your troubled gaze tugs at reluctant mine
Which pins it self to knotted hands
Twisted in a guilt of nervous laughter
Trickling out in distorted strands

My giddied head is spun
Thumping in my ears a’ ringing
Words struggle to find a form
Thoughts in cluttered head a’ singing

For though I know you long
For a togetherness in us
That risk is yet to be snatched
A risk I can not trust

So don’t give up quite yet
For all I need is your word
That this isn’t in my imagination
That these thoughts are not absurd

Next time your molten eyes drift up
To meet mine ‘cross crowded room
I can promise you, take my word
I want something to happen too.

Haha, can you guess it's about a boy? Thanks for taking the time to read. =]

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

1 posted 2008-10-13 02:20 PM

I'm sad that no one's commented on this yet. Bad first and then the good. Bad: not very descriptive imagery, meter was not consistent (if you were trying to follow a meter, if not disregard), format was too obvious. Good: you tried to use imagery (not many people use it and its a shame), it was easy to follow, it was simple and if developed more would work with this quite nicely. hope i wasn't too harsh. post some more and improve!

Taylor See
Member

since 2008-10-07

Posts 55
North Carolina, US

2 posted 2008-10-13 02:48 PM

Octave, this was a great poem that was extremely heartfelt. Very moving.

I agree with young blood about altering the meter to some degree, but the phrases you use are wonderful. It definitely conveys the feelings you intended.
I know how you feel.

Keep writing!

And as each player moves their piece, confident and tall
They forget that they can move themselves, in the greatest game of all

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